Suicide Notes

I decided to write the following article for a number of reasons. The major reason is a desire to remain the driving force behind this forum, and as a result I feel that it is necessary to make occasional contributions. My second reason is a genuine desire to put on paper the latest product of my wondering mind. It is with this in mind that I present the latest piece of wisdom to be regurgitated by the chaos that is my conscious.

A few days ago, I had a particularly depressing day. I don't have a good excuse to explain why I felt the way that I did, but I know that by the end of the day I had descended into a type of melancholy that had me thinking about my life, my prospects, and to put it bluntly, suicide. Now before all of you jump to save me from the edge of this precipice, I assure you I had no intention of actually committing the act. While it's true that I stood in awe of its ability to due away with my petty problems, I shied away from actually committing the mortal sin because of the ambitions which would undoubtedly have been left unaccomplished following a successful suicide attempt. Despite the decision against actually committing suicide, I still continued to consider the nature of the act itself. Now I know that many of us at one time or another have considered life after our own deaths. How will our family act? Will there be a lot of people at my funeral? Will anyone even care? While these may be important personal questions, they have little relevance towards my general aim at the moment. Of course all of this leads us to a very important philosophical question. What leads people to actually make the choice to commit suicide? The following are the conclusions I made concerning this subject during a particularly boring commute from work on the Moscow metro.

In order to understand why one would desire to end their lives, its important to find out why anyone would want to live it. It is with this in mind that we must delve into the most famous (and cliche) question in human history, the meaning of life. Everyone on earth has different interpretations concerning the answer to this question, but its clear that every person uses their own specific beliefs as a blueprint for their day to day lives. While these beliefs may be unique to each individual, it goes without saying that most of them can be similarly categorized through careful observation. Through these means, the generalized meaning of life reveals itself to be the result of either religious, traditional, or cultural obligations. As previously alluded to, everyone has specific details and combinations from these categories which makes their "meaning" unique, and therefore personalized. Despite this, the fact of the matter is that all "meaning" is derived from or as reaction to these three principals. The decay of the human spirit as well as the road toward suicide comes as a result of a failure to live up to the preconceived notions or goals based on one or a number of these ideals that were set forth at some particular time in a person's life. Most of these problems begin in a similar fashion. Something that starts as a seemingly innocuous event in our lives develops into a compounding problem that quickly spirals downward. At the same time, the inability to rationalize the failure of the very thing we believed our life stood for causes a massive mental crash resulting in that catch all for all mental and psychological misery, depression. Naturally, depression does not mean that suicide is inevitable. In fact, the vast majority escape its clutches by reevaluating their lives and starting anew with their previous beliefs, or alternately choosing a new "meaning". Unfortunately either choice is likely to come from the same three obligations discussed above and as a result the chance of another collapse remains likely. Fortunately (or unfortunately) many people don't ever fall into the trap of depression and continue living their lives based on their belief structures due to that incomprehensible of all human characteristics, faith, or more specifically, faith in themselves. This belief in having had the good fortune of living for something worth while, keeps most of society happy their entire lives. Naturally these same people have bouts of doubt, but these tinges of regret only seem to flash across their mind at certain points of life, or on their deathbed. The majority's success at living full lives makes one wonder why the minority chooses suicide. This question is one which while puzzling at first, becomes much clearer following closer examination.

Suicide is not a unique phenomena. Throughout human history, people have found themselves falling to its whim, while at the same time being unable to comprehend while they are victims in the first place. As mentioned earlier, depression is the state that immediately precedes suicide. This state caused by the absence of "meaning" is a non-stop exercise of mental toughness, as the brain desperately tries to search for something worth living for. As the mind begins to search for "meaning" it attempts to safeguard itself from a possible return to depression, by throwing out all that it deems unsatisfactory. It is in this state that many of the traditions and values held in reverent awe by a majority of the human race reveals itself to be nothing more than a means to protect us from knowing the regrettable truth. There isn't any meaning to life. Everything that we cherish, from religion, to family tradition is nothing more than humanity attaching meaning to an otherwise meaningless existence. All has been created just to give us reason to continue living, as opposed to the alternative, which is the soul-crushing truth that we are unnecessary. This form of social enlightenment is staggering and when the mind finally realizes the futility of its pursuit it decides to end itself through the only means possible, physical extermination. While this seems harsh, it is necessary to see the scale of the illusion that has been pulled over our eyes. Unfortunately for the victims of suicide, this result proves what can happen to the unfortunate variable of the population incapable of accepting the current fantasy of our own self-importance.

Finally, its easy to see why a majority of the established paths to happiness look down on suicide. The world's religions as well as the common notion of suicide being "selfish" make it the ultimate unforgivable act. Despite these negative repercussions, suicide continues to occur. Of course, all of this may have many readers wondering about where I stand which in turn begs the question concerning why I haven't committed suicide. Especially if I'm so confidant in the meaninglessness of life. The question is a good one, and a difficult thing to answer. In my opinion the continued existence of suicide proves that if life does have meaning, it hasn't been discovered or created yet. In fact the continued (and increasing) materialism that exemplifies a capitalist world has only intensified these feelings of personal irrelevance. The further entrenchment of a materialist conception of value only threatens to make the situation worse. In conclusion, I can only say that since we live in a world devoid of inherent meaning, it is our duty to find a purpose. Our biology demands that we give ourselves a reason to live, but unfortunately we have failed at creating a universal "meaning of life" that humanity can collectively appreciate. Of course my belief in the possibility of this idea may be just another delusion, but for me, its enough to give me the "meaning" I need to keep going.