Tales From Home Pt. 5: It's Pooch!

As my time in Japan comes to an end, I am thrown into a state of constant reflection concerning past events. As with any reminiscing, the times and subjects begin to blur. Therefore, instead of thinking over interesting experiences that have occurred during my stay in Japan, I began to find myself thinking about the cold winters of Northwest Pennsylvania. Naturally, this opens the door for my fifth (and final while living in Japan) installment of my "Tales From Home" series! So without holding back any eagerly anticipated details concerning my youth, I present to you a charming story about a dog, a man, and the joy of freedom.

After graduating high school, I was left in a sort of limbo. I had finished my primary education and had successfully procured an invitation to an accredited university. Unfortunately, my financial situation was less than ideal, and as a result I was forced to take a year off before continuing my education. In retrospect, the long break may have had positive effects on my overall development, but at the time, it seemed to be proof of my pessimistic world view. Despite my frustration, I was fortunate to have a very close friend attending a university reasonably close to my house, and therefore I was able to spend many of the weekends in his company. Dan (a friend, who was prominent in "Tales From Home Pt.1") and I would spend the winter and spring complaining our place in life and our lack of success with women. We would try to drown this worries through occasional binge drinking. Unfortunately, neither of us were particularly fond of drinking, so most nights would spent in the half-hearted pursuit of alcohol, before giving up and playing Nintendo 64. Despite this, the desire for beer was not totally wasted. After all, it was during one of these alcohol driven forays, that we encountered a dog that Dan lovingly named "Pooch."

Pooch was a very nice looking dog. He was just a puppy and was very kind and friendly to all he encountered. He lived next door to Dan's grandparents, and so it was very easy to see him sitting sadly tied to his doghouse with a three foot chain. Everyday Dan would mention a desire to "free" Pooch, to which I would laugh and continue walking. Occasionally I would catch Dan staring out the window at Pooch with a strong sense of commitment washing across his face. I also felt sympathy for the dog, but his short chain caused the area around him to be incredibly muddy. My apprehension about getting my clothes dirty weakened my resolve to take action, and his fate was sealed as far as I was concerned. Fortunately, it was a different story for Dan. As time progressed, he became more and more enthralled by the appeal of "freeing" Pooch. Finally one night, Dan was incapable of allowing the gross injustice to continue. Under the pale moonlight and my watchful eyes, Dan crept over to the dog house. Amidst a flurry of kisses and muddy paws, Dan loosened the rope and unhooked the chain.

The moment Pooch was free, he attacked. Attention starved and euphoric over his new found freedom, he proceeded to cover Dan's clothes in a number of paw prints. Seeing this transgress, and fearing for my own safety, I quickly ran inside the house and continued to watch Dan has he escaped from Pooch and entered the house. After recovering from the initial shock, we watched Pooch proceed to do laps around the house. After changing his clothes, Dan and I prepared to hit the town. Worried that Pooch would recommence his earlier attacks, we waited until he was out of sight before stepping outside. As soon as we started walking we heard the familiar paw steps of an animal all to eager to cover us in a thin layer of dirt. He then burst out of the trees in a full sprint. In a fit of pure horror, we took off running, all the while Pooch nipped at our heels. After a few hundred feet, Pooch grew wary and turned around. We were free, for the moment.

Later that night we made our way home. The night had been typically boring, and we decided to take an alternate way back in order to avoid the puppy who was no doubt lurking around the house. It had grown quite dark and we were walking past a large embankment about three feet above ground level and still quite a distance away from our final destination. It was then that we heard a faint rustling of leaves off in the distance. We carefully walked toward the disturbance, vaguely aware of what had caused it. As we approached we heard a loud yelp followed by the shadow of a creature jumping of the slope in our direction. Both of us immediately knew the culprit, but Dan was the first to react. Shouting, "It's Pooch! Run!", he took off as quickly as he could. Realizing I was alone and staring down squarely at the object of my worst fears, I hastened to move as well, but not before a muddy paw reached for my ankles. Shouting in dismay, I took off while Pooch ran circles around me. Dan and I finally reached the house and made our way inside just in time to shut the door on Pooch and his eager ambitions.

