Tales From Home Pt. 2: The "Jesse Moonsault"

Due to a relatively boring week in Japan, I have decided to revisit my home town and reveal yet another story about my life growing up in rural Pennsylvania. Before I start though, I would like to give an update based on my last entry. It appears that my love of Cage is not an isolated phenomenon. The movie channel that I watch in Japan, Movies Plus, has what appears to be a "Cage month" marathon of movies from different points in Cage's career going on throughout October. This might be a frightening but gratifying coincidence, or the Japanese and I finally have something in common. I will keep you all informed about how the Cage marathon transpires.

My time in Pennsylvania gave me a ton of stories to muse over as my life continued away from home. In the first part of this series, I discussed Moulin and his brownie, while only briefly commenting on the other friend Jesse. Like I previously mentioned, Jesse loved to eat peas, and only spoke in broken "Simpsons" quotes. He also styled himself as an "athlete", since he played baseball, and therefore he worked out frequently and refused any clothing above the waist. It was with this implied athletic ability that the stage was set for one of the most embarrassing moments in his life, the "Jesse Moonsault."

While Jesse insists that the story that I'm about to tell happened differently, the version that I will relate has been corroborated by my friend Ric, another witness to the forthcoming event. It all happened on a bright sunny day at Jesse's house. My friend Ric and I had been discussing how we could help solve world hunger. Jesse as if to spite us, had just consumed a massive amount of peas, in the hope of discouraging our noble venture. The three of us decided that a nice way to ease the tension and beat the summer heat would be by taking a dip in Jesse's pool. Jesse thought that this would be "excellent" (in a Mr. Burns voice) and so we all proceeded to prepare ourselves for a refreshing swim. Naturally, Jesse wasn't wearing a shirt and therefore he only had to change shorts. He beat us outside and started doing pull-ups to show us how strong he was. We politely complimented him and then hopped into the pool. The water was chilly, but refreshing and we were adequately relaxed in no time. After a few minutes Ric and I decided to do summersaults and moonsaults (backwards summersaults) into the pool. Jesse, his vanity reaching untold of proportions was doing push-ups over a bottle of sun tan lotion. Through our fun we could hear him reaching exaggerated numbers, "977, 978, 979." We sighed and asked him if there was anything we could do for him. We even offered to pay for the use of the pool. Jesse sneered, and said he would not take money from such weaklings. Instead, he offered an athletic competition. Ric, showing all humility said, "But Jesse, you are very strong and there is no way we could ever beat you." Jesse let out a large laugh, and said, "I saw you doing those backwards summersaults! You pansies could only do one flip; I bet I could do four before ever hitting the water!" We looked at our feet, and I said, "Jesse, It’s really hard to do. You have never done it before. Please we don't want you to get hurt, don't try it!" He only looked at me and put on his athletic gear, which in this case apparently consisted of a cowboy hat and a suede jacket (as can be proven by the authentic photograph above). He turned around and looked us and said, "This is so easy, of course I can do it. Gosh! You are such a bunch of wusses!" At this moment he lunged himself backwards, and far from doing even one flip, he fell backward with a force not seen in the Kennerdell region in years. Ric and I, concerned for Jesse's welfare, jumped in the water to help him. We pulled him back onto the porch, and he regained consciousness. Jesse then stood up, and had a surprisingly triumphant look on his face. "Hahahah, I fooled you guys! Did you see that awesome reverse belly flop I did?" Confused, Ric and I stared at him and meekly said, "Jesse, you said you could do a moonsault, but you didn't make it, we were concerned." Jesse looked at us and with anger in his eyes said, "If you tell anyone what happened this day I will squash you two like bugs. From now on, we will all say that I was really hesitant about doing it, and that you guys laughed at me when I failed." He continued by saying, "also, according to my story I am always nice, I don't eat as many peas as you say, and I let you over here because I enjoy your company and not because my mother makes delicious brownies!" We agreed, and since then, the true story has been overshadowed by Jesse's lie.

I felt that now was the time to express what really happened. Now that I live in Japan, far from Jesse's wrath, I can now tell the truth about what happened. I also do this because I'm concerned for Jesse's fiancée. She is a very nice girl, and if she knew the truth about him, it’s possible she would have never given him a chance. I hope that this story opens up others who are victims of Jesse's threats, and allows a culture of honesty to prevail. Only through time, can events like the "Jesse Moonsault" and other wrongs be remedied. The "Jesse Moonsault", is just the beginning. Former and current Jesse friends, you have a world to win. You have nothing to lose but your shame; Jesse's friends throughout the world unite!