Tales From Home Pt.1: Here's Your Brownie!

As I sat here on a sweltering night in Daito Japan, I became a little nostalgic for the good old days of high school while living in Rockland, Pennsylvania. Now don't get me wrong, high school and the area that I grew up in really suck, and the last thing I would ever want to do is relive those tediously boring days. Despite my lack of affection for my hometown, the monotony did have one positive side effect, a large collection of people experiencing the same frustration. As a result of this fact, my friends and I were forced to find new ways to enjoy life in a world lacking of anything to see or do in an 80 mile radius. The things that we did and the stories that were created are still as funny (to us) as they were then. So, now it is my great honor to introduce the world to the Moulin Brownie!

Every group of friends has a one person singled out as the butt of their jokes. We had two. First was Jesse. He is this super good guy who has a penchant for eating peas all day and speaking to us only in broken "Simpson's" quotes. He was also super nice and always stuck up for dumb friend #2. This other friend was simply named Moulin (pronounced Moleeeeeinnnn). This kid was the ultimate goofball. He always wanted to watch "Blues Brothers" due to its famous record of the most car explosions in a movie. (The excitement he showed over "Blues Brothers 2000" is yet another notable blemish on his already shaky resume) He also was famous for dressing up in full body camo while playing games of "Capture the Flag". During the game he would hide in a tree and never come down, even after the game was finished. Moulin believed that our yelling about the game being over was only a clever ruse to find the true location of his hiding tree. There are many more things to mention, but perhaps I'll save that for a future blog. Anyway, one faithful night we were all hanging out at Jesse's house. His mother, perhaps aware that her baking efforts were the sole reason her son had any friends, had just finished cooking a sheet of delicious brownies. We all took our desired brownie, leaving the hard and crusty corner brownie for Moulin. It was at this instant, that my friend Dan, in an act of sheer comedic brilliance said, "Here is your brownie Moulin". As he uttered this famous line, he drove his index finger into the heart of Moulin's already sad excuse for a baked good. Moulin's face went from the usual expression of annoyed confusion, to tragic despair in less than a second. We all laughed quite hard, but Jesse realizing that to laugh at Moulin, was to lose his sole true friend, graciously gave Moulin his own brownie. Of course we all hated Jesse more for ruining the moment, but since none of us gave Moulin our brownie, we didn't mind.

It was a great evening, and one I will never forget. If you ever want to really chuckle at a friends expense, look at his/her face in the midst of ruining their brownie. It's comedic gold. Plus, since nobody could possibly want a brownie that you have fingered up to your first knuckle, the comedic treat is all the more special, because now you have two brownies!
-Todd

The Eternal Revolutionary

Earlier this week, the 66th anniversary of the assassination of Leon Trotsky occurred. While the modern capitalist world can't help but ignore such a seemingly unimportant date, it is necessary to examine the impact that Trotsky and his compatriots had on the world in which they lived, and on the world we live today.

Trotsky was born Lev Brohnstein in the Russian Empire in what is today modern Ukraine. Early in his childhood he showed a precondition toward genius and arrogance. Both of these traits would continue to reveal themselves during his political career as he became more and more enamored with the prospects and promises inherent in Marxism. Trotsky would channel his genius into writing, and was referred as the "pen" among his peers. While his writing was almost universally applauded, his demeanor and inability to appreciate those with a lesser understanding of Marxist philosophy created many enemies, notably the father of Russian Marxism, Georgi Plekhanov.

The 1905 Revolution in Russia would provide a stage for Trotsky's energies, and he was elected head of the St. Petersburg Soviet (worker's congress). The dream of improving the lives of millions of people in a country that many socialists (including non-Marxist) considered the most backward and corrupt government in Europe in need of change, (which says a lot, look at Hohenzollern Germany and its Anti-socialist laws, as well as the Third Republic in France and among other things, the infamous Dreyfus Affair) was destroyed by concessions from bourgeois politicians. This surrender allowed the Tsar to consolidate his power, and keep his strict autocracy intact.

Trotsky would reappear in the national spotlight following the first world war. Russia had fared predictably poorly in its war efforts, and as a consequence the February Revolution of 1917 occurred. Trotsky returned in May, and immediately began his efforts to usher in a Communist Revolution in Russia. In July he joined Lenin's Bolshevik party, and became its most able and convincing orator (another one of his famous talents). When the Bolshevik leadership voted for insurrection, (in a frequent use of democracy inherent in the Bolshevik party since conception and forgotten since by blindly anti-communist historians) Trotsky, not Lenin was given the responsibility of leading the most important revolution in history. Trotsky's success gave him the No. 2 position in the party despite his relative short length of membership. As a result of this success, he was given the post of Commissar (Soviet Russian Minister) of Foreign Affairs. His role in foreign affairs would give him one of his worst defeats. His characteristic arrogance, and faith in the European working class caused him to underestimate German military might, and he refused to sign any peace treaty calling it Bourgeois! While the events of the Brest-Litovsk peace treaty deliberations make fascinating reading, Trotsky's ignorance afforded Germany the opportunity to continue their invasion, and Russia accepted a future peace treaty that incurred enormous loss to the country. (the Brest-Litovsk Treaty was rendered null by the 1919 Treaty of Versailles)

