A Thanksgiving Tradition

Regardless of its murky origins, Thanksgiving has become one of the purest of American traditions. It remains one of the unique holidays that have avoided most of the negative features of exploitation showered on many other American celebrations. Free from the religious and marketing undertone seen in Christmas and Easter, as well as the nationalistic tendencies inherit in Independence Day, Veterans Day, and Memorial Day, Thanksgiving remains a day relegated for family to unite and enjoy a meal while appreciating the good things in life. Despite the seemingly wonderful intentions of Thanksgiving, there is always a percentage of the population removed from the festivities. What if you hate turkey? What if you don't have a family? What if aren't (gasp) American? If you answered yes to any of those questions, then Thanksgiving must be a bitter pill to swallow. It is with these people in mind that I'm looking to start a new Thanksgiving tradition. In the next few paragraphs I hope to detail my new hope for the holiday by relating my own Thanksgiving activities. I believe that only through proper implementation of my own ideas, will it be possible for those outside of the American mainstream to enjoy a day that must have left some people utterly depressed about their place in life.

My own descent into Thanksgiving pariah began two years ago while I was attending university. I was in my third year and due to work, I was unable to return home to enjoy the bounty usually presented before me. Believing that a day with Turkey would not cause too much harm, I dropped my laundry off at a friends apartment, (his mother did the laundry for me, a debt that I still feel some responsibility for) and went home to settle into a normal days routine. As my body began to realize that this Thursday in November might not result in Turkey consumption, I quickly grew weaker and even found myself turning on the "Macy's Thanksgiving Parade" to placate it. Realizing that my day alone at home would not be sufficiently depressing upon retelling the story, I decided to go to the local grocery store and buy some sliced turkey and instant stuffing. As I prepared my feast, I was delighted by the knowledge that my story would generate genuine sympathy and that people would truly believe that I longed for all the trappings of tradition. I finished the day full from my turkey and went to work realizing that I would be surrounded by similar souls who for one reason or another had also been given the honor of being torn from their turkey to work on the holiday.

One year later, I found myself in a similar position due to my work schedule. The delight that last years story had brought me, made me committed to the idea of topping it. Despite this, I also realized that this years tale would mainly be intended for my friends, and therefore planned accordingly. Therefore, I purchased a boneless turkey and even some frozen corn! I also made sure to mention to anyone who asked (or didn't ask) that my girlfriend was off in Japan, and that I was very sad. It is with all these aspects in place that I preceded with the ultimate act of isolation. I must warn you now, what I write next may be difficult to believe. So, it is with great trepidation that I inform everyone that this was the moment that I commenced in viewing the entire Star Wars saga. Close to fourteen hours of non stop science fiction greeted me as I wallowed in the pain of being alone. Everyone who heard this story winced and wondered how I had survived this self-inflicted torture. As I finished my last year of university, I was prepared to cease my new ritual. I did not know then, that I would have at least one more year to prepare for the ultimate act of Thanksgiving solitude.

My year in Japan has been filled with numerous changes that I feared would permanently end my two years of Thanksgiving tradition. My life with Leslie has been good, and I assumed that November 23rd would eventually come and that we would have a pleasant evening in our home. It was at the moment of my greatest doubt that Leslie as if by accident chose to visit some friends in Kyoto on the very day that my custom had begun, only two years ago. Realizing the potential of the gift given to me, I quickly prepared to celebrate my third Thanksgiving alone. Lacking even fundamental food, I chose to eat (an unintentionally even more depressing) spaghetti and meatballs. Looking for some holiday entertainment, I went to the local video store and picked up one of the worst films I have ever seen.

The movie, "Blood Gnome",may be the biggest waste of money ever spent. I'm not sure if it was soft-core pornography, but the amount of nudity within the movie makes a good argument in favor of this theory. The film quality was little better than amateur, and the plot absolutely unwatchable. The story revolved around a character (who looked liked Steven Perry from "Journey") who investigates violent crimes. When creatures begin attacking people, he is the only one with an infrared camera capable of seeing them. The movie continues with brief scenes of Steve and the Gnomes conversing via Instant Messenger, culminating in a violent moment where he kicks one in the crotch. Despite this, the movie made a more than adequate addition to the growing library of bad movies that I have had the pleasure to view in my life.

