Apologies and Guilty Pleasures

A week ago, I wrote a post concerning my observations and opinions of Russia. Upon finishing it, I congratulated myself on a job well done, and retired to my bed to consider the words of wisdom I had so cleverly placed within those few paragraphs. Despite my obviously amazing work, there was one aspect about the blog that bothered me, that kept eating at me throughout the night. The pain began to engulf me and it was at that moment that I knew, that the little lie I had sewn into my words would consume me. Throughout the night, I battled my conscious, and by morning I was a shell of the man who had written the blog only hours before. In my weakness, I decided to seek condolence from the internet through my email. It was then that I noticed a message from my friend Jesse. Hoping that his words would cheer me up, I opened it only to be faced with a shocking condemnation of my lie. His words struck a cord in me, and I knew that I could not live with the falsity I had spread. Therefore, I humbly throw myself on the mercy of my readers when I confess this simple truth. I have liked and still like songs by the band Bon Jovi. As a result of this confession, I wish to air the truth about my acceptance of Bon Jovi as a musical entity, as well reveal other musical guilty pleasures. I believe that only after all of my musical demons have been exorcised, will it be possible for me to find peace among my friends, and the music that I like that doesn't suck.

First, I would like to clear the air about Bon Jovi. I have never purchased a Bon Jovi album. Like all middle class Caucasians, I was issued a copy of "Crossroads", their greatest hits album. I thoroughly enjoy the album, but I won't lie to you when I say that I do get a pleasure out of knowing I didn't give money to Bon Jovi. Of course my possession of a bootleg version of "Crossroads" is not the most difficult part of my confession. It is with a heavy heart that I admit to previously owning a legitimate copy of Bon Jovi's album "Crush", released in 2000. I genuinely enjoyed the single, "Its My Life", and publicly announced a desire to own its corresponding album. My good friend Ric reluctantly purchased a copy for me for my birthday. Despite this nauseating fact, I am proud to report that I traded it back for a better album later. I would also like to say that I did not like any of the other songs on the album. My only excuse is that I got so caught up in hating Bon Jovi due to the overall lameness of the music and their fans, that I denied my own affection for some of their songs. Despite this, I would like to assure everyone that I never owned a copy of the film, "Young Guns", and that I watched "Pay it Forward" due to the content of the message, and not due to Jon's cameo.

The healing that I feel has begun to engulf my soul, can only be complete after I offer everyone a list of all my guilty pleasures. For those of you with weak stomachs or working ears, it may prudent to skip the rest of this paragraph.
--Fleetwood Mac, especially the song "Go Your Own Way"
--Lionel Richie, especially the song "Dancing on the Ceiling" (The most listened to song this year according to my Ipod.)
--Foreigner, especially the song "Cold As Ice"
--Asia, "Heat of the Moment"
--Electric Light Orchestra, especially the song "Telephone Booth"
--Dima Bilan, the song "Never Let You Go" (This is a Russian Pop song, I pray to God nightly that I only like this because I'm nostalgic about Russia, nightly.)
--Lordi, especially the song "Rock and Roll Hallelujah" (I'm not really ashamed about his one, but take one look at the band and you will know why I listed it.)

I believe that is all for the moment. I would like to conclude by apologizing once more for the pain and grief that my confessions undoubtedly have caused you all. I know that your faith in my musical taste must be shaken, but I promise to do all that I can to regain your trust. In the mean time, I plan to wallow in my own shame to the tune of "You Give Love a Bad Name."

Reminiscences From the North

As many of you are aware, I spent three interesting months last spring in the great city of Moscow in the northern paradise known as Russia. Now that I have been removed from the country for the last four months, I'm beginning to reevaluate my time there. As a result of this introspective pursuit, I've been able to better appreciate the little nuances of Russian life as little bits of genius. Now many may argue that my new found enlightenment might be the result of a growing frustration with Japanese customs and culture. I would respond to my critics by reminding them that I've always hated Japanese culture (with the notable exception of violent porn comics, I'm only human), and that therefore they should applaud my new found clairvoyance. With this in mind, I felt it was my duty to share with the world the details of my conversion, by revealing everything I've come to know and love about the Russians and their city of Moscow.

There are many things about Russia that don't have a place here. Everyone has heard about the beautiful and efficient metro, their amazing architecture, and fascinating history. My goal is to describe the better parts of Russia. First, I would like to applaud their ability to compensate for the extremes of their climate by creating 20 foot snow drifts without adequate drainage for when it melts. The joy of walking through a constant mud puddle while the snow was melting was a wonderful experience. I would also like to encourage Russian drivers to continue their policy of driving their cars directly into the puddles in order to splash anyone nearby. I quite enjoyed the 4 foot high wave of mud coming towards me on my way to school. Second, I wanted to encourage the people of Moscow to continue their policy of combating the evil that is the sidewalk. For too long, sidewalks have made themselves available to us so that we don't have to walk in the street. The Russian strategy of parking cars and heavy machinery on every inch of this menace has insured that not only will the sidewalk be unable to maintain its intended task as pedestrian thoroughfare, but it has also made it possible for sections of the hated footpath to crumble into concrete dust.