For the rest of night we would catch glimpses of Pooch circling the house. The next morning we awoke to see that his owners had captured and chained him back up. After a few weeks he disappeared and was never seen again. I can only assume that some other hapless character freed him, but of course anything is possible. This happened five years ago but sometimes, at night, I can still hear that yelp, see those bright eyes, feel that warm tongue. All send shivers down my spine even now. In conclusion I would like to warn you against freeing seemingly helpless puppies. They are a dangerous lot and will only reward you through constant adorable harassment. I wrote this not because I wanted to frighten you, but because I hope to warn you. While this story can be lightly looked back on today, at the moment, the fear of getting dirty was very real. After all, there are plenty of "Pooches" out there, and they are eager to spread dirt and saliva over you and all of your clothes. It's this impending danger that makes this article more relevant to the public welfare than at any other time in history. I just hope that it will be read before some other poor unsuspecting soul is hit with the limitless gratitude that only the freeing of a puppy can provide.

Attack of the "GAY" Bomb!!!

During my time in Japan, I have been repeatedly subjected to the uncomfortable truths surrounding the conclusion of the Second World War. The atomic bombing of both Hiroshima and Nagasaki left an indelible mark on the nation and its people, and the threat of future bombings forced the world into a state of sustained fear. Fortunately, the end of the Cold War caused this anxiety to subside, and many hailed the 1990's as the final conclusion of the animosity that had characterized a majority of the twentieth century. Faced with a near international distaste for bombs capable of global annihilation, the American military decided to focus on non-lethal options. It was the pursuit of this policy that lead them to search for a logical and completely rational alternative. It was with this in mind, that Pentagon officials requested over 7 million dollars in order to research and develop....a "Gay" bomb. Once completed, this ultimate weapon would be capable of not only "turning" people gay, but it would also have the power to force them to be so attracted to other members of the same sex, that they would be unable to resist having sex with each other. Now before everyone criticizes what appears appears to be an ignorant and altogether stupid idea, I would like to warn you that the motivation should not be the most frightening aspect of this revelation. During my research, I was fortunate enough to find the reason why the bomb's funding was denied. Of course, this is nothing short of a journalist coup on my part! The following is a condensed version of what many felt could be the possible repercussions of a successful bomb attack. Therefore, I would like to reveal the potential results this brash implementation of arbitrary power could unleash upon the world.

Imagine an alternate reality. The American military has decided to move into Iraq in the name of its "War on Terror." Within weeks, the "gAy" bomb is authorized for use and a date for deployment is set. Early one morning, there is a bright flash, followed by a dull roar that quickly grew louder. The "gAy" Bomb, which had been designed only a few years before, has gone off, and the fall-out spreads over the Iraqi landscape. The Iraqi soldiers are hit with a rush of rainbow colored dust, which cause them to drop their weapons so that they can have sex with the nearest same-sex soldier. The effect is only to natural. After all, it is a common knowledge that homosexuals are incapable of resisting their sexual urges. Anyway, now that the entire Iraqi population has been turned gay, they are only interested in sex and not in fighting. The Iraqi nation quickly capitulates, but nobody signs an official peace treaty (once again due to their incapacity to due anything but gay sex). The world celebrates the end of the conflict, and continually pats itself on the back due to the completion of the first non-lethal war. The United States, emboldened by its success, plans numerous "gAy" bomb strikes on other trouble (in the eyes of the United States) spots. North Korea, Iran, Sudan, Syria, Belarus, and Venezuela all are hit with the "gAy" bomb. The population of these countries, now thoroughly gay and strictly devoted to the pursuit of homosexual sex, began to enter economic recession. Their national businesses are eagerly absorbed by foreign companies and less people are able to afford the necessary materials for redecorating their homes. The citizens of the affected countries grow anxious, and begin rudimentary bomb making. Fearing reprisal attacks, the United States institutes a non-proliferation act. The most powerful countries in the world eagerly design their own "gAy" bombs. As a result, new and more powerful bombs are made. Future models are so good at exploiting stereotypes, that they are even capable of blowing leather "hot pants" onto their victims. With the homosexual populations dwindling (naturally due to the lack of reproductive sex) and their economies in shambles, the gay nations unite in a "rainbow" coalition to increase their numbers in the only way they know how, the "gAy" bomb. All of these events set the state for a global conflagration of biblical proportions.

