French Fries S'il Vous Plaît!

My time in Japan has been filled with many unpleasant experiences, most often due to the vileness of Japanese cuisine. As a result of this, I have been forced to scour the countryside looking for misplaced or forgotten food items that the Japanese have overlooked as too "foreign" or too "delicious." These searches have been met with mixed results, notably in the realm of potato chips. Despite this, I have been able to find one potato product whose very essence continues to amaze and astound all of my senses and emotions. Of course I am referring to the wonderful deep fried miracle, the french fry. The salty snack has an almost uncanny ability to be found in every nook and cranny of the planet, including rural Japan. Some may say that its increasing prevalence throughout the world is the natural result of American culture's parasitic encroachment into foreign markets. Of course I find this to be utterly ridiculous, and anyone who has experienced the pure ecstasy that comes with french fry consumption will surely agree with my opinion. Therefore, this blog will be devoted to heralding the age of the french fry, as well as providing a forum for me to share my own stories. It is through this particular blog that I hope to convert those who have unwisely chosen to avoid the french fry due to their desire to maintain good health, and the ability to move without sweating.

I can't remember the first time I ever ate a french fry, but I'm sure it was an experience that I would never forget. The one thing that I do know is that the first time sent me on a path of almost constant longing for deep fried deliciousness. This addiction resulted in a childhood spent chasing the golden rabbit, and even caused my weight to balloon to a whopping 100 lbs before the age of 12. As I entered my teenage years I eagerly awaited the opportunity to enter the true bliss that can only come through employment at a local fast food restaurant. At 16 I got my wish and was given the truly prestigious opportunity to offer my services among the royal retinue of the "Burger King." I can honestly say that this was probably the happiest time of my life, and that if I hadn't had a desire to enjoy a better job somewhere else, I would still be there today. The next couple years were spent pursuing childish and irresponsible dreams, notably attending university and shaping my personality. Despite this, university provided me with a seemingly rare opportunity to travel. I immediately realized the endless potential inherent in traveling, and began to prepare to go to France for the explicit purpose of french fry consumption.

Before I continue any further, I feel that I should warn my readers about the apparently dangerous repercussions you may experience if you read any further. I have decided to use this blog as a forum to blow wide open the lie that has surrounded the french fry. Therefore, if you choose to lead a life in ignorance and free from constant persecution, I suggest you stop reading and wait for next week’s entry. For those of you seeking the truth, I am grateful for your resilience. For years, there has been a shroud of mystery surrounding the french fry and its country of origin. I am here to tell you that I have conclusive proof that the french fry is... from France. Many francophobes have argued for years that the french fry is most likely Belgian. Fortunately an exhaustive report carried out by the American Congress in 2002 proved the truth of my claim. In fact they went so far as to rename french fries, "freedom fries", as a way to express their new found freedom from the misconceptions surrounding its origin. It was with this secret knowledge that I traveled to France and paid homage at the historic site where the french fry was created. I found the obscure shrine named after the creator, Mack Donald, and proceeded to give thanks for his gifts. It was then that I achieved enlightenment, and my mission became clear. I would travel the world eating fries, and spreading the message of their deliciousness. I left the temple with a clear conscious, and a resolute mission.

Ever since that day in 2003 with Father Donald, I have worked tirelessly to preach the good news. Through my work, numerous "McDonald's" shrines have opened all over the world. It seems people can't resist the amazing message propagated by the temples, and I can assure you that I am completely responsible. Although, I think I have done a fine job, I am beginning to realize that the french fry is bigger than me. I recently ate at a Gusto restaurant (considered by many to have the best food in Japan), and discovered that the fries tasted exactly like those that you can receive at an American steakhouse! It was then that I knew that french fries did not need me to spread the message, and that "McDonald's" was not the only place one needed to go to find enlightenment. I even had discovered a small enclave of french fry appreciation and production in a supermarket in Daito. It was then clear to me that my mission was over. I had spent over three years of my life filling out my mission, but now it must end. I have chosen to complete my mission at the end of the year, but not before preaching one last message. The french fry is omnipotent, and omnipresent. It is the alpha and the omega, the light on a dark night. It is made from the potato, the gift that Jesus first gave to the Hebrews. It is baptized in oil, as a sign of its rebirth and regenerative abilities. It is perfect in every way and I hope that all of you will succumb to the wonderful taste and happiness that the french fry brings. I know that it has given me the gift of eternal happiness, at the relatively small cost of my complexion, weight, and health. I think you will all see that if you give life to the french fry, it will shape your life in a similar fashion.