Back in the (former) U.S.S.R.!

Due to my overwhelming lack of ambition, my entries this month have been at best lackluster, and at worst lame. Despite this, I would like the world to know that I am doing all that I can to overcome my laziness in order to continue with something that I have genuinely enjoyed doing. It is with this in mind that I would like to reassure everyone of my intention to finish the second part of my series dealing with music and Elvis Presley. I'm almost finished with the conclusion, but my aforementioned laziness coupled with a penchant for staring at the ceiling has caused me to neglect my duty. In any event, I assure everyone that the second part will be forthcoming as soon as possible. Now, with that aside I can attend to the business at hand.

Almost a year ago I spent three months in Russia, a country whose history and culture I absolutely love. My affections stands in dark contrast to the conflicting opinions of fear and loathing that I usually receive when discussing Russia with people who base their impressions on a lack of information. However, this has not dampened my opinion in the least. Therefore it is with great joy that I announce my return to Moscow starting in August of 2007. I could not be more excited, and my return will be much better due to the intended accompaniment of my girlfriend, Leslie. I am thrilled to be returning to the city that I am familiar with, and I look forward to giving Leslie a tour of all my previous haunts. In is with this in mind, that I urge all of my friends and even my casual acquaintances, to please visit me during my time there. I will be teaching Russian students English (apparently the only thing I'm good for), and therefore will probably have some free time. Of course, some common questions still remain. Why would I want to go to Russia? Aren't Russians glad that Ronald Reagan and Pope John Paul II worked together to single-handily bring down Communism so that they could have a decade of economic and social depression? Aren't they still Commies who eat the flesh of puppies? In response to these questions, I'm prepared to write a short list detailing positive and negative attributes of the Russian nation. After you are done reading this non-biased account, I hope that you will decide to come visit me in the glorious city of Moscow in the northern paradise known as Russia.

In order to do this somewhat efficiently, I will be making a simple top five list concerning notable things that I encountered during my first time in Russia. Each of these topics will be accompanied by a positive and negative feature. If you don't quite understand what I mean, just have patience, you will see in a moment.

5. Dirt
Negative Feature- A lack of proper urban cleaning coupled with Central Asian winds makes Moscow one of the dirtiest cities I've ever visited. “Dirt” on its own is nothing more than a nuisance. But then again, "dirt" is not one to sit on its laurels and he often joins his ally "water" to form the dangerous entity, "mud." As "mud," nothing can get in "dirt's" way, and because Moscow doesn't believe in storm drains, it is pretty much guaranteed that you will be a victim of "mud" at least once a week.
Positive Feature- The one good thing about Moscow's abundance of "dirt" is the fact that everyone is covered in it! Of course Russians pride themselves on trying to keep clean, but the sad truth of "mud's" dominance is demonstrated by the clumps of "dirt" desperately hanging on to most people's shoes and pants. In any event, I look forward to the time when the true color of my jeans will finally be displaced by a brown-gray mass of drying "mud."

4. Transportation
Negative Feature- The influx of foreign capital and the advent of capitalism have made Moscow one of the fastest growing cities in the world. The increased wealth has caused many Muscovites to take the American approach to earning money, and spend it as quickly and as needlessly as possible. It is with this in mind that the streets of Moscow are littered with unnecessarily large cars, creating an almost constant state of gridlock. This usual traffic as well as President Putin's insistence to close the roads he is driving on, makes Moscow one of the worst cities for cars. I'll never forget the wondrous hour it took me to drive two miles.
Positive Feature- Russian insistence on driving cars allows many foreigners to easily explore the elaborate metro system. Considered by many to be the best in the world, Moscow's metro is relatively clean (the metro is still not free from that scourge "dirt"), and efficient. Plus the lack of order on the streets above creates an environment of strictness in the tunnels below. I once saw a man shoulder check an old woman for standing in the wrong place. A tear rolled down my cheek as I witnessed the beauty inherent in an old person not being excused out of hand for doing something stupid.

