A Different Perspective

This is the first of a number of blogs that will be written by "guest contributors." This first article was written by Patrick Cherniburg (see my blog entitled "A New Format"). Enjoy!

When I first arrived in the twenty-first century I was surprised to see a number of things that would never have been possible in my time. This new world of computers, automobiles, and the female orgasm, made me realize how far our society has come. Naturally, I have had some difficulties in adapting. For example, in your modern world you have a thing called "political correctness." While I'm slowly beginning to understand this notion, I can't help but wonder at your motivation for such a puzzling and altogether unnecessary idea. After all, in my time we called black people "Negros," not because we hated them, (we displayed that through both physical and psychological means), but because that was their name. This same incomprehensible ideal plays its self out through your renaming of many important sub-sets of your society, mainly the mentally retarded (brain challenged), the elderly (walking dead), the handicapped (freaks),and Texans (human waste). If it wasn't for the help of 19 year old Jason Lewis, I would have never learned these important colloquial terms. In spite of his help, I still often find myself creating problems for myself. Never was this fact more evident than the the time I decided to refer to a couple of sodomites with their preferred moniker "butt pirate" rather than the old and (according to Jason) antiquated term "homosexual." Despite my inevitable missteps, I am determined to find a way of conforming to the rigors of modern society, and alter my perceptions for today's world. This of course leads me to the major news at the moment, the 2008 Presidential Election. Now, before I begin I would like to make it clear that I have always voted Republican. My father had been an abolitionist and a strict Christian. His strong moral beliefs made me realize that black people should not be enslaved (despite displaying the mark of Ham, and therefore in no way equal). Naturally, you can imagine my surprise when I noticed a black man running for President of the United States. My initial horror, slowly dissipated when I convinced myself that a different world required different methods for understanding it. Therefore I adjusted my internal compass and looked at the benefits of having a black president.

The first major benefit would be his work ethic. In my day, I often saw many black men working, for very little money, sometimes none at all. This amazing ability would prove well in the high profile office of the presidency. Of course it has been proven that black people are prone to laziness, but I assume that the majority white congress would be able to ensure that he kept on task. Second, black people love to sing. His sweet voice would echo through the halls of the White House, lifting the spirits of all who heard him. Another feature would be his desire to please. In my time, I only had contact with a handful of black people due to the fact that I was rich and from the north. In any event, I heard of their desire to make their benefactors happy. This will play well with voters, as they will see an eager and energetic president. The final positive aspect of a black president will be his desire to eat only domestic foods. I read through your history books how the office of the president has descended into decadence and waste. On the other hand, a black president's affection for chicken and watermelon, would help domestic agriculture, while lessening the nation's dependence on foreign imports like caviar and escargot.

After coming to these conclusions, I couldn't help but pat myself on the back. After all, I had proven that even I could embrace a black president, despite his shortcomings. In any event, this had proven easy because despite it all, he was still a man. When I approached the other democratic candidate, I had to give myself a couple of minutes. After finally regrouping, I decided to continue with my psychological improvement and discover the advantages to having a woman president.

A woman president is a difficult thing to wrap one's mind around. After all, if she is leading the country, who is doing the laundry and preparing dinner? This conundrum puzzled me for no less than two days before I finally realized that there would be female housekeepers devoted this very task. After this initial hurdle, I found myself quick to embrace the idea of a woman president. In the home, they are the rock. Historically, they are barefoot, pregnant, or both, which will keep the population up, and the demand for woman's footwear down. They also tend to keep things tidy and clean, while making their husband feel confident that he is making wise choices. This analogy can be understood both metaphorically and literally. Her feminine instincts will lead our country to safe and secure options, while at the same time, keeping the presidential mansion in tip top shape for the inevitable guests who come to visit. A woman president's motherly intuition will help her rear our countries youth toward more constructive pursuits. Naturally, their are those monthly occurrences of what we used to call "female hysteria" that may cause her to occasionally trip up. This problem is easily solved by the fact that she is married to a former president who will undoubtedly step in during these frequent occurrences of incapacity.

After coming to these conclusions, I took solace in the fact that the world has not devolved as much as I initially thought. Your conceptions have just been altered to the point where certain minorities can attain higher profile jobs, while still being subject to the same age old beliefs. It is with this in mind that I would like to announce both my tacit support for both the woman and her black friend. After all, the possibility of a Mormon, an adulterer, a Baptist preacher, a man with physical deformities, or a southerner, prove that their are much worse alternatives than a (seemingly) normal white woman or black man as president.

--Patrick Cherniburg