Attack of the "GAY" Bomb!!!

During my time in Japan, I have been repeatedly subjected to the uncomfortable truths surrounding the conclusion of the Second World War. The atomic bombing of both Hiroshima and Nagasaki left an indelible mark on the nation and its people, and the threat of future bombings forced the world into a state of sustained fear. Fortunately, the end of the Cold War caused this anxiety to subside, and many hailed the 1990's as the final conclusion of the animosity that had characterized a majority of the twentieth century. Faced with a near international distaste for bombs capable of global annihilation, the American military decided to focus on non-lethal options. It was the pursuit of this policy that lead them to search for a logical and completely rational alternative. It was with this in mind, that Pentagon officials requested over 7 million dollars in order to research and develop....a "Gay" bomb. Once completed, this ultimate weapon would be capable of not only "turning" people gay, but it would also have the power to force them to be so attracted to other members of the same sex, that they would be unable to resist having sex with each other. Now before everyone criticizes what appears appears to be an ignorant and altogether stupid idea, I would like to warn you that the motivation should not be the most frightening aspect of this revelation. During my research, I was fortunate enough to find the reason why the bomb's funding was denied. Of course, this is nothing short of a journalist coup on my part! The following is a condensed version of what many felt could be the possible repercussions of a successful bomb attack. Therefore, I would like to reveal the potential results this brash implementation of arbitrary power could unleash upon the world.

Imagine an alternate reality. The American military has decided to move into Iraq in the name of its "War on Terror." Within weeks, the "gAy" bomb is authorized for use and a date for deployment is set. Early one morning, there is a bright flash, followed by a dull roar that quickly grew louder. The "gAy" Bomb, which had been designed only a few years before, has gone off, and the fall-out spreads over the Iraqi landscape. The Iraqi soldiers are hit with a rush of rainbow colored dust, which cause them to drop their weapons so that they can have sex with the nearest same-sex soldier. The effect is only to natural. After all, it is a common knowledge that homosexuals are incapable of resisting their sexual urges. Anyway, now that the entire Iraqi population has been turned gay, they are only interested in sex and not in fighting. The Iraqi nation quickly capitulates, but nobody signs an official peace treaty (once again due to their incapacity to due anything but gay sex). The world celebrates the end of the conflict, and continually pats itself on the back due to the completion of the first non-lethal war. The United States, emboldened by its success, plans numerous "gAy" bomb strikes on other trouble (in the eyes of the United States) spots. North Korea, Iran, Sudan, Syria, Belarus, and Venezuela all are hit with the "gAy" bomb. The population of these countries, now thoroughly gay and strictly devoted to the pursuit of homosexual sex, began to enter economic recession. Their national businesses are eagerly absorbed by foreign companies and less people are able to afford the necessary materials for redecorating their homes. The citizens of the affected countries grow anxious, and begin rudimentary bomb making. Fearing reprisal attacks, the United States institutes a non-proliferation act. The most powerful countries in the world eagerly design their own "gAy" bombs. As a result, new and more powerful bombs are made. Future models are so good at exploiting stereotypes, that they are even capable of blowing leather "hot pants" onto their victims. With the homosexual populations dwindling (naturally due to the lack of reproductive sex) and their economies in shambles, the gay nations unite in a "rainbow" coalition to increase their numbers in the only way they know how, the "gAy" bomb. All of these events set the state for a global conflagration of biblical proportions.

The above paragraph is only the tip of the iceberg. The unknown numbers of "natural" homosexuals (those not "turned" by the bomb) would be persecuted in their home countries. Even those devoutly loyal to their native land, would be suspect. This of course would be similar to events in the homosexual countries. Naturally both homosexuals and heterosexuals would fracture into splinter organizations. Some parties would be vehemently opposed to detente, while others would support coexistence. Unfortunately, the peace could not last. Out of fear of subversive influences, both sides would be forced to take extremely Draconian measures. Heterosexuals would be driven to create the "Gay Police," a governmental organization devoted to the exposure of homosexuals in the most mundane of places. They would also be forced to keep tabs on their gay population by designing homosexual tracking devices and predictably calling them "Gaydars." In turn, Homosexuals would scour the street for fashionably reckless men, detaining them for wearing last year's collections, or worse, buying things off the rack. This strict polarization would retard the progress of mankind, and undoubtedly force humanity into a second "Dark Ages."

In conclusion, the paragraphs above elaborated on a potential scenario, utilizing all of the stereotypes and closed thinking at the disposal of those in the Pentagon. Fortunately, we will never be subjected to this kind of reality. As you may have already guessed, the funding was denied, and instead rerouted to different highly dubious ideas. Therefore, we don't have to fear a global homosexual force, whose only desires would be getting married, having families, and becoming productive parts of society. The dread stimulated by this potentiality, subsides when I think of the real world. A planet of conflicting religious faith, economic patterns, and forms of government. A world where different ideas about life can guarantee your death, or at the very least your ostracization. It is in this existence that I know that homosexuality is only one of many things that can stimulate the ire of a fraction of the population. It is as part of this reality that I can sleep at night.

(P.S. If you wish to read the article that inspired this blog, here is the link. http://cbs5.com/topstories/local_story_159222541.html I promise you, its far more ridiculous than my article. Also if you have time, watch the movie. It's hilarious.)