The Mystery of the BONE KNIFE!

A year ago this month I found myself in a difficult position. I had just returned from China and was planning my move to Japan. Before I left, I decided to visit the Hummel family and discuss my past and future plans. It was during one of these meetings, that I encountered an object of almost universal importance. Of course, I'm referring to the...BONE KNIFE. For those of you who have somehow remained ignorant of such a historically powerful object, I can only suggest that you read my August 2006 blog entitled "Beware the Bone Knife." In any event, I was given the opportunity to briefly hold the knife last year. While my previous entry detailed the the joy and pride I felt during the brief moment that I held it in my hands, I purposefully purged my article of any description of the feeling that engulfed me while it was in my possession. At the time, I was afraid to divulge what the knife had made me think, what it made me want to do. Only now do I feel strong enough to reveal its secret. The bone knife makes you drunk with power. It makes you think you can kill anyone, not just your son, his friends, and terrorists. I could feel the mad rage building and could not take it anymore. After the picture was taken, I hastily put the knife down, afraid to touch it again. I vowed then never to touch it again, as I boarded my plane for Japan, the BONE KNIFE was the furthest thing from my mind.

When I came back to the United States in July, I knew that I would make a requisite visit to the Hummels to fill them in on my news, as well as hearing about how they were doing. As Leslie and I drove to their house, I started to get goose bumps and began to have slight convulsions. Unable to understand what was happening, I pulled into their driveway. As soon as I stepped out of the car, I could feel its presence. I needed it, I wanted it. Walking up to the house, I showed an irrational impatience, curtly saying hello, I asked if I could see it. Everyone looked confused, but I could see a glimmer of understanding in John's eyes. Pam tried to calm my nerves by handing me a class of punch. Frustrated, I threw my glass of refreshment against the wall and demanded immediate satisfaction. Sadly, John went to the the other room, and brought me the object of my desire. The jewel encrusted box was laid at my feet. Feeling the power run through my body, I turned the key. A puff of smoke escaped from the lid, and I saw the BONE KNIFE lying before me in all its glory. I lifted it up above my head, the setting sun glistening off its milky white blade. I knew I had to utilize my gift. I had to kill Leslie.

Leslie looked at me, noticing the change in my entire demeanor. I looked at her, my voice deeper and raspy, my eyes shining, "dirty girls, I'll get them with the BONE KNIFE!" I proceeded to make the slit throat motion and stood up, a big drunken smile stretching from ear to ear. I lunged at her, but John was faster. Grabbing me, he wrestled me to the ground. I then proceeded to stab him repeatedly my hand resembling a piston in all its force. Grabbing me by the throat, he revealed a machete that he had recently purchased at Knife World, a popular knife supplier in South Carolina. Standing up, I marveled at his resilience, and noticed that my stabs had barely made a difference. We had a knife fight ala, West Side Story, dipping in unison, with the occasional pirouette, we battled it out. Finally, he hit me with the butt of his machete and took hold of the my knife. In a split second, he had slit my throat with the BONE KNIFE. I fell to the ground, everything went black.

A few moments later, I awoke to find myself lying on the bed, a wet compress on my head. I felt a new energy flowing through my body. I looked up to see John, Pam, and Leslie anxiously watching over me. "What, what happened", I asked. "Don't worry, its all over now, we've taken you somewhere where you'll feel at home." John replied. I opened my eyes further and realized that I was lying in an elaborate igloo. "I don't...don't understand." I said meekly. "Let me explain," John said. "Years ago when the god's created man, they gave him a land of paradise." Unfortunately, man did nothing but complain, because he had nothing to cut his steak. The gods then met, and decided to fashion a knife of such power, that not only would he want to cut steak, but everything else that made him angry at the moment. If this sounds irrational, keep in my they are gods, their business is an irrationality that you just have to believe at risk of ridicule for your logical conclusions." I nodded my head in understanding. "Anyway, they fashioned a knife out of their collective divine skeletons, which apparently gods possess, and gave it to the first human. Naturally, he proceeded to lay waste to the entire animal population of the world, and of course, that's how dinosaurs really went extinct." I was speechless at this revelation, but begged John to continue. "Anyway, all of the ancient kings desired the BONE KNIFE, it was the cause of many of earth's wars. Finally, a wise Greek man named Johnithiniki Hummelakos decided to end the chaos. He stole the knife and gave it to the Inuit people, the direct descendants of the dinosaurs. He knew they would not want to use it due their memories of the previous genocide. Of course, they kept it for generations, until it was lost, then eventually returned to me, its guardian and the only one who really understands its power." "Wait a minute," I asked. "How do you understand its power?" "Well, I am the the direct descendant of Hummelakos" John replied. "The burden is on me to protect it at all costs. Of course, this doesn't mean that I can't show it off and attack you boys with it, but you understand." I nodded in agreement. I stood up and gave Leslie a hug and apologized for attempting to murder her. She laughed, but looked slightly nervous. I ignored her, as we made for the door. I said my goodbyes, but just before I walked out the door I realized that there was still a slight pain around my neck. Turning around, I asked John why I had not died from the most powerful weapon on earth. He smiled and looked at me. "That is a story, that I will leave for next time. Perhaps next year?" As soon as he said this, I knew the truth. Pride filled me, I nodded in acknowledgment of our mutual knowledge before getting in my car and returning home.