Three years ago while traveling in the Italian city of Rome, I was inundated with cultural and historical relics that both delighted the senses and rejuvenated my love of history. It was as a result of this vigorous mental and (sometimes) physical exercise, that I would often return to my hotel room exhausted and desperate for something capable of relaxing me. Fortunately, my hotel provided us with the under appreciated luxury of television. Despite my lack of Italian, I felt that the flashing pictures and dull roar could help me achieve a level of comfort so desperately needed at that moment. Of course, you can imagine my surprise when I was greeted with the calm but calculating expression of master actor and martial arts expert, Chuck Norris. Intrigued by his sheer presence on screen, I continued to watch him deliver justice one round house kick at a time. Of course in Italy, he was as an Italian speaking Texas police officer, but that did not deter my fascination with the man that was Walker, Texas Ranger. The rest of my time in Rome was spent impatiently traveling around the city before hurriedly returning to my hotel in order to catch another glimpse of Walker in Italian. When I left Rome, I knew that at all costs I had to return to a country to watch embarrassing American programming dubbed in a foreign language. Although at the time, I did not realize how close I was to fulfilling that dream.
Fortunately, my opportunity for more foreign TV would arrive with my move to Japan in July of 2006. I had heard simultaneous tales of horror and delight from those who had had the opportunity to view its programming. Unfortunately, I was disappointed to find that the Japanese had catered to their foreign guests by allowing all of their American programming to be tracked in both Japanese and English. Therefore, with a simple flick of a switch, I could watch any foreign program in English. This coupled with very little original programming capable of capturing my attention (with the exception of Hard Gay, a "gay" comedian, see my blog “Hard Gay: Japan’s Answer to Stereotyping”), I found myself watching the channel, Movie Plus (see Blog “Smell You Later Japan”) almost exclusively. My heartbreak was further compounded by the absence of Walker in Japanese. I endured the long winter with hopes that Russia would improve my lot.
My first time in Russia had allowed me a glimpse at my possibilities. While living with a host family in Moscow, I had caught brief glimpses of Gordon Shumway chasing a cat in the 80's hit sitcom A.L.F. My host mother's hatred of the show forced me to miss this fantastic program, but its existence stimulated my appetite for the future. My return to Russia didn't immediately reap any rewards. Much of the programming seemed typically European, with some game shows and talk shows littered with some absolutely unmistakable Euro-pop. Sensing defeat, I returned from work one day and decided to flip through the channels, hoping beyond hope for some type of reward. I was just about to give up when something strangely familiar caught my attention. My eyes lit up when I realized that the mohawk and gold chains that I was staring at belonged to no other than a Mr. T, I was watching the A-team. It was better than I could have possibly hoped for. "Команда А" (Commando Ah) or A-team in Russian gave me all of the ridiculousness of Walker multiplied by four. They were all there. Hannibal was leading, Face was attractive, Murdock was a "crazy fool" and B.A. (Bad Attitude) Barracas showed his fear of flying. My heart went out to these four falsely accused heroes, and I cursed the government for their unjust persecution and relentless pursuit. Just as my euphoria began to subside, the show ended. The screen turned black. It was then that it happened.
When the screen finally began to light up, I could see Walker standing there in all his glory. He stood as if looking directly at me, his unmistakable grimace and his coat rustling, the ridiculous music playing while a Russian announcer translated the lyrics. All of the fond memories of Italy coupled with the fact that three people, one for men, one for women, and one for children had been given the task of reading the show’s entire dialog. I was so thrilled that I collapsed and viewed a ridiculous episode featuring dogs having seizures, Walker riding on the top of tanker trucks, and much more. I realized that I had moved to a country capable of providing the poorly dubbed programming so important for my life. In conclusion, I finally had my dubbed Walker. I thought that my existence could not get any better. I went to my evening class full of hope for the future and a strong commitment to life. Little did I know that the best part of Russian TV was yet to come, and this time, not from America...
To Be Continued Next Week!
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
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3 comments:
I am so proud of you right now. As a man who routinely watched Walker, Texas Ranger and sang along with the theme song each and every time, I can only thank God that others all over the world can benefit from its life-affirming message. Music, the universal language. Or laughter, I forget which. Either way, they both apply as the discussion pertains to "The eyes of the Ranger Are Upon you." The only injustice to those outside of the US is they don't get to hear Chuck Norris sing the theme. Or is that an American injustice?
haha...man your blogs get better and better each time i visit the page. this is pretty much my only way to keep tabs on your day to day life, so thank god for you have your priorities straight, as it pertains to the topic of the day. the only thing more ludicrous than a ninja cowboy that sings his own theme song is a ninja cowboy that's entire ensemble cast is voiced by one man, one woman, and one child. that's the most amazing thing i've ever heard.
ps. chuck norris doesn't do push ups. he pushes the earth down.
ladies,
ric
A perfect positive ray from NGC 1275
I asked the archangel from NGC 1275 for a gift. There where many star-traviling Aliens with space ships that visited another world in that galaxy. I asked them angel to connect to all the space aliens that where killed after bieng captured with thier spaceship. Every Friday at 4pm Tel Aviv Isreal time all the alternate futures where the nice aliens lived and did not die will open and will strike are world like a beam. All the aliens killed visiting other worlds in that galaxy for the past 70,000 years that where murdured by some military government in charge on the worlds they visited. The alternate future portals will open for all the killed aliens in that galaxy that had their space ship stolen like they where actually alive. The A.F P will also beam out to our world so you can feel it every Friday.