3. Police and Public Officials
Negative Feature- The Russian police are notoriously corrupt, and will let anything slide for a bribe. When I first arrived in Moscow, my host-brother quickly gave me the run down on the average bribe amounts for general traffic infractions. Also, you will often see police officers traveling in packs around the city, and they can ask you for your paperwork and I.D. at any time. Fortunately, I was never the recipient of this kind of honor, but as an American the very idea of this conjures feelings of trepidation. Also, Russian mail officials are infamous for their crimes and will often open mail and take what they want. A girl who went to Russia with me opened a package sent from home only to discover a torn magazine and cookie crumbs (Yes, it seems the official ate her cookies over the box).
Positive Feature- The police uniforms are quite snazzy, and the officers will change them depending on the weather. For example, in winter a Russian police officer may wear the stereotypical fur hat and large jacket. In the summer he will wear a more cool and casual blue cap with a windbreaker. Also, due to aforementioned traffic, Russian police officers don't usually pull you over in a car, but instead flag you down from the shoulder. This results in what appears to be the option to pull over whenever you want. My host brother was late taking me to school one day so he was speeding. The officer flagged him down; he muttered something about not wanting to stop, so we just blew right by him! Also, while the mail officials are great at stealing your things, they are also a wonderful excuse for laziness. It’s possible that if I chose not to send postcards, I could excuse my guilt by claiming that Russian custom officials stole my Russian postcards. Who knows! (I do) It could work. (It does)

2. Public Glamour Shots in Front of Historically Relevant Objects
Negative Feature- None.
Positive Feature- This may be my favorite feature of the Russian mentality. Let me explain. Imagine you were at the Vatican. You decide to take a picture of one of the most famous churches in the world, when you notice a young couple taking photos beside you. You think nothing of it as you set up your shot. Slowly it dawns on you that something is not right. You look at the couple and notice that the woman is seductively posing in front of the church. You see it all. The puckered lips, the cleavage, the hand through the hair. Take that image, and transpose it on every historic or important site in Russia. Now you have some indication of my experience. One time I saw a woman straddling a tree and bending over (to show her chest) in front of the oldest Russian Orthodox church in existence. By that time I was no longer surprised, but it did make me wonder about the first person who thought that famous churches were a perfect place for a sexually suggestive photo. I can only imagine the conversation. "You know Charlene; I always thought I was ugly and that no man would love me. Of course, that was before I posed in front of St. Basil's with only a bra on! Now I can't stop meeting people who want to know me! If only I'd known this wonderful truth sooner!"

1. History
Negative Feature- None.
Positive Feature- As if anyone couldn't see this coming! In my opinion Russian history is the richest and most interesting subject worth studying. Russia is the largest country in the world, covering eleven time zones. Its unique position on the map has caused it to be influenced by events in both Europe and Asia. While this mingling has caused many hardships, it has also led to many outstanding features which can only be experienced in Russia. It is with this in mind that I am prepared to return to the country that I have devoted so much of my time and energy trying to better understand. I will spare you all the lectures concerning the extent that Russian events have influenced the modern world. Instead I will conclude by saying that Russia is a fantastic country, and I would be willing to talk about it with anyone who wants to do so. Finally to answer the questions posed at the beginning of the blog. Why would I want to go? Because its great, and I will continue learning Russian, and be (finally) living in a large city. Are Russians glad about the fall of Communism? You would have to ask them, but I would say half are and half aren't. Commies who eat the flesh of puppies? Most are no longer Commies, and Commies never ate puppies. In fact I'm pretty sure they restricted themselves to merely consuming children.

