Silver Tuna Tonight!

If you don't recognize the title of this blog, then it is with great regret that I inform you that all of the achievements in your life are obsolete when compared to this grave and terrible oversight. For those of you who are aware of the title's meaning, it is with great joy that I remind everyone that the time of year for viewing "Home Alone" is once again upon us. I was fortunate enough to view the movie last week, and I can say that the film has not lost any of its genius. The graphic violence inflicted upon the two burglars is just as humorous today as it was when I first saw it all those years ago. In addition to "Home Alone", I have had the good fortune to enjoy a repeat viewing of the Tim Allen comedy classic, "The Santa Clause". A true work of art, Tim Allen's attempt at holiday cheer has stood the test of time unscathed. Despite this, I feel there are many people who have failed to give these films the merit they deserve. Therefore, it is with a strong purpose that I have decided to write this blog to convince unbelievers to include these movies in their hierarchy of holiday films. Therefore, I will be devoting this week’s entry to two of the greatest pieces of human expression in recorded history.

I will begin by discussing Tim "The Tool Man" Allen's magnum opus, "The Santa Clause." This movie was issued to most middle class Caucasians, and chances are that you have a copy of it in your home. The movie starts with an Al Borland-less Tim Allen basking in the accolades of a successful professional career. Despite this, things could not be worse for the "Tool Man". The divorced father of one is quickly losing the love and respect of his son, and it only gets worse after Tim soops up his oven to give it "aaargh aaargh aaargh, more power", and burns Christmas dinner. The hijinks begin after Tim murders Santa Claus and puts on his suit. After (for some reason) deciding to fly around the world and deliver presents, he returns to the North Pole where he meets Bernard. Bernard devastates Tim by informing him that since he wore the suit, he now has to be Santa Claus. Tim is understandably livid about the turn of events, and proceeds to inform Bernard that the actor playing him will be referred to as "Bernard" for the rest of his professional career in film. The whole experience ends with Tim and his son waking up the next morning in their beds. Throughout the next year, Tim drives his son to the brink of mental stability by claiming that the experience was only a dream. Despite this, it is obvious that Tim is beginning to take on some of the physical characteristics of Santa Claus. Confused and without direction, Tim decides to consult Wilson. Wilson encourages Tim to stop lying to his son, (thus saving the boy from certain insanity) and embrace his new career. The movie concludes with scenes of Bernard eating turkey, love expressed through the burning of child-custody papers, and an adult male receiving an Oscar Mayer weenie whistle. While my memory of this movie may paint it in a neutral light, I would encourage all to pick up this movie and share it with your family during the holiday season. After all, there is nothing that sets my heart a flutter more than convicted drug dealer Tim Allen entering the homes of young children with toys that may or may not have been altered to give them, aaaarrhhhh...eeeehhhh, MORE POWER.

The next and final film has a special place in my heart. When I left home for university, I made a point of including this VHS in my bag, just in case the time came to cozy up with Kevin McCallister as he defended his home from the notorious "Wet Bandits." As many of you have guessed, the movie I'm referring to is the holiday masterpiece "Home Alone." While easily recognized by most intelligent people as one of the greatest movies of all time, it is during the holiday season that the film really shows its true potential. Many people have attempted to undermine this movie by pointing out supposed "weak" points in the plot, but I am here to tell you that truth is stranger than fiction. In fact, "Home Alone" is based on the true story of Kevin McConelly, a boy whose family went to Paris for 6 months before realizing he was missing. While they were gone, Kevin was forced to team up with a serial killer (the South Bend Shovel Slayer) to stop some petty thieves. While the Christmas classic ends with the S.B.S.S. reuniting with his long lost family, in real life he ended up killing Kevin and using his body to salt the sidewalks. Despite the sinister history behind the story, the movie does a good job of ignoring the real life murder of Kevin, and instead focusing on the attempted murder of the burglars, Harry and Marv. We cheer Kevin has he inflicts third degree burns on Harry's head, and maims Marv's feet beyond repair. All the while, a part of us hopes that he will kill one of them so that future burglars will leave our VCR's and copies of "Angels with Filthy Souls" alone. In conclusion, I would like to applaud "Home Alone" for promoting the traditional family values of violence and profanity. This film has given us such great lines as, "Kevin you are such a disease", "I'm gonna chop off your cajones, and boil them in motor oil," and of course, "Look what you did, you little jerk!" This accurate representation of the family unit inspires me to instill in my future children the positive aspects inherent in crude language and life-threatening assault.

In conclusion, I would like to thank Hollywood for making such uplifting and inspirational holiday cinema. Nothing compliments the true meaning of Christmas more than violence and destruction. Therefore, I encourage everyone who wishes to cement their place in the materialism and commercialism of Christmas to go out and buy these two films. Many believe that true meaning behind Christmas is lost to the modern world. Through the annual viewings of these two brilliant films, it may be possible to return, albeit partially, to the way the holiday was originally intended.