The third aspect of Moscow I would like to discuss concerns their conception of celebration. Seventy years of totalitarian rule would exhaust anyone, and therefore I would like to first congratulate the Russian people for being in a country that is almost identical to the old Soviet Union, only now, they have been relieved of the burden that was their pension. The birth of democratic Russia has allowed the Russian people to use their new found "freedom" to express joy at the gifts of capitalism through violence and deception. The distrust shown with every financial transaction, the $1 packs of cigarettes, and $5 bottles of vodka show a society which is no way trying to escape from a life that is being improved daily by the introduction of the free market. This coupled with the destruction that resonates throughout a soccer stadium following a victory, and the intrinsic knowledge of how much money constitutes a reasonable bribe is a ringing endorsement of the capitalist system in its raw embryonic phase. I would also like to applaud the Russian leadership. They rewarded the Russian people's fervent optimism and belief in a better tomorrow during the fall of the Soviet Union with the type of excess that a post-revolutionary society could not possibly afford. The 308-foot statue of Peter the Great standing on an undersized boat and the gilded behemoth that is the "Church of Christ the Savior" stand as beacon for the inefficiencies of bureaucracy as well as a reminder that the temporal houses of God are more important than food for his children.

Unfortunately, all of Russia's finer points aren't as trivial as those mentioned above. It is with a heavy heart that I reveal the sad truth about the fate of the Russian people. The fate that befell on us in the late 1980’s has fallen on them, but now in a "maximum" form. Yes, it’s true; apparently people are aware of the existence of Bon Jovi. I report this with utter sorrow, as I have worked all my life to slow the proliferation of his music, but alas, I have failed. The truth has hit Russia hard, but if they can overcome the Mongols, Napoleon, and the Nazi's, I believe that just maybe, they can beat this new terror.

In conclusion, I would like to reiterate my love for Russia. I miss it dearly everyday, and despite its aforementioned Bon Jovi infestation, I feel like there is no place I would rather be. The three months I was there were amazing. I showered daily with a pine tree and watched a man sleep only in black briefs while I ate my breakfast. What more could I want? I personally can not wait until I'm given the opportunity to again stroll through the streets of Moscow avoiding mud waves and witnessing the next gross imposition the Russian leadership imposes on its resilient population.

Hard Gay: Japan's Answer To Stereotyping

Stereotyping is an unfortunate side-effect of a majority of people attempting to understand a minority that appears strange to them. While many cultures have made efforts to combat this phenomenon, the unfortunate truth is that stereotyping exists and proliferates with no foreseeable end. Throughout history, the homosexual community has been the victims of stereotyping. Many people's impressions of how homosexuals interact with other people is almost always much different than the way they truthfully live. The frequently heard stereotype is that gay people are normal participants in the order of life. Many believe that they do not act differently from you or me and that they are in fact, not sexual deviants. Some stereotypes imply that they are capable of the same moral standards that we all live by. Finally, some people believe that they are equal in everyway, and therefore should not be singled out for any reason. It’s hard to believe that people still cling to such antiquated views. Despite this, I am proud to report that nation of Japan has made some rather impressive strides towards defeating this myth. Through the national icon "Hard Gay", the Japanese people are beginning to understand the truth behind homosexuals in their community, one pelvic thrust at a time...

Since first appearing on the scene under the guise of a comedian, Hard Gay has been fighting against the profiling of homosexuals. Wearing his trademark leather vest, hat, and hot pants, Hard Gay has shown us that not all homosexuals choose to assimilate into their native cultures by wearing modest attire. It must be noted that Hard Gay's affinity for dancing (most often to the soothing beats of Ricky Martin's "Livin' La Vida Loca") and spinning prove that gay men are incapable of living without over-the-top theatrics. Also, Hard Gay's selfless acts of "charity" for people on the street, whether it be preparing delicious dishes for children, or working at a noodle restaurant, demolish the common belief that gay people seldom support openly liberal causes. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, Hard Gay has re-introduced the world to the wonders of the "pelvic thrust". While many attribute the popularity of the thrust in America as part the Wayne's World craze of the early 1990's, some attribute Hard Gay with introducing its beautiful rhythm to the Japanese audience. As a result of his efforts, Hard Gay has benefited many homosexuals by utilizing his lightning fast pelvic thrusts to prove once and for all that those belonging to the homosexual community are incapable of going through life without engaging in overtly sexual behavior.