The generals on are world are like phyciatric patients with delusions of alien invasion. They probably kill aliens and answer to nobody.
The angel from M87 will lock on to the alien life forms.
I asked the archangel from M87 for a gift. There where many star-traviling Aliens with space ships that visited another world in that galaxy. I asked them angel to connect to all the space aliens that where killed after bieng captured with thier spaceship. Every Thursday at 4pm Tel Aviv Isreal time all the alternate futures where the nice aliens lived and did not die will open and will strike are world like a beam. All the aliens killed visiting other worlds in that galaxy for the past 70,000 years that where murdured by some military government in charge on the worlds they visited. The alternate future portals will open for all the killed aliens in that galaxy that had their space ship stolen like they where actually alive. The A.F P will also beam out to our world so you can feel it every Thursday.
The generals on are world are like phyciatric patients with delusions of alien invasion. They probably kill aliens and answer to nobody.
You should tune into the angel magic from Cygnus A galaxy.
I asked the archangel from Cygnus A for a gift. There where many star-traviling Aliens with space ships that visited another world in that galaxy. I asked them angel to connect to all the space aliens that where killed after bieng captured with thier spaceship. Every Wednesday at 4pm Tel Aviv Isreal time all the alternate futures where the nice aliens lived and did not die will open and will strike are world like a beam. All the aliens killed visiting other worlds in that galaxy for the past 70,000 years that where murdured by some military government in charge on the worlds they visited. The alternate future portals will open for all the killed aliens in that galaxy that had their space ship stolen like they where actually alive. The A.F P will also beam out to our world so you can feel it every Wednesday.
The generals on are world are like phyciatric patients with delusions of alien invasion. They probably kill aliens and answer to nobody.
Theres a magic wave from galaxy 3C31 thats got soul
I asked the archangel from 3C31 for a gift. There where many star-traviling Aliens with space ships that visited another world in that galaxy. I asked them angel to connect to all the space aliens that where killed after bieng captured with thier spaceship. Every Tousday at 4pm Tel Aviv Isreal time all the alternate futures where the nice aliens lived and did not die will open and will strike are world like a beam. All the aliens killed visiting other worlds in that galaxy for the past 70,000 years that where murdured by some military government in charge on the worlds they visited. The alternate future portals will open for all the killed aliens in that galaxy that had their space ship stolen like they where actually alive. The A.F P will also beam out to our world so you can feel it every Tousday.
The generals on are world are like phyciatric patients with delusions of alien invasion. They probably kill aliens and answer to nobody.
I hope I can bring the star-travelors in NGC 315 back to life
I asked the archangel from NGC 315 for a gift. There where many star-traviling Aliens with space ships that visited another world in that galaxy. I asked them angel to connect to all the space aliens that where killed after bieng captured with thier spaceship. Every Monday at 4pm Tel Aviv Isreal time all the alternate futures where the nice aliens lived and did not die will open and will strike are world like a beam. All the aliens killed visiting other worlds in that galaxy for the past 70,000 years that where murdured by some military government in charge on the worlds they visited. The alternate future portals will open for all the killed aliens in that galaxy that had their space ship stolen like they where actually alive. The A.F P will also beam out to our world so you can feel it every Monday.
The generals on are world are like phyciatric patients with delusions of alien invasion. They probably kill aliens and answer to nobody.
I got sympathy for the captured aliens in galaxy 3C288
I asked the archangel from 3C288 for a gift. There where many star-traviling Aliens with space ships that visited another world in that galaxy. I asked them angel to connect to all the space aliens that where killed after bieng captured with thier spaceship. Every Sunday at 4pm Tel Aviv Isreal time all the alternate futures where the nice aliens lived and did not die will open and will strike are world like a beam. All the aliens killed visiting other worlds in that galaxy for the past 70,000 years that where murdured by some military government in charge on the worlds they visited. The alternate future portals will open for all the killed aliens in that galaxy that had their space ship stolen like they where actually alive. The A.F P will also beam out to our world so you can feel it every Sunday.
The generals on are world are like phyciatric patients with delusions of alien invasion. They probably kill aliens and answer to nobody.
I think theres good space travelors in Galaxy NGC 6251
I asked the archangel from NGC 6251 for a gift. There where many star-traviling Aliens with space ships that visited another world in that galaxy. I asked them angel to connect to all the space aliens that where killed after bieng captured with thier spaceship. Every Saturday at 4pm Tel Aviv Isreal time all the alternate futures where the nice aliens lived and did not die will open and will strike are world like a beam. All the aliens killed visiting other worlds in that galaxy for the past 70,000 years that where murdured by some military government in charge on the worlds they visited. The alternate future portals will open for all the killed aliens in that galaxy that had their space ship stolen like they where actually alive. The A.F P will also beam out to our world so you can feel it every Saturday.
The generals on are world are like phyciatric patients with delusions of alien invasion. They probably kill aliens and answer to nobody.
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