In conclusion, I would like to help all of those who may have answered "yes" to the questions originally addressed at the beginning of this entry. I hope that my story has served as an inspiration to everyone who fails to fit the narrow interpretation of who can celebrate Thanksgiving. It is with this mind that I urge all to start their own tradition of finding some of the most depressing actions, and doing them in order to generate sympathy. I assure you that it is really enjoyable, and that just the idea of performing tired stereotypes of people who are alone is worth its weight in gold. I look forward to next year with impending delight. I only hope the new custom that I have created will someday supplant the turkey eating common in the U.S. today. Until then, if you need me on Thanksgiving, I will be the broken man soaking the cold turkey sandwich with tears rooted in a loneliness that only comes from abject isolation.

Jesus Christ! Will You Please Stop Using My Name in Vain?

Any memories from my childhood would not be complete with referencing the Sunday ritual of attending the local evangelical church. As I got older, I was constantly told that there were certain things that I should not do or think, because the result could be an eternity of damnation. Despite this, I was told that God was love, and that he didn't hate me, but what he did hate was sin. My young mind was unable to understand a faith that promoted the idea of an all powerful God who had curiously created the opportunity for sin to enter the world, then immediately became submissive to its existence, unable to save us despite a seemingly honest desire to do so. Finally as I reached my teenage years, and begin to grasp the fact that God needed a blood sacrifice from his only (why just one?) son to right the wrong he himself created, I realized that the very nature of the story had irrevocably caused an immediate and permanent break from Christianity. (Many may argue that original sin is the product of the dark angel Lucifer, but why did God give one of his angels the sin of pride, before sin had even entered the human psyche?) Despite my differing opinions concerning Christian theology, my intention for this blog is not to debate the legitimacy of the Christian faith, but instead to frame a discussion concerning the many likes and dislikes of God himself. As previously mentioned, my Christian indoctrination has allowed me the knowledge of God's particular dislikes when it comes to abstract philosophical matters. For example, I can say for certain that God hates sin. I have also learned from many right wing politicians that God has as venomous hatred of any economic system other than Capitalism. Despite this knowledge, these facts have not helped us get to know the entity that is God any closer. In order to truly know God I feel that it is necessary to interview him and talk to the entity itself. How does he live? Is he like us in some ways? Does he sometimes squander his paycheck on new Christian Rock CD's? Does he enjoy unleavened bread? All of these questions had entered my mind, so you can imagine my surprise when God consented to an interview. The following is a complete transcript of my discussion with the famous Judeo-Christian God.