The above paragraph is only the tip of the iceberg. The unknown numbers of "natural" homosexuals (those not "turned" by the bomb) would be persecuted in their home countries. Even those devoutly loyal to their native land, would be suspect. This of course would be similar to events in the homosexual countries. Naturally both homosexuals and heterosexuals would fracture into splinter organizations. Some parties would be vehemently opposed to detente, while others would support coexistence. Unfortunately, the peace could not last. Out of fear of subversive influences, both sides would be forced to take extremely Draconian measures. Heterosexuals would be driven to create the "Gay Police," a governmental organization devoted to the exposure of homosexuals in the most mundane of places. They would also be forced to keep tabs on their gay population by designing homosexual tracking devices and predictably calling them "Gaydars." In turn, Homosexuals would scour the street for fashionably reckless men, detaining them for wearing last year's collections, or worse, buying things off the rack. This strict polarization would retard the progress of mankind, and undoubtedly force humanity into a second "Dark Ages."

In conclusion, the paragraphs above elaborated on a potential scenario, utilizing all of the stereotypes and closed thinking at the disposal of those in the Pentagon. Fortunately, we will never be subjected to this kind of reality. As you may have already guessed, the funding was denied, and instead rerouted to different highly dubious ideas. Therefore, we don't have to fear a global homosexual force, whose only desires would be getting married, having families, and becoming productive parts of society. The dread stimulated by this potentiality, subsides when I think of the real world. A planet of conflicting religious faith, economic patterns, and forms of government. A world where different ideas about life can guarantee your death, or at the very least your ostracization. It is in this existence that I know that homosexuality is only one of many things that can stimulate the ire of a fraction of the population. It is as part of this reality that I can sleep at night.

(P.S. If you wish to read the article that inspired this blog, here is the link. http://cbs5.com/topstories/local_story_159222541.html I promise you, its far more ridiculous than my article. Also if you have time, watch the movie. It's hilarious.)

Christianity's Savior

Since the beginning of its existence, Christianity has been about promoting itself. Whether it was through second century asceticism, twelfth century violence, or nineteenth century evangelism, the religion has always been keen to utilize new ways to gain converts. Despite this, the Judeo-Christian faith has never been good at creating its own methods for appealing to non-believers. As a result, Christianity began to borrow already established foods, practices, stories, and history, in the hopes of "Christianizing" them so that the religion would be more appealing. Even the central Christian tenets of one God (Zoroastrianism), the virgin birth (Mithraism, and the God "Mithras" born coincidentally on December 25th, as well as "Hercules" in Greek myth), and the execution/rising from the dead (Osiris in Egyptian myth and others) were borrowed from "pagan" religions. Despite this, Christian approaches toward these features was far from symbiotic and in fact, quite parasitic. Almost every approach at Christianizing something that was already popular with a majority of people has resulted in not only failure, but it has also lessened its appeal in the eyes of its former adherents. Fortunately for Christians, there is a glimmer of hope. One object has been repeatedly subjected to its negative influence and always comes out the same if not stronger. Its resilience has been hoisted as a beacon for non-believers, and Christians constantly cite it as a reason to enter their hallowed halls. Of course, I'm referring to the mainstay of the Christian attempts at "secular" parties, pizza.

Objectively, its hard to criticize Christians for attempting to make their religion more appealing, especially in recent years. The prevalence of attractions that stimulate the baser aspects of our nature have always held sway over the abstract and metaphysical sides. Early Christianity reacted to this by appealing to our sense of awe at seemingly selfless sacrifices. Thus martyrdom and asceticism were promoted at symbols of the Christian faith. Unfortunately since everyone was dying due to isolated starvation and (very, very infrequently) state sponsored execution, this was eventually phased out. Another symbol of Christian zeal was the practice of lifelong abstinence. Once again, this policy was not productive because this left many Christians without offspring and since it was far easier to manipulate the young mind of a child rather than convert an adult, this policy was relegated to the clergy. Next came the era of Christian domination of politics during the Middle Ages. Thus ignorance and fear of state repression proved a powerful tool toward the guarantee of public submission. This united "Christendom" would continue until the Protestant Reformation and the age of enlightenment or "Renaissance."

