The Gift of Head

The night is dark and dreary. As you try to find your way through the darkness, you feel a presence closely following you. The entity approaches you, his cape glimmering in the moonlight. Frightened, you attempt to escape from the individual, only to find yourself paralyzed by a hunger that could only be caused by the lack of regular meals. Prostrate, you look on in horror as the being approaches you. Your hunger is making you delirious and you began to shriek in horror at the potential doom that awaits you. It is at this moment that the being rips off a chunk of his head and forces it into your mouth. The initial shock of this unimaginable act begins to subside and is eventually replaced by a warm feeling of red bean and bread dancing on your taste buds. It is then that you realize that you have just accepted the assistance of Japanese super hero “Anpanman.”

If the story elaborated on above seems a little strange to you, then it is clear that you have not had the good fortune to receive help from such an amazing hero. Anpanman (literally “jam bread man”) is one of a number of Japanese characters created by Takashi Yanase who represent a stark contrast to the types of superheroes commonly known in the United States and Europe. While many western superheroes focus on specific powers to help mankind, Anpanman and his circle of assorted bread based friends fight for truth and justice by feeding people a part of their head. It is with this in mind that I feel it is my duty to introduce the world to these amazing heroes in order to blaze a trail for their eventual debut in the United States. While many may argue that bread-based characters are not the easiest piece of Japanese culture to successfully introduce to the wider world, I must remind that I firmly believe that it is possible. After all, I almost helped Mello Yellow topple Mountain Dew as the king of citrus-based American sodas, (my leaving for Russia the only thing denying the inevitable). This coupled with my early 90’s success in bringing back the word “dude” gives me the confidence needed to undertake this seemingly daunting task (Don’t question this fact, if I didn’t bring it back to the wider world, I definitely reintroduced it to Pennsylvania). It is with these past successes coupled with a firm resolve that I would like to introduce Anpanman to the world.

Before I begin, I feel that it is my duty to give Anpanman’s back story. Once upon a time there was a baker (named “Uncle Jam”) who chose to build a bakery in the middle of the woods where no one could find it. This poor business sense was coupled with a seemingly obsessive desire to create “living” bread. While baking a nice bit of red bean bread, a star crashed in through the chimney and created Anpanman (in Japan, stars crashing to earth give life, rather than taking it away). Anpanman eventually grew up learned how to fly (naturally) and then decided to feed people his head. Completely neglecting the fact that red bean might not be the best thing to feed people so hungry that they would be willing to eat the head of what appears to be a living creature; Anpanman flew around Japan looking for his first victim… I mean fortunate soul. He eventually found a dog being pelted by snowballs. The snowballs were being thrown by a germ that just happened to have what would later appear to be a vehement hatred of pastry. Anpanman saved the dog and eventually named him “Cheese.” After feeding him a part of his head; they flew back to the bakery so that the baker could make him a new head. Of course since no good deed goes undone, the bacteria decided to devote the rest of his life to the destruction of Anpanman using devastating attacks like water, mould, and ducks.

The rivalry between Anpanman and Baikinman (bacteria-man) caused the baker to unleash a host of different bread based creatures in order to even the score. Keep in mind that all of these characters pursue the same goal of “allowing” people to eat their heads. Due to the magic inherent in all of them, their consumed heads can easily be replaced by a new one courtesy of Uncle Jam. Below is a brief list of the most popular characters...

Shokupanman (my personal favorite, literally “white bread man) – This character is a narcissist who lives in Toaster Mountain (I’m not making this up). He is considered incredibly attractive (to germs and I’m guessing other bread?), and is Anpanman’s closest friend. He is the patron of school lunches, and while it is true that he can fly, he prefers to drive a bread truck to the different schools.
Currypanman (“curry bread man”) – This character is a hot headed (buh dum cha) hero who hangs out with Anpanman. He fights by shooting his curry at people.
Tendonman (“rice bowl man?”) – This character loves to sing. His head is a rice bowl (apparently the baker is also good at pottery) which has two edible pieces of shrimp sticking out. He apparently likes to drum on his head with the chopsticks that I assume people are supposed to eat his shrimp with.
Melonpanna (“melon bread girl”) – This character likes to drink sweet honey which consequently is the same liquid that makes up the liquid part of her ever so delicious noggin. Since she is female, her powers (predictably) deal with love or romance. Therefore, when she kisses people, they get woozy with affection.
Dokinchan – This female germ is attracted to Shokupanman (see above). She thinks she’s cute and can occasionally be moody. She’s Baikinman’s sidekick, but due to amorous affection for Shokupanman, she occasionally shows signs of kindness.

The four characters mentioned above are just the tip of the iceberg. Since the series (by series I mean daily life in Japan) is directed toward children and those with the mentality of children (unfortunately guilty) the creators have had to constantly create new characters. There have been over 1500 characters since Anpanman started. This is important because an enormous amount of characters is needed to keep the series fresh, which is only natural as a result of the fact that every episode revolves around the characters feeding their heads to people. Also, since the idea of quasi cannibalism is attractive to children of all ages, Anpanman’s television series remains the most popular children’s shows in Japan.

Finally, I would like to welcome Anpanman to the wider world. Although I think his mission to combat world hunger is honorable, I can’t help but question his methods. While it’s nice that he uses his head as a symbol of self sacrifice, wouldn’t it be more helpful for him to carry a large bag of bread to be distributed freely? In my mind it would be more beneficial than just giving token pieces to those lucky enough to see him flying overhead? Regardless, I have decided to take it on myself to bring Anpanman into the international spotlight. Therefore I would like everyone to watch the skies for flying bread. It’s possible that the dark shadow lurking in the corner is nothing more than jelly filled bread dying to feed you a part of his head. Who knows, with the fine example set by Anpanman, the future may be full of people just dying to give head to anyone who requires it. Let’s just hope that there’s no confusion, otherwise Anpanman might have the baker replace his head for a far darker and much more disturbing reason.