C.H.: God, it’s nice to finally meet you.
God: Nice to see you again. I want to say first that I will not answer any questions relating to hot button issues. So please don't ask me any questions about homosexuality or abortion. I just urge all to use their minds and realize that times change and sometimes love between consenting adults or practical matters trump the musings of ancient scholars who believed that the reason we speak different languages is because I got upset over a building in Iraq that they were building. I mean honestly you would think if that was the case, there wouldn't be an urban construction crew in the world who could speak the same language. So, before you say anything. I urge all to do what they know is right and stop citing me as a way to justify your prejudice.
C.H.: Okay. In that case, I want to begin by congratulating you on a fine job with earth, it’s not perfect, but I sense that you work in mysterious ways.
God: Aaah, yeah! I do work in mysterious ways, but let’s be honest. I do not influence everything, people die, disasters happen. I don't really mess with that kind of stuff because of the guilt that comes with the mass slaughter of innocent people. My taste for genocide waned after I helped eliminate the Canaanite people from Palestine after the Jewish exodus from Egypt. I have been working since then to strengthen my reputation as a just and loving God.
C.H.: Is that true? The exodus and the elimination of the descendants of Cain, whom you promised to protect?
God: It has to be, it’s in the Bible.
C.H.: Fair enough. What is it that you occupy your time with today?
God: Well, I have become quite accustomed to sitting in heaven, and admiring my streets of Zinc.
C.H. Zinc? I thought they were gold?
God: Yes, well despite the claims on earth, I am not a fan of capitalism. I made some unwise investments in penny stocks hoping for the big return, but unfortunately the Asian recession coupled with some poor decisions by my broker has forced me to liquidate my assets. I'm beginning to feel the pinch, especially since I have to keep fighting off acquisition attempts from Hell.
C.H.: So, contrary to belief, you are not a supporter of Capitalism?
God: No, how could I be. I love everyone equally. I do not show favoritism and I can not justify one group of people having more privileges and luxury than another.
C.H.: Interesting. Well, the purpose of this interview was to find out about your general likes and dislikes. There are many groups who claim to speak for you when they say that you hate certain things like gays or abortion. I was wondering if you could tell me about the more mundane things you hate.
God: (laughs) I sense you are hoping to gauge my response as a way into what I said I would not talk about, you are clever, but keep in mind I'm the one who gave Solomon the brilliance needed to decide which woman was the true mother of the child he intended to cut in half. So watch it!
C.H.: Okay, I'm sorry. Please continue.
God: Well, let me see. I really hate contemporary Christian music. It’s so stupid, and the lyrics are forced. Look, when you pigeonhole lyrics so that they only ever talk about one specific topic, then the music will naturally be lame. Plus all these Christian bands believe I'm somehow influencing them. That’s not true; I only ever helped one band make it, and that was REO Speedwagon.
C.H.: Really, okay anything else
God: Well, since I'm God, I don't really hate much. I don't really like unleavened bread; I created yeast for a reason. I don't know where the Jews got that idea. Hmmmm, well one surprising fact is that I still have a healthy respect for Lucifer. He has balls, and I'm still smitten with how beautiful I made him. He and I disagree, but contrary to belief, I did not kick him out of heaven. I am God, and I realize simple disagreements should not break up old friendships. Sure, we aren't as close as we used to be, but we are both excited for the new Nintendo Wii and I'm sure he'll be around to play it as soon as I can get one.
C.H.: So you and Satan are friends?
God: Yeah of course, we did not agree over what direction dinosaurs should go. I realized that it was an evolutionary dead end. He urged patience. I eliminated them and he was bitter. We are getting closer though, especially with how ridiculous things are getting on earth.
C.H.: So you don't hate as much as commonly believed?
God: No of course not, I saw you had a photo saying I hated what... Bacon? What?!? I love bacon! I don't know where people get some of the information, but I do see that in order to show the utter importance of your point of view, it is important to make people believe that I have a problem with it. I assure you that many of the things people I say I hate are not true, and if you want to know the truth, I urge you just to ask me.
C.H.: Anything else? Anything that you love?
God: Well, I really love everything, especially Arby's Melts and the movie "The Postman". I think that it was severely underrated. Look, I have spent an eternity trying to make others see that love should be the paramount emotion, and that it should never be ignored in favor of biblical aspects that are irrelevant for modern society.
C.H.: One final question. What do you say to people who don't believe in you?
God: That's a good question. Look faith is what it is. It's not for everyone. I completely understand that it’s a poor excuse for living a Christian, Muslim, or Jewish lifestyle, and I also realize that it’s not for everyone. My only advice is that those who have chosen to accept life as an end in itself also know that it is not their place to dash the hopes of those who need faith to explain their seemingly meaningless existence. For some people it is comforting to believe that good actions will earn just reward and that every thing in life is part of some great cosmic plan. As a result I must also warn against the juxtaposition of personal religious ideas into the wider world. One individual's conception of reality may be different than someone else's. So I would like to finish by urging everyone to follow the "Zinc Rule" and treat others as you would like to be treated. Please stop hating things, unless of course its Christian Pop music, that’s garbage. Oh, and its okay to hate Jon Voight. He's a crappy actor and I really hate looking at his face.
C.H.: Thank you for your time God.
God: No problem, anytime.

Another Brick in the Wall

The purpose of this blog will be nothing more than an update on what I'm doing here in the great nation of Japan. As the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, I have developed a level of comfort which stunts my creative juices, and therefore hinders the creation of original ideas that would otherwise be shared in this forum. So, alas it seems that I am forced to scrounge the bottom of my mind in order to find a topic that is not only interesting to write, but also one that is worth the five minutes needed to read it. Despite this, there does seem to be hope. I have recently started a new job teaching English, and the encounters I will experience promise to add a healthy dose of the ridiculous that will motivate me to seek an audience for mocking the Japanese at their attempts to learn English. As well as this, my constant desire to find new and interesting music will be suitable insurance for any time that the Japanese fail to make a mistake big enough to generate appropriate jokes. It is with this in mind that I intend to share my latest musical taste as well as details about my new occupation.