Martin Luther and the Protestant Reformation would open up a whole new era of the Christian attempts to co-opt interesting and fun things and reign them in for the benefit of the faith. With the liberalization of politics and the decreased role of the church, it was no longer reasonable to just promote humanity's fear, guilt, or uncertainty. Thus began the initial era of appealing to the secular desires of potential converts. The first instance of this phenomena can be attributed to Deism. This faith, allegedly adhered to by some of the great minds of the 18th century, allowed people to have original ideas while at the same time still believing in God. Of course, religion by its very nature discourages innovation and this movement eventually died out. The following century saw a rise in pre-enlightenment religious ideals most obviously displayed by the "Great Awakening" in the United States and culminating in the the conservative atmosphere of the Victorian Era. Fortunately, this was also a time of mass industrialization and social awakening. This progress resulted in a prevalence of left wing politics that put an emphasis on science and reason, and thus posed the biggest threat towards the continued prominence of organized religion. This crisis set the stage for the elevation of pizza to its future prominence. With this on the horizon, mankind entered the twentieth century.

The twentieth century has been one of extremes. The influx of ideology and science has relegated religion to a purely personal decision, much to the chagrin of many Christians. This has had a negative effect on Christianity due to its essential need to spread its message. As a result, Christianity has embraced many secular activities in order to increase their numbers. Attend any church event and you will see basically the same thing. People drinking punch and eating chips. People laughing at terrible jokes while "rocking out" to the latest Christian band. Sports (almost always basketball or volleyball) will inevitably be played, all under the watchful supervision of a young person (commonly called a "Youth Leader") in their late twenties/early thirties whose sole purpose is to put an "inspirational" spin on all the goings on. The whole event is surreal and everyone can feel the alternate intentions hanging in the air like a thick soup. Every possible situation is seen as a way to introduce some sermon or message, and by the end of the night (and after the requisite invitation to "let Jesus into your heart" a.k.a. conversion), the entire procedure ends with the the believers thoroughly self-satisfied and the participants exasperated or annoyed.

Of course, what keeps bringing people back? It can be summed up in one word, pizza. The universal appeal of pizza is inexplicable, and the fact that it could be easily acquired without the religious propaganda makes the Christian success a miracle. Also, any time you hear about a Christian Basketball tournament, that Christians like surfing, or that Christians will have a "camping trip" you immediately think about how lame those events will be, as well as how those activities lose what made them originally appealing because of the fact that Christians do them. Despite this, the words "Free Pizza" cause everyone to keep coming back, and even with the threat of Christian Rock (the most unpalatable medium in the history of mankind) people still feel that it is worth it, primarily because there will be pizza.

Finally, I would like to urge people to buy pizza. I know how appealing free food is, but its just not worth it. The constant sermonizing from the not so subtle "Youth leaders" make it worse than the hell they are trying to save you from. Therefore I would like to urge you to stay away from the "altruism" of the church. Of course this not to say that you should not be a Christian. If you want to convert, that is your concern and it should be done in a meaningful setting on your own terms. Not in a pizza infested punch splashed wasteland where the symbol of your intent is by huddling with the other participants, closing your eyes, looking down, and raising your hand when the "Youth Leader" requests it. The whole matter is an exercise in youth manipulation and therefore cheapens the whole affair by making the decision to become Christian less than voluntary. Of course, perhaps that's what the Christian religion has been about all along. In that case, pizza's continued vigor will continue to blind people to the faith's all to obvious deficiencies. One delicious bite at a time.