Following this defeat, Trotsky was made Commissar of War. It was in this post that Trotsky, with no prior military training, created the Red Army. He was famous for racing by train over the whole of Russia, encouraging the soldiers again and again in their battle against the counter-revolutionaries and interventionist forces (comprised of the French, British and Americans). Trotsky even personally defended Petrograd (St. Petersburg) on horseback, leading his troops forward against the enemy. Trotsky's surprising and brilliant success in the war made him seem to be the easy choice for Lenin's successor, after the latter's stroke. Despite this, an ambitious party member with intense animosity towards Trotsky intended to take the position.

Joseph Stalin and Trotsky had always shared a mutual dislike, in no part due to Trotsky calling him things like a "yellow blur". Despite this, Trotsky foolishly respected party discipline, and allowed Stalin to gain the reigns of state following Lenin's death. Following a long and vicious power struggle, Trotsky was exiled first to Kazakhstan, and later to Turkey, France, Norway, and finally Mexico. Stalin continued to attack other members of the Bolshevik (now Communist) party following Trotsky's exile. Many of the leaders of the revolution were executed, while Trotsky railed against the excess in the international press. Stalin finally caught up with his nemesis, and on August 20, 1940 Trotsky was attacked by an assassin wielding an ice pick. He died on August 21, 1940.

The impact of Trotsky and the Bolsheviks can not be underestimated. Many of the reforms promoted by Socialist and Communist leaders would be enacted by Bourgeoisie governments in order to avoid the same problems that had occurred in Russia. More importantly, the U.S.S.R., the state that Lenin and Trotsky had created, became one of two superpowers after the Second World War. Many of the technological advances in the late Twentieth Century are the result of a very capitalist competition between the Soviet Union and the United States. I was not able to do justice the the highs and lows of Trotsky's life in this blog. His skill and intelligence helped him become the leader of one of the most feared movements in world history. I only hope the above has whetted your appetites for more in depth information concerning the Soviet Union. I also recommend the exhaustive three-volume biography of Trotsky by Isaac Deutscher, to anyone feeling ambitious. For those of you with a more normal interest in Trotsky, Lenin, and others. I suggest going to Marxists.org. They have tons of free material as well as better written biographies of Trotsky. I encourage everyone to visit!

-Todd

Drop That Zero and Get With the Hero

As I'm settling into my new life here in Japan, I'm continually confronted with the problem of boredom and a genuine desire to experience the comforts of home. As a result of my longing for something that reminds me of home, I visited the local video store and picked up one of the greatest films of all time. The movie was "Cool As Ice", and the tag line that ensured my future rental, "When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice." I knew that a movie who promises me that melting anything involves adding ice, was the film I wanted to spend my Saturday night watching.

The movie was just as I expected. When I first watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze," I quite enjoyed Vanilla's cameo, and even liked "Ninja Rap". Unfortunately, I was 8 years old then, and "Cool As Ice" was 90 minutes of everything I took from that cameo. The viewer is confronted with constant motorcycle driving, frequent shots of Vanilla dancing for no apparent reason, (there is one scene where he just dances in the middle of the street), and some of the most ridiculous dialog I've ever heard, "So what's that like, having parents" and "Kat: I'll see you later. Ice: You are seeing me now." Anyway, it was a good laugh, and Vanilla's clothes are awe inspiring, (his jacket says things like, "Sex me up" and "Oh, Yeah") So, if you are having a boring night, I would suggest "Cool As Ice", its a fantastically bad film, and in the words of Vanilla, "That's the straight up truth."

-Todd

Beware, the BONE KNIFE!

Many moons ago, long before the great spirit had endowed the land to the white man as eternal punishment to the Native American for not being white skinned or accepting narrow views of how to live based on arbitrary laws. There was a legend about an item of such mythical power, that whoever held it would be able to defeat almost anyone who stood in his path. This item is commonly referred to as the "Bone Knife", a simple tool allegedly made from a walrus tusk, but most likely cow bone. It was used by the Inuit when they built the first igloo, by the Iroquois when they created their historic confederation, and is commonly thought to be the cause of the drastic decline in the Mohican population. Despite it seemingly infinite power, the Native American bartered away this precious item as part of the agreement allowing them the right to be forcefully removed from their native land, and sent to the the west where nothing lived or could be grown. As a result of this deal, the bone knife found its way into the hands of the early Americans. Washington used the Bone Knife when looking for "dirty brits" as he crossed the Delaware. Grant first used the Bone Knife when looking for "dirty rebels". He later used it to cut his cigars, sustaining his healthy 20 cigar a day smoking habit. Surprisingly, Grant died of throat cancer and when the US government discovered that it was the Bone Knife that cut all those cigars, they hastily decided to offer it as a gift to the Japanese government, so as to save any future President from Grant's fate.

