Back in the (former) U.S.S.R.!

Due to my overwhelming lack of ambition, my entries this month have been at best lackluster, and at worst lame. Despite this, I would like the world to know that I am doing all that I can to overcome my laziness in order to continue with something that I have genuinely enjoyed doing. It is with this in mind that I would like to reassure everyone of my intention to finish the second part of my series dealing with music and Elvis Presley. I'm almost finished with the conclusion, but my aforementioned laziness coupled with a penchant for staring at the ceiling has caused me to neglect my duty. In any event, I assure everyone that the second part will be forthcoming as soon as possible. Now, with that aside I can attend to the business at hand.

Almost a year ago I spent three months in Russia, a country whose history and culture I absolutely love. My affections stands in dark contrast to the conflicting opinions of fear and loathing that I usually receive when discussing Russia with people who base their impressions on a lack of information. However, this has not dampened my opinion in the least. Therefore it is with great joy that I announce my return to Moscow starting in August of 2007. I could not be more excited, and my return will be much better due to the intended accompaniment of my girlfriend, Leslie. I am thrilled to be returning to the city that I am familiar with, and I look forward to giving Leslie a tour of all my previous haunts. In is with this in mind, that I urge all of my friends and even my casual acquaintances, to please visit me during my time there. I will be teaching Russian students English (apparently the only thing I'm good for), and therefore will probably have some free time. Of course, some common questions still remain. Why would I want to go to Russia? Aren't Russians glad that Ronald Reagan and Pope John Paul II worked together to single-handily bring down Communism so that they could have a decade of economic and social depression? Aren't they still Commies who eat the flesh of puppies? In response to these questions, I'm prepared to write a short list detailing positive and negative attributes of the Russian nation. After you are done reading this non-biased account, I hope that you will decide to come visit me in the glorious city of Moscow in the northern paradise known as Russia.

In order to do this somewhat efficiently, I will be making a simple top five list concerning notable things that I encountered during my first time in Russia. Each of these topics will be accompanied by a positive and negative feature. If you don't quite understand what I mean, just have patience, you will see in a moment.

5. Dirt
Negative Feature- A lack of proper urban cleaning coupled with Central Asian winds makes Moscow one of the dirtiest cities I've ever visited. “Dirt” on its own is nothing more than a nuisance. But then again, "dirt" is not one to sit on its laurels and he often joins his ally "water" to form the dangerous entity, "mud." As "mud," nothing can get in "dirt's" way, and because Moscow doesn't believe in storm drains, it is pretty much guaranteed that you will be a victim of "mud" at least once a week.
Positive Feature- The one good thing about Moscow's abundance of "dirt" is the fact that everyone is covered in it! Of course Russians pride themselves on trying to keep clean, but the sad truth of "mud's" dominance is demonstrated by the clumps of "dirt" desperately hanging on to most people's shoes and pants. In any event, I look forward to the time when the true color of my jeans will finally be displaced by a brown-gray mass of drying "mud."

4. Transportation
Negative Feature- The influx of foreign capital and the advent of capitalism have made Moscow one of the fastest growing cities in the world. The increased wealth has caused many Muscovites to take the American approach to earning money, and spend it as quickly and as needlessly as possible. It is with this in mind that the streets of Moscow are littered with unnecessarily large cars, creating an almost constant state of gridlock. This usual traffic as well as President Putin's insistence to close the roads he is driving on, makes Moscow one of the worst cities for cars. I'll never forget the wondrous hour it took me to drive two miles.
Positive Feature- Russian insistence on driving cars allows many foreigners to easily explore the elaborate metro system. Considered by many to be the best in the world, Moscow's metro is relatively clean (the metro is still not free from that scourge "dirt"), and efficient. Plus the lack of order on the streets above creates an environment of strictness in the tunnels below. I once saw a man shoulder check an old woman for standing in the wrong place. A tear rolled down my cheek as I witnessed the beauty inherent in an old person not being excused out of hand for doing something stupid.

3. Police and Public Officials
Negative Feature- The Russian police are notoriously corrupt, and will let anything slide for a bribe. When I first arrived in Moscow, my host-brother quickly gave me the run down on the average bribe amounts for general traffic infractions. Also, you will often see police officers traveling in packs around the city, and they can ask you for your paperwork and I.D. at any time. Fortunately, I was never the recipient of this kind of honor, but as an American the very idea of this conjures feelings of trepidation. Also, Russian mail officials are infamous for their crimes and will often open mail and take what they want. A girl who went to Russia with me opened a package sent from home only to discover a torn magazine and cookie crumbs (Yes, it seems the official ate her cookies over the box).
Positive Feature- The police uniforms are quite snazzy, and the officers will change them depending on the weather. For example, in winter a Russian police officer may wear the stereotypical fur hat and large jacket. In the summer he will wear a more cool and casual blue cap with a windbreaker. Also, due to aforementioned traffic, Russian police officers don't usually pull you over in a car, but instead flag you down from the shoulder. This results in what appears to be the option to pull over whenever you want. My host brother was late taking me to school one day so he was speeding. The officer flagged him down; he muttered something about not wanting to stop, so we just blew right by him! Also, while the mail officials are great at stealing your things, they are also a wonderful excuse for laziness. It’s possible that if I chose not to send postcards, I could excuse my guilt by claiming that Russian custom officials stole my Russian postcards. Who knows! (I do) It could work. (It does)

2. Public Glamour Shots in Front of Historically Relevant Objects
Negative Feature- None.
Positive Feature- This may be my favorite feature of the Russian mentality. Let me explain. Imagine you were at the Vatican. You decide to take a picture of one of the most famous churches in the world, when you notice a young couple taking photos beside you. You think nothing of it as you set up your shot. Slowly it dawns on you that something is not right. You look at the couple and notice that the woman is seductively posing in front of the church. You see it all. The puckered lips, the cleavage, the hand through the hair. Take that image, and transpose it on every historic or important site in Russia. Now you have some indication of my experience. One time I saw a woman straddling a tree and bending over (to show her chest) in front of the oldest Russian Orthodox church in existence. By that time I was no longer surprised, but it did make me wonder about the first person who thought that famous churches were a perfect place for a sexually suggestive photo. I can only imagine the conversation. "You know Charlene; I always thought I was ugly and that no man would love me. Of course, that was before I posed in front of St. Basil's with only a bra on! Now I can't stop meeting people who want to know me! If only I'd known this wonderful truth sooner!"

1. History
Negative Feature- None.
Positive Feature- As if anyone couldn't see this coming! In my opinion Russian history is the richest and most interesting subject worth studying. Russia is the largest country in the world, covering eleven time zones. Its unique position on the map has caused it to be influenced by events in both Europe and Asia. While this mingling has caused many hardships, it has also led to many outstanding features which can only be experienced in Russia. It is with this in mind that I am prepared to return to the country that I have devoted so much of my time and energy trying to better understand. I will spare you all the lectures concerning the extent that Russian events have influenced the modern world. Instead I will conclude by saying that Russia is a fantastic country, and I would be willing to talk about it with anyone who wants to do so. Finally to answer the questions posed at the beginning of the blog. Why would I want to go? Because its great, and I will continue learning Russian, and be (finally) living in a large city. Are Russians glad about the fall of Communism? You would have to ask them, but I would say half are and half aren't. Commies who eat the flesh of puppies? Most are no longer Commies, and Commies never ate puppies. In fact I'm pretty sure they restricted themselves to merely consuming children.