Christianity's Savior

Since the beginning of its existence, Christianity has been about promoting itself. Whether it was through second century asceticism, twelfth century violence, or nineteenth century evangelism, the religion has always been keen to utilize new ways to gain converts. Despite this, the Judeo-Christian faith has never been good at creating its own methods for appealing to non-believers. As a result, Christianity began to borrow already established foods, practices, stories, and history, in the hopes of "Christianizing" them so that the religion would be more appealing. Even the central Christian tenets of one God (Zoroastrianism), the virgin birth (Mithraism, and the God "Mithras" born coincidentally on December 25th, as well as "Hercules" in Greek myth), and the execution/rising from the dead (Osiris in Egyptian myth and others) were borrowed from "pagan" religions. Despite this, Christian approaches toward these features was far from symbiotic and in fact, quite parasitic. Almost every approach at Christianizing something that was already popular with a majority of people has resulted in not only failure, but it has also lessened its appeal in the eyes of its former adherents. Fortunately for Christians, there is a glimmer of hope. One object has been repeatedly subjected to its negative influence and always comes out the same if not stronger. Its resilience has been hoisted as a beacon for non-believers, and Christians constantly cite it as a reason to enter their hallowed halls. Of course, I'm referring to the mainstay of the Christian attempts at "secular" parties, pizza.

Objectively, its hard to criticize Christians for attempting to make their religion more appealing, especially in recent years. The prevalence of attractions that stimulate the baser aspects of our nature have always held sway over the abstract and metaphysical sides. Early Christianity reacted to this by appealing to our sense of awe at seemingly selfless sacrifices. Thus martyrdom and asceticism were promoted at symbols of the Christian faith. Unfortunately since everyone was dying due to isolated starvation and (very, very infrequently) state sponsored execution, this was eventually phased out. Another symbol of Christian zeal was the practice of lifelong abstinence. Once again, this policy was not productive because this left many Christians without offspring and since it was far easier to manipulate the young mind of a child rather than convert an adult, this policy was relegated to the clergy. Next came the era of Christian domination of politics during the Middle Ages. Thus ignorance and fear of state repression proved a powerful tool toward the guarantee of public submission. This united "Christendom" would continue until the Protestant Reformation and the age of enlightenment or "Renaissance."

Martin Luther and the Protestant Reformation would open up a whole new era of the Christian attempts to co-opt interesting and fun things and reign them in for the benefit of the faith. With the liberalization of politics and the decreased role of the church, it was no longer reasonable to just promote humanity's fear, guilt, or uncertainty. Thus began the initial era of appealing to the secular desires of potential converts. The first instance of this phenomena can be attributed to Deism. This faith, allegedly adhered to by some of the great minds of the 18th century, allowed people to have original ideas while at the same time still believing in God. Of course, religion by its very nature discourages innovation and this movement eventually died out. The following century saw a rise in pre-enlightenment religious ideals most obviously displayed by the "Great Awakening" in the United States and culminating in the the conservative atmosphere of the Victorian Era. Fortunately, this was also a time of mass industrialization and social awakening. This progress resulted in a prevalence of left wing politics that put an emphasis on science and reason, and thus posed the biggest threat towards the continued prominence of organized religion. This crisis set the stage for the elevation of pizza to its future prominence. With this on the horizon, mankind entered the twentieth century.

The twentieth century has been one of extremes. The influx of ideology and science has relegated religion to a purely personal decision, much to the chagrin of many Christians. This has had a negative effect on Christianity due to its essential need to spread its message. As a result, Christianity has embraced many secular activities in order to increase their numbers. Attend any church event and you will see basically the same thing. People drinking punch and eating chips. People laughing at terrible jokes while "rocking out" to the latest Christian band. Sports (almost always basketball or volleyball) will inevitably be played, all under the watchful supervision of a young person (commonly called a "Youth Leader") in their late twenties/early thirties whose sole purpose is to put an "inspirational" spin on all the goings on. The whole event is surreal and everyone can feel the alternate intentions hanging in the air like a thick soup. Every possible situation is seen as a way to introduce some sermon or message, and by the end of the night (and after the requisite invitation to "let Jesus into your heart" a.k.a. conversion), the entire procedure ends with the the believers thoroughly self-satisfied and the participants exasperated or annoyed.

Of course, what keeps bringing people back? It can be summed up in one word, pizza. The universal appeal of pizza is inexplicable, and the fact that it could be easily acquired without the religious propaganda makes the Christian success a miracle. Also, any time you hear about a Christian Basketball tournament, that Christians like surfing, or that Christians will have a "camping trip" you immediately think about how lame those events will be, as well as how those activities lose what made them originally appealing because of the fact that Christians do them. Despite this, the words "Free Pizza" cause everyone to keep coming back, and even with the threat of Christian Rock (the most unpalatable medium in the history of mankind) people still feel that it is worth it, primarily because there will be pizza.

Finally, I would like to urge people to buy pizza. I know how appealing free food is, but its just not worth it. The constant sermonizing from the not so subtle "Youth leaders" make it worse than the hell they are trying to save you from. Therefore I would like to urge you to stay away from the "altruism" of the church. Of course this not to say that you should not be a Christian. If you want to convert, that is your concern and it should be done in a meaningful setting on your own terms. Not in a pizza infested punch splashed wasteland where the symbol of your intent is by huddling with the other participants, closing your eyes, looking down, and raising your hand when the "Youth Leader" requests it. The whole matter is an exercise in youth manipulation and therefore cheapens the whole affair by making the decision to become Christian less than voluntary. Of course, perhaps that's what the Christian religion has been about all along. In that case, pizza's continued vigor will continue to blind people to the faith's all to obvious deficiencies. One delicious bite at a time.