A Pariah's Paradise

It began before we were even conscious of it, the feelings of trepidation consuming our every waking moment. The discomfort only continued as we entered adolescence, the darkness entering every facet of our being, testing our sanity, and forcing us to withstand the black specter whose origins remained tantalizing beyond our comprehension. Luckily, the best of us were able to survive and grow into the seemingly normal individuals you see today; unfortunately the rest succumbed to the all encompassing power of the unseen force. By now, you must be already acutely aware of what I’m discussing, but at the risk of losing your interest, I’d like to share a story concerning my own awakening to the origin of the disease that plagues humanity and darkens even the purist of hearts.

It all began in my first year of high school; I had successfully subdued my own knowledge of the aforementioned virus, and had chosen the typical altruistic life of all post-pubescent boys. My daily routine was full of attempts (almost always unsuccessful) to help other high school girls who so sorely needed the attention that only I could offer. It was during one of these outings, that I first encountered the sum of all my fears. I had just been rebuffed by one particularly ungrateful girl, and in a funk, I decided to seek solitude in the dark corners of the school. As I approached my potential sanctuary, I heard words in a language that was unfamiliar to me. I stealthily approached where they were sitting and was surprised to see a group of students that had been commonly ridiculed by many of the upper classman. I decided to ascertain the nature of their social exclusion. In one corner of the room two men were attacking each other with what appeared to be a bow staff and a kitana sword. Another group of students (the ones speaking the strange language) were huddled over brightly illustrated comics, some were watching movies, and finally a few were listening to some of the worst music to ever touch my virgin ears. The horrible spectacle I witnessed, finally confirmed the sad truth that haunts us all. There is a culture of Japanophilia, and I had just experienced one of their black masses.

It was at that moment that I became one of the enlightened. Finally free of the blinders, I naively attempted to save those who had fallen victim to such a curse. I first attempted to contact their friends. After learning that Japanophiles rarely have friends, I decided to alert their families. Unfortunately, their families saw the activities to be nothing more than harmless hobbies. My rejection forced me to begin to share my revelation so that others could excuse themselves from the horrible spectacle that I had been forced to witness. I began to approach complete strangers, and tell them what I had seen. I warned everyone to hide their children and lock their doors, at risk of hearing a ridiculous story about the beauty inherent in “manga” comics, or that Japanese food was nothing short of orgasmic. Unfortunately, as with all who accept myth, no amount of reason could sway them from their pre-conceived notion concerning the ordinariness of such tediously frivolous creatures. I comforted myself with the fact that those lost souls remained on the fringe of society, and therefore they would have to remain in hiding. I took pride in the fact that their lame interests and even worse personalities would never be able to appear in public, due to the risk of facing a public scrutiny that would almost definitely ruin their already low self-esteem. It was at the zenith of this optimism that I made the fateful decision to move to Japan.

I left for Japan full of hope. Japanophilia was on the rise, and my oft-repeated lamentations continually fell on deaf ears. My decision to leave the United States was based on the assumption that if I went to Japan, I would see the Japanese view of their culture and be spared the insufferable torture that accompanies western views of Japanese society. While many Japanese allotted their particular cultural aspects to the back burner of their psyche in search of more constructive pursuits, I found one group residents with far more sinister intentions. It was in Japan that I found the very same exiles expressing their morbid interests in the open, and in greater numbers. Unable to understand how a seemingly reasonable nation could allow these people to commit their sins in the open, I decided to investigate. As a result, I uncovered an even more disturbing truth. Japanese people actually like these examples of concentrated embarrassment! Those who had been so reviled into their homelands, were now treated as divine due nothing more than a passing resemblance to those who appear in the movies or on TV. Naturally these exiles were fully aware of their celebrated status, and as a result they have convinced themselves that they are sexually desirable (by dating native girls who think they have money) and cool (by having other ex-pat friends who only hang out with them due to the natural comradely that comes from living in a foreign land, regardless of personality). These delusions cause many to live in Japan for the rest of their lives. Polluting the countryside with their stale personalities, they continue to destroy the relatively normal aspects of a majority of westerners, while at the same time convincing the Japanese population that their narrow interests are common to all from the west.

It is with this in mind that I write in the twilight of my independence. I can feel my rational mind being subdued by the comfort and monotony of Japanese life. I continually catch myself wondering what another year would be like, and how it might be fun to know Japanese. Therefore, I would like to make one final impassioned call for those of you who are beginning to forget that Japanese culture is neither amazing nor special. First, Manga and Anime aren’t that great. The animation was creative when it was new, but now it’s just tired and redundant. Also, I have a hard time believing the claim that the stories are brilliant modern tales full of depth. In my opinion, if they can be read in a span of thirty minutes at a convenience store, or viewed and understood by you and your minimal comprehension of the Japanese language, they aren't that good. Also, please stop going to martial arts classes. Isn’t their something pathetically cliché about taking martial arts courses in Asia? Don’t say it for self defense, because Japan is one of the safest countries on earth, and don’t say it’s for exercise, when it would be easier to just run. Simply put, you are a goofball for taking these classes, and you should be pummeled with the black belt that your Japanese instructor will inevitably confer on you based more on novelty than skill. Finally Japanese food is not that good. You are fooling yourself. Most of us did not grow up with this kind of stuff, and at best most of it is just “edible.” I often hear someone gush over a cold piece of fish, or rice wrapped in seaweed. What!?! It may be good and you may like it, but I refuse to believe that it’s the best thing you’ve ever eaten. Next time you are about to praise the exceptional quality of mundane Japanese dishes, just ask yourself one question. What would you do if you saw a foreigner ranting and raving about the absolute bliss encapsulated in a cold turkey sandwich?

Finally, I must urge everyone to make haste in leaving Japan. The Japanaphiliacs have a strong grip over the country, and unfortunately those who see Japan as anything less than the culmination of perfection will continually find themselves questioned. It is this truth that reveals the utter despair Japan has fallen into. The very same people who were shunned in their native lands now have the power to ignore people who only want to talk about something other than “The Ring.” Meanwhile Japanese people view westerners as kind, but confused people who only want to learn Japanese in order to read their serial comics. In conclusion I bemoan the fate of a country with such a rich and diverse history being taken over by people who feel debate is required when considering the merits of the kitana sword as opposed to the nun-chuck. I can only hope that someday this evil force will be defeated. Perhaps with a bo staff...