It was a result of this rash decision by the government, that the American people sustained one of its worst defeats in history. On December 7, 1941, a day that will live in infamy, the Bone Knife was used by the Japanese as inspiration when they executed their surprise attack on Pearl Harbor. The resulting war cost thousands of lives. In the midst of the chaos, the Japanese hid the Bone Knife in the industrial city of Hiroshima, thinking that it would be safe from any American eyes. On August 6, 1945, the American military dropped the Atomic bomb on Hiroshima. The bone knife was discovered in a secret bunker 80 feet below ground. The Americans knew that the Bone Knife was too dangerous for any one government, and it was decided to exile the Bone Knife to the most backward, boring, depressing and all together lame place on the face of the earth. On January 1, 1946, the Bone Knife was banished to Venango County, Pennsylvania.

The Bone Knife festered in the Kennerdell region until it was discovered by the most unlikely of men. Mr. John Hummel discovered the tool, and immediately realized the power he held. Mr. Hummel realized that the Bone Knife was the perfect tool for harassing his son Daniel and his friends. He believed there was the potential of chasing them around the neighborhood with the knife, or even the possibility of attempting to break in to a part of the house using the Bone Knife as a means to saw through the chain on the lock! Needless to say, the Bone Knife was used for all these things. The Bone Knife even motivated Mr. Hummel with the brief, but noble promise to skydive into Afghanistan and using the Bone Knife as his sole weapon, find and capture Osama Bin Laden. Despite this, Mr. Hummel as if guided by fate, realized the danger the Bone Knife possessed, and frequently warned the boys to "Beware, the Bone Knife", all the while making the "slit throat" motion. It was with this history, that I approached the Bone Knife and held it this past summer. The picture itself displays the Bone Knife's power. I appear to be nothing short of a killing machine. Thank you John and Pam for sending me this photo. It gives me pride to be holding such and important and powerful part of history!!


-Todd

The Curse of the Green Suitcase

Well, I have finally arrived in Japan, and I could not be more happy to finish the gauntlet of traveling that I have put myself through since returning from China. While I can say that I enjoyed my summer at home, its good to be moving on with my life by leaving the steak filled video game paradise that was my home. Unfortunately the final travel, my journey to Japan proved to be hectic and tedious. While many might say, but Todd! "All traveling is a test of one's patience and resilience." I say shut up jerk! You have never traveled with the item pictured above. The picture is of the Green Suitcase. One of the most impossibly bad travel accessories ever constructed. While it is true that I had little contact with it during the flying portion of my trip. It really began to work its magic as soon as we reached the Osaka airport. When I first arrived, I approached the suitcase and casually attempted to use the handle, the appendage constructed for the sole purpose of lifting the item. Little did I know, that the Green Suitcase would not be lifted by any mere mortal, and the handle broke off with a power that I can only describe as awe-inspiring in its sheer frustration qualities. Despite this setback, I assumed that I was capable of taming the beast and looked to a leather strap that the Green Suitcase had cleverly put low enough to insure that I would never walk fully upright while pulling it. We made it to a shuttle bus and both I and the Green Suitcase began to plan our next move. The Green Suitcase struck first, and with reckless abandon. It shed one of its wheels somewhere on the streets, long gone before I noticed the change. My clever strategy of pulling the suitcase was soundly undermined and the Green Suitcase stood or rather leaned, triumphant. The rest of my trip consisted of pulling an increasingly unstable Green Suitcase with an affinity for falling on the ground through the streets of Osaka. When we finally arrived in Izumo, I assumed our war was over, but Green Suitcase still had one trick up its sleeve, a plan so sinister in its brilliance I'm still shocked at its implementation. Green Suitcase some how managed to drain the battery of Leslie's car, and forced me to to carry it one last stretch, so that we could call for help. It was impossibly brilliant, and I say kudos to you Green Suitcase! You have foiled me at every turn, but I assure the last laugh will be mine. As soon as I empty you of my clothes, I will retire you to a Japanese dump. The home of old sushi, and countless outdated technology from as far back at 2005! My only hope is that Green Suitcase has failed to predict this future. Whats that! No! ....................

Leaving for Japan!

Hey! As as I write this I'm sitting in the wonderful Columbus airport, a jumping off point for many of my previous travels, thinking about my future adventure in the land of the rising sun. While I can't say that I'm particularly excited about the destination, I can take solace in the fact that I will be able to watch horrible movies, see borderline interesting historical sites, and have the opportunity to eat some of the worst food in the history of the world (seriously its hard to believe that this food is considered "edible"). In any event, I will be hanging out with my super cool girl Leslie, and scouting out possible destinations or plans for next year, (Russia....). Well, I'm off to my flight, but I want everyone to wish me luck. After all, this is the same country known for some of the most vicious and destructive Giant Monster battles ever recorded on film.

-Todd