Down With The "King"

Before I begin, I would like to apologize for my tardiness. I have no excuse besides laziness. In order to make up for my lack of punctuality, I will be writing a two part entry for this week. The first part will be the subsequent blog, while the second part will come sometime this weekend. It is with this in mind that I feel it is necessary to talk about something that has caused me serious mental grief. As many of you may be aware, I pride myself in being a discriminating music fan. Despite this, I also don’t hold any illusions concerning my taste in genres and therefore it is with great pride that I announce that I am a fan of pop music. Now, before you gasp in horror, I would like to remind you that I am a music fan. I like popular music, not the bubble gum pop so commonly found among pre-pubescent girls. In any event, the last few years have been devoid of good pop music due to an industry empty of any desire to make the good sounding pop music that I fell in love with. Instead, the money hungry machine has found it to be much easier to just pick an attractive but talent less person and vomit studio production on it. This coupled with some predictable random dance floor beat has become the formula for limited success, and unfortunately people are quite stupid, so they buy it. Despite this, the strategy of focusing purely on the financial side of music is nothing new. While I was patiently waiting for the dawn of a new era in pop music, I began to wonder about the origins of the weak link that occasionally revealed itself. Current pop music was rife with bad covers, terrible crossovers, and even worse “original” music. Who could have blazed the trail for such garbage? How could acts such as “Avril Lavigne,” “Beyonce,” and “Nelly Furtado,” share the same radio waves as “The Beatles,” “Led Zeppelin,” and “Pink Floyd?” I began to ponder all of the great acts, knowing that only someone who was truly popular could have been capable of weakening the defenses of a seemingly impenetrable institution. I racked my brain going through the greats of rock history, but continually found talented musicians who had become famous largely due to talent and ingenuity. It was then that I found one which caused me to gasp in disbelief. Of course, I am referring to the so called “king” of Rock-and-Roll, Elvis Presley.

Elvis Presley was a nice guy. This seems to be a common truth that may go without saying. Another fact was an amazing singing voice (this alone puts him far and above current pop stars). Despite this, neither of these earns him the moniker of “king” of Rock-and-Roll. I wondered how one attains such a title and quickly discovered the root of the terrible music that is so prevalent in today’s world. Apparently one of the prerequisites was not writing your own music. My research only showed one instance where he is credited with the creation of a song. On the song “Love Me Tender”, Elvis and the wife of writer Ken Darby are both listed as contributors, because in the words of Darby, “She didn’t write it either.”

Another quality of a “king” must be lameness. With the exception of the cliché aspects of Presley’s diet and lifestyle, there was of course his general weirdness. He slept with his mother in the same bed up until his early teens, and asked American President Richard Nixon to personally make him a drug-enforcement officer. Of course there was also his period as Las Vegas showman. If becoming the “King” of Rock-and-Roll only requires one to perform in Las Vegas casinos or show an interest in amateur police work, then either Barry Manilow or Shaquille O’Neal should be next in line to the throne. Of course, this option is quite frightening, and it is in our best interest not to discuss such things which could plunge our world into this inescapable darkness.

Finally, in what I see to be the most damning of my criticisms, deals with his early career. Most fans claim that the early period before Elvis joined the army is a true indication of his talent and genius. While looking over his catalog, I discovered that most of his hits were covers of earlier songs by African-American artists. While I realize that Elvis was a fan of many of the artists he covered, it does not negate the argument concerning whether or not a cover artist should be considered the “King” of Rock-and-Roll. If I had to choose one, I’d choose Beatallica, the cover band that commonly mixes songs from the catalogs of both “The Beatles” and “Metallica.”