The Rite of Spring

Well, its that time of year again. The moment when all of humanity lifts their voices in apparent unity to celebrate the imminent arrival of warmer weather. All winter, people have mused over their plans for the spring and summer. Strangers have come together to excitedly talk about the amount of outdoor activities, sports, and fun that the summer utopia allows. This euphoria blinds even the most vigilant of minds, and any memories of the previous summer are washed away by the idealism encapsulated in their varied plans for the season. It is into this delusion that I hope to make one seemingly obvious but sacrilegious observation. The summer season, at its essence, is the embodiment of all of our disappointments and failures. While this may seem harsh, I feel that I can adequately support this argument. Therefore, I would like to use the following article to convince my readers to follow my hastily thought out, but altogether reasonable ideas on summer.

The first thing I would like to address may be the most obvious. Of course I am referring to the weather. All winter, people shivering in their homes dream of a time when anything is possible. When they can throw off the shackles of their blankets and quilts to embrace the Eden that the rising mercury provides. Forgetting the problems of the previous summer, they enter April and May full of hope. It is then, that reality hits. A death scape of humidity and rain great every attempt at meaningful recreation. Plans are dashed by flash thunderstorms, and the muggy mid summer leaves society sitting in a pool of sweat and frustration. It is during this time, that people start preaching the brilliance of the air conditioner. Bemoaning any person or company without one, they curse the summer heat and complain about how the lack of reasonable weather has ruined all of their simple and rational plans. Despite this, their misplaced idealism does not abide. In fact, the often quoted "we'll do it next year" comes in vogue, and people eagerly began to plan next summer's activities. So with the changing of the seasons, the whole cycle begins again.

The previous paragraph touches on the second curse of summer, notably its ability to destroy the dreams of the optimistic, while rebuilding them under the guise of infinite possibilities in the future. The first thing that needs to be addressed is the absence of any misplaced anticipation towards winter. Of course there are members of the population who look forward to winter due to their affection for winter sports (a phenomena which itself needs to be addressed). Despite this, there doesn't seem to be a near universal impatience for the advent of winter that is so often seen concerning summer. Of course, a number of factors could be behind summer's preeminence. These range from longer daylight hours to a more vibrant natural life outdoors. Unfortunately, this still does not answer why people still unabashedly continue to believe the fantasy. It is with this in mind that my second critique of summer becomes clear. Mainly, the season's ability to beguile humanity into thinking it holds the promise of a infinite and uncontested leisure. This belief as well as summer's ability to ferment continued optimism through the means of sporadic concessions, help keep society firmly entrenched under its spell. All of this leaves the human race in a nonsensical state of anticipation for forthcoming summers, which in turn keeps the season firmly implanted as the tyrannical leader of our recreational sensibilities.

Finally, I would like to address the final and most important blight summer has laid upon us. Of course I am referring to human body odor. This organic and all to recognizable event has not only sent us into a downward spiral of stench, but its corresponding sweat has also ruined countless white shirts by turning them a peculiar shade of yellow. This in turn has sponsored numerous business interests who eagerly offer products specifically designed to combat such a gross attack on our livelihood. Fearing the social pariah status given to those whose foul odor afflicts our all too vigilant olfactory receptors, we eagerly buy these products, while blaspheming our bodies for causing us so much grief. Of course the theme of this article makes it all to clear that our bodies are not to blame. Instead, it is the all encompassing evil that should go without mention, summer.

In conclusion, I can't say enough bad things about about summer, but I can briefly talk about the good things. This is easy because there are only two things to mention, baseball and procreation. Baseball just because of nostalgia and because as an American, I grew up with its influence surrounding me. Procreation, sometimes simply called sex, is a different matter. Summer's merciless heat cause members of both sexes to wear less and less clothing. These titillating sights force us to think about only one thing, and as a result the continued survival of species is maintained. So perhaps there is some deal between summer and the cosmic force (whether it be rational science or faith based religion) responsible for existence? Maybe this entity will continue to force our minds to look forward to summer, while summer's oppressive heat will continue to force us to wear less clothing? Of course this would allow both to continue to get pleasure out of our very existence. Or maybe the answer is simpler. Perhaps our love of summer is because of our love of sex. Naturally, if thats true, than thats something I can look forward to.