Fashion Senseless

Today I was faced with a dilemma. I had written a blog two straight weeks, and felt that I should keep the streak going by writing an article this week. Unfortunately, there was this nagging desire to waste my time by indulging in frequent visits to Wikipedia as well as occasional trips to the trusty Gamecube. Faced with this problem, I decided to take the easy way out and reuse an article I had written for a Shimane (the name of the prefecture that I'm currently living in) wide newsletter edited in part by my lovely girlfriend Leslie. This month the newsletter's theme was fashion. Now, this is maybe the worst topic in the world for me, due to my oft quoted belief that fashion isn't an interesting or worthy topic. In fact, this opinion is so widely known that it created a little bit of a scandal while I was attending university when a professor I knew thought my occasional rantings concerning fashion were directly aimed at her and her field of study. I survived this escapade by pretending to see fashion's place in the sphere of human achievement. Despite this history, Leslie was in a tough spot, and my infinite amount of compassion caused me to write the article below. While by no means brilliant, I feel that adequately fulfills the job of keeping my recent writing routine intact. Unfortunately, some of the attempted humor might be lost on those who have not spent significant time in Japan. To try to alleviate this problem, I would just like to mention one brief cultural difference concerning the state of gender equality in Japan. There really isn't any. As a result, Japanese men are always looking for new and interesting ways to belittle women. They do so by manufacturing innovative methods for looking up girl's skirts, "falling" into them, etc. This fact causes me to believe that a lot of Japanese fashion is the product of men influencing certain designers to produce only the the most provocative articles for the mass market. This fact is one the underlying influences behind entry #2 & #4. So, with that in mind, enjoy the rest of the article!

When I was approached to write an article about fashion, I was astounded at my own good fortune. After all, its not everyday that you are given the opportunity to write about a subject that doesn't interest you. Despite this, the siren call of the number one amateur/ex-pat/non-profit newsletter in Shimane was too strong to resist. I choked down my conscious and committed my soul to further decay by writing about a topic so trivial and unimportant that only the world of celebrity gossip can even venture to challenge it. Therefore, and without further ado, I ordain on the world my article about fashion.

The previous paragraph makes it clear about my opinions about general fashion. Despite this, I don't wish for this article to be a customary polemic on this broad topic. Instead, I hope to highlight the most glaringly unnecessary additions to an already bloated industry. Therefore, I will take a short trip through history and attempt to underscore what I believe to be the top five most unnecessary articles of clothing in Western fashion.

5. Leather Pants- Never in history has something been both so culturally irrelevant as well as practically unnecessary. While leather jackets can justifiably said to look cool due to its obvious connections to counter-culture movements or seditious ideals, its tough to justify the necessity of leather pants. Even today, far from seeing them as a symbol of opposition, the viewing of someone who is wearing leather pants is almost guaranteed to generate feelings of revulsion or at best, laughter. This view is further enforced by the frequently discussed images of David Hasselhoff wearing leather pants while splashing Germans with unique music during the fall of the Berlin Wall. It seems that even during this emotional event, leather pants stood not for radical reform, but instead as a monument toward the uncomfortable effects of chafing.

4. Panty Hoes- I've never understood this article of clothing, mostly due to the fact that I'm never required to wear them. Despite this, I have heard from informed sources that these seem to be one of the most impractical features of a woman's attire. Apart from being purely cosmetic, I do find it humorous that the most popular color is "flesh tone." That, coupled with their ability to "run" within minutes, in effect making them immediately useless causes one to question the whole enterprise. Despite this, I find its name to be the most offensive aspect of this particular piece of attire. Never a fan of the word "panty", I am also faced with the sexist themes presented by the word "hoes." Perhaps, with each pair you purchase, you further buy into the attempted subjugation of your gender. Or maybe you feel that the highlighting of certain parts of your body that men find sexually desirable is the result of your own pursuits. In any event, as a man, your decision to emphasize those aspects won't be met with any opposition from me. After all, its your soul.

3. Vest- This might be one of the dumbest looking articles of clothes in human history. Apart from the fact that it is nothing more than a glorified tank top, the idea that the vest should continue as a necessary part of human attire is beyond my understanding. Devoid of any ability to contain warmth, it remains as nothing more than an afterthought. For example, if someone attempted to sell you a shirt with no sleeves, a strap with a buckle on the back, a v-neck, and fit just above the waist, would you buy it? I should think not. Unfortunately, your desire to suck down the efforts of any half witted fashion designer has caused the vest to come back, now in insulated form. While this reason is weak due to the fact that a majority of you can't get past the brand name that you so gladly grab your ankles for, it does fill me with hope. After all, if you are wearing a vest because you are a conforming sell out, and not because you are an idiot who believes that it is more important to keep the warmest part of your bodies covered, while ignoring the extremities, I can at least sleep at night.

2. Short Skirt-This choice causes a moral dilemma. As a rational being, I can see nothing practical in thigh high skirts. On the other hand, as a sexual being, its quite hard for me to ignore this obvious play towards my sensibilities. You have all seen it, girls desperately trying to discover a way to keep themselves covered while at the same time wearing a skirt that just doesn't contain enough fabric to facilitate it. This coupled with the creepy men who will mill around at the bottom of stair cases or leer from a far, makes these clothing decisions questionable to any girl pursuing any degree of modesty in their lives. Still, the demands of society force women to be objectified, and who are we to oppose the wise minds at "Cosmo" or "Vanity Fair." On the other hand, testosterone is a powerful hormone. So, in conclusion I welcome the short skirt. Its practicality as a clothing option is beyond debate. I mean its shorter, which necessary means that on hot days, it keeps you cooler! That's good! I hope to see everyone who took my advice at the nearest staircase. I'll be waiting at the bottom.

1. Necktie- This one is an obvious inclusion, and to leave it out would have been a crime. Never in history has something be so important to a man's attire while being simultaneously so unnecessary. The necktie remains the the one item that forces men's clothing out from the realm of just 'semi-formal" to the promised land of "formal." Many companies and business require the necktie, while being more relaxed on the color and make of the rest of the outfit. The belief that a simple strip of silk increases the overall appearance of men is questionable, but it seems that society has been rather successful in promoting this opinion. While the stupidity of this idea is debatable, there is a far more sinister force promoting the necktie. I shudder to say it, but for the sake of society I will. The neck tie threat is none other than pop-punk inspired pre-teen girls. Using Avril Lavigne as their un-talented and irritating overlord, they roam the countryside looking for ties to loosely hang over their T-shirt/tank tops. Looking every bit as dumb as they undoubtedly are, these dark ones will only be happy when we have been subjugated to their high pitched immaturity. If we are to survive this onslaught, we must oppose these night walkers by removing the tie from prominence. Only then can we enter a new golden age where people are free to attend business situations or pop-concerts without the silk threat stalking us, threatening to strangle all of our hopes and dreams.