In conclusion, I would like to say that I think Elvis sucks. Elvis fans love to cite his crossover appeal and good looks as sure proof of his almost divine musical status. I would argue that in the nature of the early Rock scene, crossover was inevitable due to the blurred genre lines. I have also purposefully avoided the common argument concerning Elvis and his purported stealing of African American R&B. I don’t have to tell you my opinion concerning this debate, but just know that despite his incredible respect for all the artists he covered, it was Pressley who enjoyed the profits. Many of the original artists who originally did such famous “Elvis” songs are long forgotten. Can you tell me which songs Arthur “Big Boy” Cudrup or Big Mama Thornton performed? Also, most people can name an Elvis song, but can anyone name one specific Elvis record with out resorting to the almost inevitable self-titled album? The lack of knowledge concerning Rock’s biggest and best act should be some indication of his status in the minds of anyone but his biggest fans. Finally, I’d like to nominate a new king, Pat Boone. Boone performed the same function as Elvis in almost every way. He is overly conservative, styles cover songs as his own, and is from the south. Plus with his royal highness King Pat I on the throne, we would be saved from those insufferable “Elvis” sightings. After all, anyone who caught a glimpse of Boone would hesitate before reporting a “Pat” sighting.

A Colonel of Truth Concerning Japanese Baseball

Since arriving in Japan, I have come to realize that baseball is an incredibly popular sport throughout Japan. While American Major League Baseball has always been known as the home for the best players the world has to offer, Japanese baseball has improved with more competitive play, intense rivalries, and a large amount of players leaving the country to play professionally in the United States. Unfortunately, like everything, there is a dark side. The following paragraphs will detail baseball’s tangled relationship to the occult, the emergence of this sinister characteristic in Japanese baseball, as well the Colonel who found himself in the middle of all of it.

The “curse” first found its way into American baseball as a means to rationally explain the failure of a particular team to win the championship. The Boston Red Sox were unable to win the World Series for 86 years due to their trading of Babe Ruth (considered the greatest player in history) in 1920. The Chicago White Sox were also not capable of a championship victory for 86 years due to the team throwing the 1919 World Series. Finally, The Chicago Cubs have not won a World Series since 1908 due to the fact that the team was cursed by William Sianis, just after he and his pet goat were ejected from a game. Naturally, the Japanese looked to the United States with a wary eye. They knew that if curses could strike American baseball, it could also possibly attack Japanese teams. Rumors circulated that Japanese baseball officials even considered the banning of goats from all sporting events as a means for stifling any potential curse. Many believed that these draconian tactics were a means of permanently isolating the phenomenon safely in the United States. Unfortunately, the curse had other ways to deliver its unique brand of destruction. In 1971, the Japanese government allowed Kentucky Fried Chicken to open restaurants within its borders. Japanese baseball would never be the same.

The year 1985 would be an amazing year for the Hanshin Tigers. The team based out of Osaka, was playing solid baseball thanks in part to star first baseman, American Randy Bass. When the team made it to the Japan Series, Tiger fans held their breath as the team beat the Seibu Lions 4 games to 2. Tiger fans were justifiably elated and decided to celebrate at a canal in Osaka’s famous Dotonbori district. While the events of that day are now clouded in mystery and intrigue, a common consensus about what happened has emerged. In the euphoria following the victory, the fans decided that anyone who resembled a player from the Tigers should jump into the canal. When it came for someone who looked like Randy Bass to jump into the water, the fans realized that they were unable to find anyone who appeared American. It was at this moment, that a statue of Colonel Harlan Sanders attracted the eye of the fans. Agreeing that since the Colonel (like Randy Bass) had facial hair and was American; the fans hastily ripped the statue out of the ground and threw it into the canal.

Ever since the Colonel sunk into the muddy waters, the Hanshin Tigers have never again won a championship. Many fans believe that only after the statue is recovered, will the Tigers ever win again. As a result, expeditions have gone searching for the Colonel, but to no avail. Many KFC restaurants now bolt their Colonel statues to the ground in order to discourage a repeat of the original catastrophe. Despite the seemingly ominous fate for the Tigers, their does seem to be a glimmer of hope. In 2003 and 2005 the team returned to the championship game, only to lose on both occasions. Many have wondered if perhaps the Colonel may forgive the team and allow them another victory in the Japan Series. Still others believe that the Colonel will never excuse the team or its fans. They believe that until the statue is recovered, he will continue his war against the Tigers, utilizing his original recipe for their failure.