Reminiscences From the North

As many of you are aware, I spent three interesting months last spring in the great city of Moscow in the northern paradise known as Russia. Now that I have been removed from the country for the last four months, I'm beginning to reevaluate my time there. As a result of this introspective pursuit, I've been able to better appreciate the little nuances of Russian life as little bits of genius. Now many may argue that my new found enlightenment might be the result of a growing frustration with Japanese customs and culture. I would respond to my critics by reminding them that I've always hated Japanese culture (with the notable exception of violent porn comics, I'm only human), and that therefore they should applaud my new found clairvoyance. With this in mind, I felt it was my duty to share with the world the details of my conversion, by revealing everything I've come to know and love about the Russians and their city of Moscow.

There are many things about Russia that don't have a place here. Everyone has heard about the beautiful and efficient metro, their amazing architecture, and fascinating history. My goal is to describe the better parts of Russia. First, I would like to applaud their ability to compensate for the extremes of their climate by creating 20 foot snow drifts without adequate drainage for when it melts. The joy of walking through a constant mud puddle while the snow was melting was a wonderful experience. I would also like to encourage Russian drivers to continue their policy of driving their cars directly into the puddles in order to splash anyone nearby. I quite enjoyed the 4 foot high wave of mud coming towards me on my way to school. Second, I wanted to encourage the people of Moscow to continue their policy of combating the evil that is the sidewalk. For too long, sidewalks have made themselves available to us so that we don't have to walk in the street. The Russian strategy of parking cars and heavy machinery on every inch of this menace has insured that not only will the sidewalk be unable to maintain its intended task as pedestrian thoroughfare, but it has also made it possible for sections of the hated footpath to crumble into concrete dust.

The third aspect of Moscow I would like to discuss concerns their conception of celebration. Seventy years of totalitarian rule would exhaust anyone, and therefore I would like to first congratulate the Russian people for being in a country that is almost identical to the old Soviet Union, only now, they have been relieved of the burden that was their pension. The birth of democratic Russia has allowed the Russian people to use their new found "freedom" to express joy at the gifts of capitalism through violence and deception. The distrust shown with every financial transaction, the $1 packs of cigarettes, and $5 bottles of vodka show a society which is no way trying to escape from a life that is being improved daily by the introduction of the free market. This coupled with the destruction that resonates throughout a soccer stadium following a victory, and the intrinsic knowledge of how much money constitutes a reasonable bribe is a ringing endorsement of the capitalist system in its raw embryonic phase. I would also like to applaud the Russian leadership. They rewarded the Russian people's fervent optimism and belief in a better tomorrow during the fall of the Soviet Union with the type of excess that a post-revolutionary society could not possibly afford. The 308-foot statue of Peter the Great standing on an undersized boat and the gilded behemoth that is the "Church of Christ the Savior" stand as beacon for the inefficiencies of bureaucracy as well as a reminder that the temporal houses of God are more important than food for his children.

Unfortunately, all of Russia's finer points aren't as trivial as those mentioned above. It is with a heavy heart that I reveal the sad truth about the fate of the Russian people. The fate that befell on us in the late 1980’s has fallen on them, but now in a "maximum" form. Yes, it’s true; apparently people are aware of the existence of Bon Jovi. I report this with utter sorrow, as I have worked all my life to slow the proliferation of his music, but alas, I have failed. The truth has hit Russia hard, but if they can overcome the Mongols, Napoleon, and the Nazi's, I believe that just maybe, they can beat this new terror.

In conclusion, I would like to reiterate my love for Russia. I miss it dearly everyday, and despite its aforementioned Bon Jovi infestation, I feel like there is no place I would rather be. The three months I was there were amazing. I showered daily with a pine tree and watched a man sleep only in black briefs while I ate my breakfast. What more could I want? I personally can not wait until I'm given the opportunity to again stroll through the streets of Moscow avoiding mud waves and witnessing the next gross imposition the Russian leadership imposes on its resilient population.