In conclusion, I would like to thank Hard Gay for all of his achievements, as well as call for increased efforts to include homosexuals into our community free of stereotypes. In my opinion, the easiest way to do this is by including some of Hard Gay's actions into the daily lives of all heterosexuals. It is my belief that we should all begin to wear leather hot pants, vests and aviator sun glasses. When talking to a friend, feel free to include a pelvic thrust or two (or three, or four) to emphasize an especially strong point. Do a dance when you’re happy or even if you are sad! Also, and this is the most important, we must act like we have some underground sexual fetish that stops us from effectively assimilating into modern society. Only after we have accomplished these tasks, will it be possible for homosexuals to truly find acceptance in mainstream culture. I just hope that Hard Gay's efforts have not been wasted. Although, the leather chaps in my closest tell me his success is just beginning.

Tales From Home Pt. 2: The "Jesse Moonsault"

Due to a relatively boring week in Japan, I have decided to revisit my home town and reveal yet another story about my life growing up in rural Pennsylvania. Before I start though, I would like to give an update based on my last entry. It appears that my love of Cage is not an isolated phenomenon. The movie channel that I watch in Japan, Movies Plus, has what appears to be a "Cage month" marathon of movies from different points in Cage's career going on throughout October. This might be a frightening but gratifying coincidence, or the Japanese and I finally have something in common. I will keep you all informed about how the Cage marathon transpires.

My time in Pennsylvania gave me a ton of stories to muse over as my life continued away from home. In the first part of this series, I discussed Moulin and his brownie, while only briefly commenting on the other friend Jesse. Like I previously mentioned, Jesse loved to eat peas, and only spoke in broken "Simpsons" quotes. He also styled himself as an "athlete", since he played baseball, and therefore he worked out frequently and refused any clothing above the waist. It was with this implied athletic ability that the stage was set for one of the most embarrassing moments in his life, the "Jesse Moonsault."

While Jesse insists that the story that I'm about to tell happened differently, the version that I will relate has been corroborated by my friend Ric, another witness to the forthcoming event. It all happened on a bright sunny day at Jesse's house. My friend Ric and I had been discussing how we could help solve world hunger. Jesse as if to spite us, had just consumed a massive amount of peas, in the hope of discouraging our noble venture. The three of us decided that a nice way to ease the tension and beat the summer heat would be by taking a dip in Jesse's pool. Jesse thought that this would be "excellent" (in a Mr. Burns voice) and so we all proceeded to prepare ourselves for a refreshing swim. Naturally, Jesse wasn't wearing a shirt and therefore he only had to change shorts. He beat us outside and started doing pull-ups to show us how strong he was. We politely complimented him and then hopped into the pool. The water was chilly, but refreshing and we were adequately relaxed in no time. After a few minutes Ric and I decided to do summersaults and moonsaults (backwards summersaults) into the pool. Jesse, his vanity reaching untold of proportions was doing push-ups over a bottle of sun tan lotion. Through our fun we could hear him reaching exaggerated numbers, "977, 978, 979." We sighed and asked him if there was anything we could do for him. We even offered to pay for the use of the pool. Jesse sneered, and said he would not take money from such weaklings. Instead, he offered an athletic competition. Ric, showing all humility said, "But Jesse, you are very strong and there is no way we could ever beat you." Jesse let out a large laugh, and said, "I saw you doing those backwards summersaults! You pansies could only do one flip; I bet I could do four before ever hitting the water!" We looked at our feet, and I said, "Jesse, It’s really hard to do. You have never done it before. Please we don't want you to get hurt, don't try it!" He only looked at me and put on his athletic gear, which in this case apparently consisted of a cowboy hat and a suede jacket (as can be proven by the authentic photograph above). He turned around and looked us and said, "This is so easy, of course I can do it. Gosh! You are such a bunch of wusses!" At this moment he lunged himself backwards, and far from doing even one flip, he fell backward with a force not seen in the Kennerdell region in years. Ric and I, concerned for Jesse's welfare, jumped in the water to help him. We pulled him back onto the porch, and he regained consciousness. Jesse then stood up, and had a surprisingly triumphant look on his face. "Hahahah, I fooled you guys! Did you see that awesome reverse belly flop I did?" Confused, Ric and I stared at him and meekly said, "Jesse, you said you could do a moonsault, but you didn't make it, we were concerned." Jesse looked at us and with anger in his eyes said, "If you tell anyone what happened this day I will squash you two like bugs. From now on, we will all say that I was really hesitant about doing it, and that you guys laughed at me when I failed." He continued by saying, "also, according to my story I am always nice, I don't eat as many peas as you say, and I let you over here because I enjoy your company and not because my mother makes delicious brownies!" We agreed, and since then, the true story has been overshadowed by Jesse's lie.

I felt that now was the time to express what really happened. Now that I live in Japan, far from Jesse's wrath, I can now tell the truth about what happened. I also do this because I'm concerned for Jesse's fiancée. She is a very nice girl, and if she knew the truth about him, it’s possible she would have never given him a chance. I hope that this story opens up others who are victims of Jesse's threats, and allows a culture of honesty to prevail. Only through time, can events like the "Jesse Moonsault" and other wrongs be remedied. The "Jesse Moonsault", is just the beginning. Former and current Jesse friends, you have a world to win. You have nothing to lose but your shame; Jesse's friends throughout the world unite!