Tales From Home Pt. 3: Are You Ridin'?

As with any experience of youth, there are always events that you look back on with a mix of nostalgia and amusement. For me, the bus rides to and from school during my high school days is one of the few events that generate a legitimate longing for my life back in Pennsylvania. The characters I met and the events I participated in still generate feelings of delight six years since my last ride home. Therefore, I felt that it was my duty to share with the world many of the stories that occurred, as well as elaborating on the wide range of personalities present. I will begin with a brief synopsis of the characters and the finally I will share some of my favorite stories. I would also like to warn the reader that many of these accounts occurred during my younger days, and therefore some things may appear to be stupid. I can only respond by confirming your opinion, but I believe that the comedic value of the stories will shine through nonetheless.

To begin, I would like to go over the characters that helped ensure that the events on the bus would live throughout the ages. First there was me, my friend Ric, and occasionally Jesse (To see a more detailed story concerning them, please look at Tales From Home Pt. 2). Next there was...
-Dr. Rochucknick, a.k.a. Charlie, a guy who thought he was cool, (and was interestingly treated that way by most, including me)but wasn't. His physical stature was eerily similar to Sonic the Hedgehog villain Dr. Robotnik.
-Clint "Clit" Snyder, a big fat guy with hearing aides, who screamed anytime someone got near him or his aides, needless to say we spent many days slapping Clint's ears. He sucked a lot and spent most of his early life wrestling Ric for what he believed to be the ultimate prize, the very back seat of the bus.
-"Best Friend" a.k.a. Teeth and Gums. This fat piece of crap had the second highest male voice I have ever heard. We made fun of him for loving his mom and for being poor. He always had cheese in his teeth, thus his flattering nickname. His real name has unfortunately been lost to the ages. There wasn't anyone on the bus who even claimed to be his "best friend", it was a name he had given himself in order to tell his mother that he indeed had friends.
-B.J., an incredibly violent young man with a seemingly endless supply of money. His parents attempted to buy his love due to their absence, and therefore he relished in the fact that he could be wasteful without reprecussions. He always seemed to color his clothes with permanent markers, usually drawing skulls. His claim to fame was the seemingly careless destruction of his own personal items. He once threw a Nintendo 64 controller into a tree out of frustration, and to my knowledge, it is still there today. He is also famous for shooting Caleb point blank in the face with a paint ball gun.
-Caleb Mitchell, a child whose constant beatings from B.J. ensured a less than stable mental condition. This poor kid was locked out of the house by his parents whenever they wanted to watch "Star Trek". He was forced to spend most of his life away from home, and his slow mental condition resulted in numerous hilarious moments for us. He may also be the ugliest boy I've ever seen as well, as a blond afro and big yellow teeth don't usually stimulate positive responses.

-Matt Blystone a.k.a. "Larry Guido", the guy who coined the nickname "Teeth and Gums" (see above). He is famous for his farsighted humor, as well as the famous act of peeing off a bridge on people.
-The Gay Ghost Ben Giles a.k.a. Window Boy, we never knew this kids name, so we made one up for him, thus Ben Giles. The door to his house was permanently sealed, so the poor unfortunate youth used his window to enter and exit his home. Naturally we made fun of him a lot.
-Jason Warner, this kid only sat with us because he got on the bus earlier than we did. We all hated him, and before Caleb was around, we spent our time beating him up. Rumors abound, but it's possible that he may have had more than just a "friendly" relationship with his dog, Oscar.
-Finally, the star of this particular blog. J-rod, a.k.a. Jared Ward. This boy had the highest male voice I've ever heard. J-rod also had intense anger issues, and absolutely loved weaving profanity into his rants about his mother. I have a feeling that this particular person has killed someone or that he himself has been killed since I last saw him.

All of these characters were forced to come together every day in order to return home after a grueling day of high school. As a result, many interesting occurrences transpired. In order to give the reader the most complete representation of the type of activities that took place on the bus, I have chosen three stories that I believe adequately relate the type of personalities present. Therefore I have chosen to tell one about Clint, Caleb, and finally J-rod. I hope that these three brief accounts can fully relate the joy that I experienced on the bus.

Clint was constantly angry at us. We always used to make fun of his weight, his (also fat) sister's penchant for eating chocolate covered jelly-filled meatballs dipped in butter gravy, and of course his hearing aids. We hated him since we were younger, but his post-pubescent weight and height made him believe that he now had the right to stand up to our insults! The bus rides were a constant struggle between the majority of us, and the 200 lb. Clint. In one memorable shouting match complete with the usual abuse of his hearing aides, the making fun of his ugly face, as well as other assorted insults, someone shouted a Clint, "You are such a dick!" Clint, whose weight could only be equaled by his lack of intelligence, shouted back, "Well, I'd rather be one than have one!!" The hilarity that ensued at Clint's expense was unparalleled. Unfortunately for Clint, we were high school students, so that short moment of stupidity would never be forgotten by us or him. I saw him a few years ago on a brief visit home, and he greeted me only with a middle finger.

Caleb Mitchell was a very stupid boy. Considerably younger than most of us, his life had been one of constant assault by B.J. In fact the beatings had become so regular, that B.J. would often punch Caleb for our amusement. It seems that the frequent thrashings had slowed down Caleb's pain receptors, so much that there was a marked delay from the period of pain to the moment that his brain responded. During one famous occasion, our bus was going over a rather rough road (as were all the roads in my home town), and naturally there was a lot of bouncing. On one particularly large bump Caleb came up and hit his head (rather hard if I remember correctly) on the glass window. His face went from the usual placid confusion to extreme pain in a lightning fast four seconds. Caleb uttered the now famous lines, "ummm, ummm, ouch?" Afterwards, Caleb fell down in his seat to nurse the bump that had no doubt formed on his forehead. This event helped solidify Caleb's popularity on our bus, and we attempted to replicate the experiment through constant beatings.

Finally, last but certainly not least is J-Rod. As mentioned previously, J-Rod vehemently hated his mother and her restrictions on his Playstation playing. One of his most famous lines being, "My mother f*****g mother only let me play my f*****g Playstation for three f*****g hours!!! She is such a c**k sucking b***h!! To which we would all laugh. Despite this, one his famous stories has become the stuff of legend. One day, one of the girls who sat near the front of the bus was making fun of J-rod for his incredibly high voice. The gist of the conversation dealt with the existence of J-rod's testicles. As he got angrier, J-rod began to do his trademark clenched fists and red face scream. Finally, in a fit of rage, J-rod dropped his pants, exposing his all too real testicles. Jiggling them in an undoubtedly taunting fashion, J-rod then screamed, "Oh Yeah!, Suck on these b***h!!" That was the last appearance of J-rod on the bus, as he was no doubt permanently suspended. Despite this, the brilliance of the execution of such a ballsy (pun intended) act deserves applause.

Unfortunately it would take to much time to relate all of the amazing stories that occurred on the bus. J-rod stories alone could occupy an entire entry, and it is with regret that I do not have the time to further document the adventures of Matt Blystone, Dr. Rochucknik, The Gay Ghost, or countless others. Perhaps in the future I will once again mine the archives of my memory and present the world with other stories pertaining to the wonderful hour and a half I spend on the bus on my commute to and from school. Until then, I hope that the stories above will suitably placate the urge for childhood insults and violence, that we all desire from time to time.