To begin, I will start with my new job at Nova Group. Last week, I stayed in Okayama so that I could participate in a week long training session. While there, I was the unfortunate victim of an information onslaught that can only be described as a tedious exercise sprinkled with monotonous detail. Upon leaving Okayama, I was positive that my new position would adequately fill the ranks of my previous jobs, and in fact be quite comfortable sitting next to "cashier" and "cook" on my already illustrious resume. This sense of foreboding continued to ferment over two days as I desperately tried placing a positive light on a situation that seemed to be devoid of any advantageous aspect. I dragged myself into work on that first day expecting to be greeted with the same sense of dread and deep seated hatred that had usually accompanied me to work during my days with Wal-Mart. I was surprised to discover that all of my internal debate was rendered obsolete by a rather pleasant experience that not only cleared my conscious of apprehension, but also reignited the spark of teaching that had been extinguished by four grueling years of university work. This new found outlook has not only made my daily trips to work much less strenuous, but it has also improved my general mood. Despite this, there remains a dark part of my soul which continues to whisper about the inevitable moment that my new occupation will join the ranks of Burger King, Subway, Reese Brothers, Wal-Mart, and that lame job at the house factory. I only hope that my negative conscious will be slow in adding Nova to the obstruction that clouds my optimism and forces me to succumb to a seemingly ever present negative view of society.

On a more positive front, I have recently yielded to an almost inevitable event. It is with a proud heart and a clear conscious that I finally come out of the closet and admit that I am a Pink Floyd fan. For many years, I had purposefully avoided this revelation due to all the losers I had met who listed Pink Floyd as one of their favorite bands. I had long equated listening to Pink Floyd as a bi-product of those who wanted to increase their high while on some type of drug, and felt that my urge towards progressive rock could be placated by the phenomenal bands Rush and Yes. Throughout university, I believed these truths to be self evident, and possessed a copy of "Dark Side of the Moon" for the explicit purpose of watching it with "The Wizard of Oz" (in case it ever came up in conversation, I assure you I was not lame enough to just pop it in on a Friday night just to marvel at something that seems to defy coincidence). In any event, my recent conversion must be attributed to the television show "South Park". After reading about the show on wikipedia, I discovered that the inspiration for Cartman's common phrase, "charight you are" was the Pink Floyd song, "Pigs (Three Different Ones)." Out of curiosity I downloaded the song, and was immediately hooked. I quickly acquired the rest of the album, "Animals", and put it on repeat, hoping to absorb every nuance of the brilliant album. Realizing that I could not deny the urge anymore, I opened the flood gates and bought "The Wall", and "Wish You Were Here" (These are obvious albums I know, but I've only begun to reacquaint myself with the band. I will move on to more obscure albums once I'm sure of exactly what I'm looking to take from their music.) While not having the same impact of "Animals", I loved "The Wall", and have decided that this album easily tops The Who's rock operas "Quadrophenia" and "Tommy."(My opinion may be the result of a growing animosity towards "The Who" centered on a personal dislike of Pete Townshend, but I feel that in any case "The Wall" has better songs than "Quadrophenia" and a darker more subtle tone than "Tommy.")

Pink Floyd's rise to prominence in my musical hierarchy was a long time coming. Every time I discover the connecting themes within "The Wall", the moment I hear the sounds and production elaborated on in "Shine on You Crazy Diamond", and even now as I listen to the brilliant complexities inherent in "Animals", I realize that I was mistaken when making the decision to avoid this band for so long. It is with great joy that Pink Floyd will be the next, but far from the last addition to the ever growing list of bands that continue to mold my personality. Their vast musical catalog will be welcome during the long commutes to my new job. It seems that in their own unique ways; both Nova and Pink Floyd are just another brick in the wall.

All Power to the Soviets!

This week I will be in the city of Okayama, receiving instruction as part of the requirements for employment with Nova. As a result of this fact, I felt I would write a quick blog before I left as a way to maintain my consistency. Despite this, I must admit that the desire to remain constant in regards to my blog is not my primary reason for writing. As many of you are undoubtedly aware (or should be!), this Tuesday is the 89th anniversary of one of the most important events in world history. On November 7, 1917, a small political party chose to take power in a decision that set the course for many notable events that shaped the 20th century. In the next few paragraphs, I will focus on some of the causes of the revolution, as well as attempt to relate the effects of the Bolshevik party's leadership in revolutionary Russia. I also plan to briefly reveal how their beliefs and successes impacted our modern lives, as well as address the possibility that their philosophy may still have a hand in influencing our futures.

