Beware, the BONE KNIFE!

Many moons ago, long before the great spirit had endowed the land to the white man as eternal punishment to the Native American for not being white skinned or accepting narrow views of how to live based on arbitrary laws. There was a legend about an item of such mythical power, that whoever held it would be able to defeat almost anyone who stood in his path. This item is commonly referred to as the "Bone Knife", a simple tool allegedly made from a walrus tusk, but most likely cow bone. It was used by the Inuit when they built the first igloo, by the Iroquois when they created their historic confederation, and is commonly thought to be the cause of the drastic decline in the Mohican population. Despite it seemingly infinite power, the Native American bartered away this precious item as part of the agreement allowing them the right to be forcefully removed from their native land, and sent to the the west where nothing lived or could be grown. As a result of this deal, the bone knife found its way into the hands of the early Americans. Washington used the Bone Knife when looking for "dirty brits" as he crossed the Delaware. Grant first used the Bone Knife when looking for "dirty rebels". He later used it to cut his cigars, sustaining his healthy 20 cigar a day smoking habit. Surprisingly, Grant died of throat cancer and when the US government discovered that it was the Bone Knife that cut all those cigars, they hastily decided to offer it as a gift to the Japanese government, so as to save any future President from Grant's fate.

It was a result of this rash decision by the government, that the American people sustained one of its worst defeats in history. On December 7, 1941, a day that will live in infamy, the Bone Knife was used by the Japanese as inspiration when they executed their surprise attack on Pearl Harbor. The resulting war cost thousands of lives. In the midst of the chaos, the Japanese hid the Bone Knife in the industrial city of Hiroshima, thinking that it would be safe from any American eyes. On August 6, 1945, the American military dropped the Atomic bomb on Hiroshima. The bone knife was discovered in a secret bunker 80 feet below ground. The Americans knew that the Bone Knife was too dangerous for any one government, and it was decided to exile the Bone Knife to the most backward, boring, depressing and all together lame place on the face of the earth. On January 1, 1946, the Bone Knife was banished to Venango County, Pennsylvania.

The Bone Knife festered in the Kennerdell region until it was discovered by the most unlikely of men. Mr. John Hummel discovered the tool, and immediately realized the power he held. Mr. Hummel realized that the Bone Knife was the perfect tool for harassing his son Daniel and his friends. He believed there was the potential of chasing them around the neighborhood with the knife, or even the possibility of attempting to break in to a part of the house using the Bone Knife as a means to saw through the chain on the lock! Needless to say, the Bone Knife was used for all these things. The Bone Knife even motivated Mr. Hummel with the brief, but noble promise to skydive into Afghanistan and using the Bone Knife as his sole weapon, find and capture Osama Bin Laden. Despite this, Mr. Hummel as if guided by fate, realized the danger the Bone Knife possessed, and frequently warned the boys to "Beware, the Bone Knife", all the while making the "slit throat" motion. It was with this history, that I approached the Bone Knife and held it this past summer. The picture itself displays the Bone Knife's power. I appear to be nothing short of a killing machine. Thank you John and Pam for sending me this photo. It gives me pride to be holding such and important and powerful part of history!!


-Todd