The Gift of Head

The night is dark and dreary. As you try to find your way through the darkness, you feel a presence closely following you. The entity approaches you, his cape glimmering in the moonlight. Frightened, you attempt to escape from the individual, only to find yourself paralyzed by a hunger that could only be caused by the lack of regular meals. Prostrate, you look on in horror as the being approaches you. Your hunger is making you delirious and you began to shriek in horror at the potential doom that awaits you. It is at this moment that the being rips off a chunk of his head and forces it into your mouth. The initial shock of this unimaginable act begins to subside and is eventually replaced by a warm feeling of red bean and bread dancing on your taste buds. It is then that you realize that you have just accepted the assistance of Japanese super hero “Anpanman.”

If the story elaborated on above seems a little strange to you, then it is clear that you have not had the good fortune to receive help from such an amazing hero. Anpanman (literally “jam bread man”) is one of a number of Japanese characters created by Takashi Yanase who represent a stark contrast to the types of superheroes commonly known in the United States and Europe. While many western superheroes focus on specific powers to help mankind, Anpanman and his circle of assorted bread based friends fight for truth and justice by feeding people a part of their head. It is with this in mind that I feel it is my duty to introduce the world to these amazing heroes in order to blaze a trail for their eventual debut in the United States. While many may argue that bread-based characters are not the easiest piece of Japanese culture to successfully introduce to the wider world, I must remind that I firmly believe that it is possible. After all, I almost helped Mello Yellow topple Mountain Dew as the king of citrus-based American sodas, (my leaving for Russia the only thing denying the inevitable). This coupled with my early 90’s success in bringing back the word “dude” gives me the confidence needed to undertake this seemingly daunting task (Don’t question this fact, if I didn’t bring it back to the wider world, I definitely reintroduced it to Pennsylvania). It is with these past successes coupled with a firm resolve that I would like to introduce Anpanman to the world.

Before I begin, I feel that it is my duty to give Anpanman’s back story. Once upon a time there was a baker (named “Uncle Jam”) who chose to build a bakery in the middle of the woods where no one could find it. This poor business sense was coupled with a seemingly obsessive desire to create “living” bread. While baking a nice bit of red bean bread, a star crashed in through the chimney and created Anpanman (in Japan, stars crashing to earth give life, rather than taking it away). Anpanman eventually grew up learned how to fly (naturally) and then decided to feed people his head. Completely neglecting the fact that red bean might not be the best thing to feed people so hungry that they would be willing to eat the head of what appears to be a living creature; Anpanman flew around Japan looking for his first victim… I mean fortunate soul. He eventually found a dog being pelted by snowballs. The snowballs were being thrown by a germ that just happened to have what would later appear to be a vehement hatred of pastry. Anpanman saved the dog and eventually named him “Cheese.” After feeding him a part of his head; they flew back to the bakery so that the baker could make him a new head. Of course since no good deed goes undone, the bacteria decided to devote the rest of his life to the destruction of Anpanman using devastating attacks like water, mould, and ducks.

The rivalry between Anpanman and Baikinman (bacteria-man) caused the baker to unleash a host of different bread based creatures in order to even the score. Keep in mind that all of these characters pursue the same goal of “allowing” people to eat their heads. Due to the magic inherent in all of them, their consumed heads can easily be replaced by a new one courtesy of Uncle Jam. Below is a brief list of the most popular characters...

Shokupanman (my personal favorite, literally “white bread man) – This character is a narcissist who lives in Toaster Mountain (I’m not making this up). He is considered incredibly attractive (to germs and I’m guessing other bread?), and is Anpanman’s closest friend. He is the patron of school lunches, and while it is true that he can fly, he prefers to drive a bread truck to the different schools.
Currypanman (“curry bread man”) – This character is a hot headed (buh dum cha) hero who hangs out with Anpanman. He fights by shooting his curry at people.
Tendonman (“rice bowl man?”) – This character loves to sing. His head is a rice bowl (apparently the baker is also good at pottery) which has two edible pieces of shrimp sticking out. He apparently likes to drum on his head with the chopsticks that I assume people are supposed to eat his shrimp with.
Melonpanna (“melon bread girl”) – This character likes to drink sweet honey which consequently is the same liquid that makes up the liquid part of her ever so delicious noggin. Since she is female, her powers (predictably) deal with love or romance. Therefore, when she kisses people, they get woozy with affection.
Dokinchan – This female germ is attracted to Shokupanman (see above). She thinks she’s cute and can occasionally be moody. She’s Baikinman’s sidekick, but due to amorous affection for Shokupanman, she occasionally shows signs of kindness.