The world was at war in 1917, and Russia had chosen to involve itself in the hope of receiving glory and riches. Unfortunately, poor leadership by Tsar Nicholas II coupled with harsh treatment by landowners and business leaders had created squalor and hardship throughout the countryside. The soldiers, the peasants, and members of the working class had long suffered under the yoke of people living decadent lifestyles at their expense, and the war only intensified the feelings of discontent. When the winter of 1916-17 resulted in yet another famine, the people rose up and forced the Tsar to abdicate. The power vacuum opened the door for hundreds of politicians and revolutionaries to return to the country after years of forced exile abroad. A Provisional Government composed of many who supported capitalism was initially created to the pleasure of many foreign governments and businessman. The result was a state lead by aristocrats who continued the war aims of the Tsar and businessman who viewed the revolution as a perfect opportunity for financial gain in the future. The common people saw the contradiction between the goals of the new government and their own dreams, and began to look to the small Bolshevik Party as the only hope for true change.

The Bolshevik Party had two major leaders that set the stage for what transpired in November. Vladimir Lenin had created the Bolshevik party in 1903. The party promoted the idea that capitalism only helped a small part of the population, and that the majority of people were being exploited for the gain of a vast minority. Lenin claimed that only socialism was capable of giving universal equality in the economic, political, and social realms. Lenin's argued that only hard work and fervent belief in a world revolution could create this change. His trust in the necessity of revolution as the only means for transforming Russia had fueled his thinking, and he was justifiably motivated to double his efforts after the Tsar's removal. He was joined in this endeavor by Leon Trotsky. Trotsky was a leading theoretician and revolutionary who joined the Bolsheviks shortly after returning to Russia in 1917. He was a master orator who skillfully utilized his words the fill the people with a sense of hope that had been squashed by the Provisional Government. Many of his theories would be utilized by the party, and his tireless work ethic allowed him to become one of the most prominent and admired leaders in Russia. The two revolutionaries were joined by a cadre of like minded individuals who had spent their lives working toward the goal of allowing the Russian people the opportunity to attain their true potential. The stage was set for the October Revolution (so called because the Russian {Julian} calendars listed the day as October 25th, while European and American {Gregorian} calendars listed it as November 7th).

One of the major platforms espoused by the Bolsheviks was the phrase "All Power to the Soviets". A "soviet" was a congress of common people chosen to represent their brethren. "Soviets" could be found in many major cities and were seen as more reliable than the Provisional Government because they could actually discuss issues directly relevant to the concerns of the majority of the population. The Bolshevik support of these congresses showed their belief in democracy as well as giving them the overwhelming support of many city dwellers (their support in the countryside was less). On November 7th, Bolshevik supporters lead by Trotsky, stormed the Winter Palace (the building where the Provisional Government met) and declared the formation of the first socialist country.

What happened later is a story to long to relate in this forum. The high ideals and hope of the revolution descended into despair due to numerous unforeseen hardships. Foreign intervention (by Great Britain, U.S.A., and France) as well as Civil War resulted in bringing the Soviet Government to the brink of destruction. The death of Lenin from a stroke in 1924 and the rise of Joseph Stalin who subsequently proceeded to kill many of the brilliant leaders of the revolution, (including Trotsky in 1940) caused the Soviet Union to veer away from its original ideals. The corruption and lack of democracy that existed under Stalin's regime allowed for many of those who were threatened by the original ideas promoted by the revolution to conclude that true equality was nothing more than an unattainable delusion. Despite this, the Soviet Union's existence set the stage for the rest of the history of the 20th century. The U.S.S.R (Union of Soviet Socialist Republics) was one of the primary players in the allied victory in World War II and the resulting Cold War. The collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991 ended the corrupted dream of its creators. Many in the west hailed the end of the U.S.S.R. as the triumph for freedom and capitalism. It was this victory that cleared the way for the oppressed people living within the former Soviet Union to finally breathe the air of capitalism's freedom.

The end of the Soviet Union was heralded by the rest of the world as fundamental proof of the ultimate correctness of capitalism, as well verification of the deficiencies inherent in socialism. While this argument is convenient to those who fear the implications of fully functioning socialist state, the question remains. Will socialism or something like it ever exist? To be sure, anyone with a passing knowledge of Marxism knows that the social and economic conditions he described as being ripe for socialism were non-existent in the countries where it was implemented (i.e. Russia, China, Cuba, North Korea, Vietnam, etc.). With this in mind, it is also important in my opinion to disregard some of the antiquated aspects of Marxism, and instead focus on the fundamentals, notably class struggle and dialectical materialism. By using these principles and extrapolating ideas based on the economic and social conditions of today, it is possible for numerous scenarios to emerge. In conclusion, I urge everyone to take my advice and become involved in the events that shape our world. Even if you don't accept all or any tenets of Marxism, the important thing is to use your intellect, and involve yourself in the continued improvement of our species. Marx once said that, "Philosophers have only interpreted the world, the point, however, is to change it." Regardless of the past and future faults of the Bolsheviks, it is important to note one thing. On November 7, 1917, they believed they were about to change the world and usher in a period of truth, justice, and total equality. I only hope that we can someday replicate that example and be successful. We just need to take that first step.

