The Pursuit of Crappyness

Well, after a week of recovering from the whirlwind of activity that accompanied my trip home, I feel that I can once again buckle down and write about a topic that concerns us all, namely American popular culture. My trip to America was full of episodes which had me questioning my homeland and wondering aloud about the state of American society. Despite this, I took solace in the fact that I would soon be leaving the United States, and therefore all of these temporary frustrations could be indefinitely relegated to the back of my mind. When I arrived back in Japan I was immediately hit with the reality of Japanese pop-culture. I quickly altered my perceptions and vowed to accept the cute big eyed animals and effeminate men that I encountered at every turn. When I arrived home, I sat down to watch an English movie channel, without which I may have never survived my initial eight months in the country. As the screen flashed on, I was greeted with the big stupid grin of former “fresh prince” Will Smith. All of my mental preparation for my future in Japan was immediately broken down by the piece of malignant filth that appeared before me. It was then that I took it on my self to save the world from the black lies that have spread concerning Will Smith, his alleged talents, and his continued existence in our collective consciousness.

Will Smith entered most of our lives under the moniker of the “Fresh Prince,” rapping to the hip beats of fellow future Hollywood mega star DJ Jazzy Jeff. His raps were held as a safe alternative to the gangster-rap that was also growing in popularity, and Smith took this mantel to make some of the worst and most forgettable rhymes in the history of the genre. It is true that Smith’s raps included less overt profanity than say, N.W.A., but this does not mean that his lyrics should be spared from intense criticism. While not stimulating any specific moral outrage, the words uttered in Smith's "songs" are so bad that they negatively affect the sensibilities of anyone with even a small degree of sanity. I hesitate to quote any directly (at risk of inadvertently making myself sick), but for the sake of argument, please remember that one of his biggest hits, “Parents Just Don’t Understand,” was a song bemoaning the lack of understanding parents give to the limited outlook of twelve year olds. It was as a result of such earth shattering social commentary, that Smith despite all his deficiencies was given a show on national television.

“The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” sucks. There is really no other way around it, and its “Full House” like nostalgia remains the only thing that continues to draw us in. That coupled with the belief that everyone who ever saw it feels like they are required to recite the theme song at the drop of a hat, makes it a show that stimulates nothing but ire throughout the deepest reaches of my soul. Despite the terrible theme song and even worse plot points, the worst thing about the show does not deal with anything directly addressed on any one episode. Of course, it does not take a rocket scientist to guess where I’m leading to, so I feel like I should just come out and say it. “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” and the popularity it inspired lead movie producers to see Smith as a potentially lucrative commodity. If small scale audiences could be snowed into thinking he was funny and talented, what was to stop movie audiences from thinking the same thing. It was with this in mind that Will Smith was cast in the fantastically titled 1995 action-thriller, “Bad Boys.”

“Bad Boys” was Smith’s first major film role, and therefore it was only natural that he be paired with mega talent, Martin Lawrence (who would acquire further fame in such hilarious forays as Big Momma’s House 1 & 2). This movie (which I’m quite sure everyone has seen, to my own dismay) opened the door for Will Smith to pursue a full time movie career. It was this opportunity that allowed him to display his penchant for the absurd by fighting aliens (two times, once as a stripper dating potential astronaut and once as a cop) as well being a black cowboy that everyone in 1870’s America treats as an equal. These movies have somehow given Smith an ego, although thorough viewings will cause many to question how, and it is with this in mind that I come back to where I began.

So as I mentioned earlier, I had just turned on the TV only to see Will Smith’s big stupid grin. He was promoting his new film, “The Pursuit of Happyness”, and was allowing the Japanese audience the great privilege of hearing his thoughts on family and life. Billed as his second dramatic role (after the mind numbingly boring “Ali”), Smith begins by sharing his great life experience, how he insists on kissing his son on the lips, and his secrets to a long a successful marriage, despite being in his second. The revelations are cliché and his ideas just stupid, but the Japanese eat it up as gospel. After a few minutes of this, with my head on the verge of exploding, I shut the TV off, just after catching one final glimpse of Will Smith hypothesizing on the meaning of life.