The four characters mentioned above are just the tip of the iceberg. Since the series (by series I mean daily life in Japan) is directed toward children and those with the mentality of children (unfortunately guilty) the creators have had to constantly create new characters. There have been over 1500 characters since Anpanman started. This is important because an enormous amount of characters is needed to keep the series fresh, which is only natural as a result of the fact that every episode revolves around the characters feeding their heads to people. Also, since the idea of quasi cannibalism is attractive to children of all ages, Anpanman’s television series remains the most popular children’s shows in Japan.

Finally, I would like to welcome Anpanman to the wider world. Although I think his mission to combat world hunger is honorable, I can’t help but question his methods. While it’s nice that he uses his head as a symbol of self sacrifice, wouldn’t it be more helpful for him to carry a large bag of bread to be distributed freely? In my mind it would be more beneficial than just giving token pieces to those lucky enough to see him flying overhead? Regardless, I have decided to take it on myself to bring Anpanman into the international spotlight. Therefore I would like everyone to watch the skies for flying bread. It’s possible that the dark shadow lurking in the corner is nothing more than jelly filled bread dying to feed you a part of his head. Who knows, with the fine example set by Anpanman, the future may be full of people just dying to give head to anyone who requires it. Let’s just hope that there’s no confusion, otherwise Anpanman might have the baker replace his head for a far darker and much more disturbing reason.

Long Live the Queen!

The second part of my two part music series will continue with the royal theme originally discussed in my previous “Elvis” blog. For those of you who don’t remember (or are to lazy to scroll down), one of my previous blogs dealt with the myth of Elvis Presley as a great and innovative musician. I don’t wish to rehash the entire discussion, but I have heard some very convincing arguments in favor of awarding Elvis a certain amount of credit for his part in the music history. Therefore, I feel that it is my duty to acknowledge that despite my hatred of Elvis, I must admit his place in rock history. He was a talented performer, and he is partially responsible for the introduction of rock music to the mainstream. Despite this, I can not in good conscience return to him his title of “King.” In my opinion, the status of “King” should be awarded to artists who are equally talented, innovative, and unique, and therefore can provide inspiration to future musical acts. While Elvis can claim the title due to the good fortune of being first, there are many other acts who represent every facet of the music industry in such a way, that their absence from a certain unofficial musical hierarchy can be referred to as nothing short of a crime. In any event, my verbal regicide left the music world without a proper monarch. It is with this in mind that I decided to search the annals of music history in order to find an act that could play the role of the enlightened despot in such a way, that their nomination would incur only nominal debate.

When deciding which act would replace Elvis, I was confronted with a number of different challenges that I had not originally expected. There were many musical groups which presented themselves as worthy successors, but I instead chose to wipe away the autocratic system that Elvis had implemented, and instead focus on a kind of musical constitutional monarchy. It is with this in mind that the de facto leader of my new musical hierarchy can be none other than “The Beatles.” While I understand this is an obvious choice, I also feel that it is one which is sound due to the fact that every band since 1964 has either directly or indirectly cited them as an influence. This coupled with their musical innovation and enormous popularity among critics and fans alike, makes them a worthy and reasonable choice to lead the musical world. It was then that I had to choose my figurehead. This task proved slightly more difficult, but it was not long before I discovered the band that showed the class, talent, and ingenuity needed to provide inspiration to the throngs of musicians that would pledge allegiance to the new government. Therefore, it is with great pleasure that I introduce the world to their new monarch, Queen.

