The End is Near: Japan's New Attempt at Global Domination

A few months ago, I visited the city of Osaka to interview for a job within the country of Japan. While walking through the metro system, I noticed a picture of the band KISS, with the slogan "We Need KISS." I found this statement to be a universal truth and decided to write about it in a blog titled "A Day in Osaka." Since my enlightenment, I had grown to appreciate the wise beliefs of the Japanese, with no indication of the sinister undertones which lay dormant underneath the surface of an apparently genuine love of KISS. Unfortunately, my naivety had caused me to overlook the truth behind Japan's call for a KISS inspired society. As a result of my new found knowledge, I will devote this blog to the exposure of Japan's militant plans, as well as warning against the possible negative effects unleashed on the world if the Japanese plan is allowed to commence unhindered.

Two days ago, while visiting Osaka in order to finalize my plans for a job in Japan, I was walking through the very same tunnel that I had seen the original KISS poster. Hoping to gain inspiration from seeing the picture again, I eagerly awaited the moment when it would be in front of me. My shock and horror at seeing the updated photo is hard to express in words. The inspirational phrase that I believed had been meant for the entire human race was replaced with the words, "We Need Kiss Japan!" While this statement could be possibly ignored as nationalist propaganda, it was the picture in the right corner that caused a horrible feeling of foreboding to engulf my soul. The image I am referring to is none other than Godzilla. I recoiled in shock upon realizing what the poster implied. The danger to world security that a successful collaboration between Godzilla and KISS pose is incalculable, especially if it is the service of one nation. I understand that in times like these, with the nuclear threat posed by North Korea, as well as the specter of world terrorism, many may argue that the Japanese are using the KISS-Godzilla alliance as a necessary defense tool. It is to these claims that I charge that those who defend the Japanese on this endeavor, are nothing more than tools of hawkish politicians in Tokyo. In order to hammer home the immediacy of the problem, I wish to illustrate the possible repercussions of the successful implementation of this unholy alliance through predictions extrapolated from the past records of both KISS and Godzilla.

Godzilla is known throughout the world as a destructive menace created by the very same nuclear weapons that the Japanese hope to thwart with the monster. His past annihilation of Tokyo and the mass loss of life resulting from his frequent rampages are more frightening than any alleged weapon of mass destruction in Iraq, Iran, or North Korea. How the Japanese somehow harnessed this power is anyone's guess, but many scholars argue that the control is limited and is in fact partly due to the creature’s love of the rock band KISS. On the other hand, the musical group called by some as the "greatest band in the world", pose a nearly equal threat to the planet. KISS's music has been considered detrimental to young people by the greatest minds of the religious and conservative right, a group famous for being selflessly driven and thoroughly informed. Along with the effect on the youth, KISS also maintains a strong influence on older generations. One of the most jarring facts about the band is that it has historically maintained a standing army. The legendary "KISS army" has strict allegiance to the band and can be found in every trailer park and dank basement throughout the American Midwest. All of this coupled with Gene Simmon's notoriously long tongue, and the damage to our hardwood floors perpetrated by the band's famous platform shoes, make KISS just as dangerous as any nuclear weapon. Needless to say, a possible alliance of Godzilla and KISS would form a two pronged attack. Godzilla would destroy our greatest cities and paralyze our infrastructure, while KISS would corrupt our impressionable youth, unleash their army, and lower the resale value of our homes.

I would like to conclude with a final warning. The danger of KISS and Godzilla should not be ignored. Article 9 of the Japanese constitution is conveniently silent about using the KISS army, or Godzilla to promote war. I urge all of you to write to your congressman, senator, president, or prime minister, and relate to them you apprehension concerning Japanese policy. A world with Godzilla and KISS running unhindered could only result in absolute destruction as well as our children being forced to wear KISS paint. Don't wait until it’s too late. I have given you the tools to undermine this threat; it is now up to all of us to do the right thing. Our future and the future of our children are in our hands. We have a world to win.