The End is Near: Japan's New Attempt at Global Domination

A few months ago, I visited the city of Osaka to interview for a job within the country of Japan. While walking through the metro system, I noticed a picture of the band KISS, with the slogan "We Need KISS." I found this statement to be a universal truth and decided to write about it in a blog titled "A Day in Osaka." Since my enlightenment, I had grown to appreciate the wise beliefs of the Japanese, with no indication of the sinister undertones which lay dormant underneath the surface of an apparently genuine love of KISS. Unfortunately, my naivety had caused me to overlook the truth behind Japan's call for a KISS inspired society. As a result of my new found knowledge, I will devote this blog to the exposure of Japan's militant plans, as well as warning against the possible negative effects unleashed on the world if the Japanese plan is allowed to commence unhindered.

Two days ago, while visiting Osaka in order to finalize my plans for a job in Japan, I was walking through the very same tunnel that I had seen the original KISS poster. Hoping to gain inspiration from seeing the picture again, I eagerly awaited the moment when it would be in front of me. My shock and horror at seeing the updated photo is hard to express in words. The inspirational phrase that I believed had been meant for the entire human race was replaced with the words, "We Need Kiss Japan!" While this statement could be possibly ignored as nationalist propaganda, it was the picture in the right corner that caused a horrible feeling of foreboding to engulf my soul. The image I am referring to is none other than Godzilla. I recoiled in shock upon realizing what the poster implied. The danger to world security that a successful collaboration between Godzilla and KISS pose is incalculable, especially if it is the service of one nation. I understand that in times like these, with the nuclear threat posed by North Korea, as well as the specter of world terrorism, many may argue that the Japanese are using the KISS-Godzilla alliance as a necessary defense tool. It is to these claims that I charge that those who defend the Japanese on this endeavor, are nothing more than tools of hawkish politicians in Tokyo. In order to hammer home the immediacy of the problem, I wish to illustrate the possible repercussions of the successful implementation of this unholy alliance through predictions extrapolated from the past records of both KISS and Godzilla.

Godzilla is known throughout the world as a destructive menace created by the very same nuclear weapons that the Japanese hope to thwart with the monster. His past annihilation of Tokyo and the mass loss of life resulting from his frequent rampages are more frightening than any alleged weapon of mass destruction in Iraq, Iran, or North Korea. How the Japanese somehow harnessed this power is anyone's guess, but many scholars argue that the control is limited and is in fact partly due to the creature’s love of the rock band KISS. On the other hand, the musical group called by some as the "greatest band in the world", pose a nearly equal threat to the planet. KISS's music has been considered detrimental to young people by the greatest minds of the religious and conservative right, a group famous for being selflessly driven and thoroughly informed. Along with the effect on the youth, KISS also maintains a strong influence on older generations. One of the most jarring facts about the band is that it has historically maintained a standing army. The legendary "KISS army" has strict allegiance to the band and can be found in every trailer park and dank basement throughout the American Midwest. All of this coupled with Gene Simmon's notoriously long tongue, and the damage to our hardwood floors perpetrated by the band's famous platform shoes, make KISS just as dangerous as any nuclear weapon. Needless to say, a possible alliance of Godzilla and KISS would form a two pronged attack. Godzilla would destroy our greatest cities and paralyze our infrastructure, while KISS would corrupt our impressionable youth, unleash their army, and lower the resale value of our homes.

I would like to conclude with a final warning. The danger of KISS and Godzilla should not be ignored. Article 9 of the Japanese constitution is conveniently silent about using the KISS army, or Godzilla to promote war. I urge all of you to write to your congressman, senator, president, or prime minister, and relate to them you apprehension concerning Japanese policy. A world with Godzilla and KISS running unhindered could only result in absolute destruction as well as our children being forced to wear KISS paint. Don't wait until it’s too late. I have given you the tools to undermine this threat; it is now up to all of us to do the right thing. Our future and the future of our children are in our hands. We have a world to win.