Upon close inspection, my choice of Queen as matriarch of a post-Elvis society is a reasonable one, but I realize that their relatively late arrival on to the music scene may cause some to question their nomination. As I mentioned above, it seems that Elvis’ sole claim as ‘king’ is the fact that he is considered one of the pioneers of rock music. While this aspect is important, and should be taken into account, it should be by no means the only quality required for a musical monarch. One feature that should be evident in every musical sovereign is originality. While it is true that Elvis was an innovator, it was only through an arguably better performance of previously recorded music. As with any band, Queen was also influenced by earlier music, but unlike Elvis who just increased the tempo of the previously recorded songs and put on a good show, Queen used their musical influences to create original songs that were uniquely their own. Their implementation of difficult structures and complex harmonies make them one of the most commercially successful bands who can still claim a degree of musical ingenuity. This fact is especially pertinent in a world of computer produced pop, where very few acts can even play an instrument, let alone be able to perform it live. This musical aptitude is most evidently displayed through their continued effect on subsequent musicians. Naturally their impact on arena rock with songs like “We Will Rock You” and “We are the Champions” can not be understated, (and in fact they are so often overplayed, that these two songs alone kept me from truly appreciating Queen for years) but their contributions to other genres should also be noted. After all, one needs to look no further than “Hammer to Fall” for a great hard rock song, “Bicycle Race” for a kitschy fun song, “Stone Cold Crazy” as a possible inspiration for thrash metal or punk rock acts, and “These Are the Days of Our Lives” for an introspective pop rock hit. Finally, any conversation regarding Queen’s style would not be complete without one mention of Freddie Mercury’s voice. His operatic tenor has been justly lauded, and even casual music fans can’t help but be amazed by his amazing range.

Another feature that must be discussed in any conversation concerning Queen is their live performance. Naturally, this aspect is one in which Queen and Elvis most closely compete. Elvis was an electric performer, who dared to do things that caused quite a bit controversy. Naturally, it is this aspect that causes me to award Queen the title of the “better” performer instead of Elvis. Nobody says, “Wow, Elvis was fantastic, the music was brilliant, and the crowd was really into it.” Instead, the conversations usually revolve around his hips and facial expressions. On the other hand, Queen is celebrated as quite possibly the greatest rock showmen in history. One of the tightest bands to ever perform, the comradely between each of the members was displayed in each and every performance. Commonly cited as giving the greatest rock performance ever, at the 1985 “Live Aid,” the band (and especially Freddie Mercury) fed off the enthusiasm of the crowd to create some of the most iconic concert images ever seen. It was these astounding performances that proved that giant stadium concerts could be capable of intimate and riveting rock shows.

One of the most important questions concerning Queen is their present and future legacy. In this respect, I feel that Queen most brilliantly shows their rightful place as musical monarch. One of Queen's most significant contributions is in the realm of music videos. Their video for "Bohemian Rhapsody" is considered to be one of the the first "modern" music videos, and was arguably the catalyst for the innovative music network MTV (Unfortunately at the time of this article's publication, MTV has descended into a cesspool of filth bearing absolutely no resemblance to its original form). Another interesting factor was the group's dynamic. One of the closest bands in history, the group was unusually free of the stifling egos present in most successful (and unsuccessful) rock bands. All four members were allowed to write music, and were in fact encouraged to do so. Each member wrote at least one hit song, (Freddie Mercury-“Somebody to Love”, Brian May-“Tie Your Mother Down”, Roger Taylor-“Radio Ga Ga”, and John Deacon-“You’re My Best Friend”, to name a few) and equal time was spent on each composition regardless of its author. In fact, their cooperation was such, that the group was relatively free of turmoil. Queen's lineup was solid for over twenty years, and the band regularly worked together despite frequent solo albums. This pattern would remain constant, only changing after the unfortunate death of Freddie Mercury in 1991 following complications resulting from the AIDS virus. Despite the horrible loss, even in death, Mercury was able to generate a positive response. His high profile status caused many to recognize the problems AIDS posed, and as a result, people began to finally realize that the disease was more than just an uncomfortable taboo.

Finally, I truly believe that Queen is the best choice to represent the musical world. Throughout human history, mankind has chosen the most idealized leader to embody it, and I do not intend to buck this long tradition. My idealized images neglects a few details (like their concert at the notorious “Sun City”), but as with any pseudo religion, I am choosing to ignore anything that might contradict with the neat image I have constructed. In any case, their numerous qualities, widespread appeal, and innovation continue to inspire people today, causing them to be one of the biggest selling acts of all time, even though it could be argued that most fans can’t name a single Queen album (see “Elvis blog”). It is with this mind that I urge all music fans to swear allegiance to your new temporal ruler. I know it may be hard to remove yourself completely from the lies surround Elvis’ greatness, but I challenge you to find a better choice to rule the musical world. After all, even if you don’t agree with me, you can’t deny that choosing Queen as the new monarch was anything less than a semantic coup.