In conclusion, I would like to say Will Smith sucks. His movies are lame, his show was terrible, and his music (if it can be called that) is something spawned from hell. If we as a society want to continue living in a world of prosperity, it is in our best interest to stop him before his lectures on life motivate him to seek higher office. Therefore I urge you to do the right thing, and rid yourself of anything that bears the stench of Will Smith. Until then, I will consider every movie ticket, every CD owned, and every recitation of the “Fresh Prince” theme song as a vote towards a bleak Orwellian future of people forced to “Get Jiggy Wit It” while watching repeated viewings of box office masterpiece “Hitch.” With this terrifying future in mind, I hope everyone will do the right thing. I just hope I'm not too late.

Home...

It is with a joyful heart and great pleasure that I announce my (albeit brief) return home. I have to go back for a wedding, but I must admit that the joyous union that will validate both the lives of my friend and future bride is not the thing that most excites me. Eight months in Japan has left me jaded towards all things Japanese, and in the recent weeks leading up to my trip, I have done nothing but think of the benefits that only a European/American society can provide. It is with this in mind that I would like to share with the world the objects that I so desperately crave. For those of you who have spent substantial time abroad, perhaps you can identify with the things that (I believe) I so justly desire. For those of you who have not experienced a similar withdrawal from the comforts of home, I beg that you subdue your feelings of amusement and at least look on me with a mixture of understanding coupled with a semblance of pity.

Of all the things that I miss from home, the one that I most often lament is the difference in cuisine. Simply put, Japanese food is awful, and I have made it my mission to scour the grocery stores looking for items that resemble something edible. The Japanese over reliance on seafood has caused me to reevaluate my own position toward the fruit of the ocean. My original feelings of apathy toward fish have been replaced by a near revulsion. Despite this, these feelings are not due to my own consumption (which have been limited), but rather to the opinions of the Japanese population toward the intrinsic perfection of their diet. While no one can deny that fish provide nourishment, it may be presuming too much to argue that fish skin makes your hair shiny. This and the popular belief that the “cheek” holds the best meat, has caused Japan to be a country obsessed with the ingestion of fish heads.

I know that many of you may be wondering what food could possibly warm my heart in a country with a ready supply of fish noggins. To that question, I answer with a sandwich of such importance, that I fear that my feeble writing skills will not be able to adequately describe it in all its perfection. Therefore, (as if you hadn’t guessed) I will just put it bluntly. The Arby’s Melt sandwich is a thing of near divine beauty. During an earlier time in my life I would often purchase and consume no less than five. Each of these sandwiches hit me like a cheese covered bomb, and I would leave the establishment happy and full. Arby’s would further facilitate my gluttony through clever number based sales pitches, notably the 5 for $5 deal. I have been craving these since October and my patience will finally be rewarded when I sink my teeth into heavily processed roast beef spattered with melted cheddar and some strange red sauce. After enjoying the near bliss of Arby’s, I will recoup my appetite before finding a local a pizza shop. There, I will indulge in a pie that does not have any of the vile requisite Japanese toppings. It will be nice to see pepperoni and cheese on a hand tossed crust, instead of the usual fare of a cracked raw egg and corn spread lightly on a captain’s wafer.

While food is only the tip of the iceberg, it remains to be seen if my idealized vision of home will be realized. I know that I will be fulfilling obligations for a majority of the trip, but I hope to find the time to stop at a bookstore, or even see a movie. Japan’s staggering ticket cost of about $18 has forced me to forego a hobby that could have brought relief to a life full of boredom and frustration. I only hope that there is something to see when I get there. I would be bitterly disappointed if my movie options consisted of no other alternative than the opportunity of seeing Tim Allen and John Travolta ride motorcycles together, a movie idea that stimulates nothing but disgust and horror in all who encounter it. In any event, I hope that my brief trip will give me some material to discuss in this forum! If not, you can look forward to continuing blogs concerning the nature of bread based heroes or even articles concerning my love of the French fry. In any case, it will be something you can use to kill five minutes while making your way to something infinitely more interesting or entertaining. I hope that it is worth it.