Jesus Christ! Will You Please Stop Using My Name in Vain?

Any memories from my childhood would not be complete with referencing the Sunday ritual of attending the local evangelical church. As I got older, I was constantly told that there were certain things that I should not do or think, because the result could be an eternity of damnation. Despite this, I was told that God was love, and that he didn't hate me, but what he did hate was sin. My young mind was unable to understand a faith that promoted the idea of an all powerful God who had curiously created the opportunity for sin to enter the world, then immediately became submissive to its existence, unable to save us despite a seemingly honest desire to do so. Finally as I reached my teenage years, and begin to grasp the fact that God needed a blood sacrifice from his only (why just one?) son to right the wrong he himself created, I realized that the very nature of the story had irrevocably caused an immediate and permanent break from Christianity. (Many may argue that original sin is the product of the dark angel Lucifer, but why did God give one of his angels the sin of pride, before sin had even entered the human psyche?) Despite my differing opinions concerning Christian theology, my intention for this blog is not to debate the legitimacy of the Christian faith, but instead to frame a discussion concerning the many likes and dislikes of God himself. As previously mentioned, my Christian indoctrination has allowed me the knowledge of God's particular dislikes when it comes to abstract philosophical matters. For example, I can say for certain that God hates sin. I have also learned from many right wing politicians that God has as venomous hatred of any economic system other than Capitalism. Despite this knowledge, these facts have not helped us get to know the entity that is God any closer. In order to truly know God I feel that it is necessary to interview him and talk to the entity itself. How does he live? Is he like us in some ways? Does he sometimes squander his paycheck on new Christian Rock CD's? Does he enjoy unleavened bread? All of these questions had entered my mind, so you can imagine my surprise when God consented to an interview. The following is a complete transcript of my discussion with the famous Judeo-Christian God.

C.H.: God, it’s nice to finally meet you.
God: Nice to see you again. I want to say first that I will not answer any questions relating to hot button issues. So please don't ask me any questions about homosexuality or abortion. I just urge all to use their minds and realize that times change and sometimes love between consenting adults or practical matters trump the musings of ancient scholars who believed that the reason we speak different languages is because I got upset over a building in Iraq that they were building. I mean honestly you would think if that was the case, there wouldn't be an urban construction crew in the world who could speak the same language. So, before you say anything. I urge all to do what they know is right and stop citing me as a way to justify your prejudice.
C.H.: Okay. In that case, I want to begin by congratulating you on a fine job with earth, it’s not perfect, but I sense that you work in mysterious ways.
God: Aaah, yeah! I do work in mysterious ways, but let’s be honest. I do not influence everything, people die, disasters happen. I don't really mess with that kind of stuff because of the guilt that comes with the mass slaughter of innocent people. My taste for genocide waned after I helped eliminate the Canaanite people from Palestine after the Jewish exodus from Egypt. I have been working since then to strengthen my reputation as a just and loving God.
C.H.: Is that true? The exodus and the elimination of the descendants of Cain, whom you promised to protect?
God: It has to be, it’s in the Bible.
C.H.: Fair enough. What is it that you occupy your time with today?
God: Well, I have become quite accustomed to sitting in heaven, and admiring my streets of Zinc.
C.H. Zinc? I thought they were gold?
God: Yes, well despite the claims on earth, I am not a fan of capitalism. I made some unwise investments in penny stocks hoping for the big return, but unfortunately the Asian recession coupled with some poor decisions by my broker has forced me to liquidate my assets. I'm beginning to feel the pinch, especially since I have to keep fighting off acquisition attempts from Hell.
C.H.: So, contrary to belief, you are not a supporter of Capitalism?
God: No, how could I be. I love everyone equally. I do not show favoritism and I can not justify one group of people having more privileges and luxury than another.
C.H.: Interesting. Well, the purpose of this interview was to find out about your general likes and dislikes. There are many groups who claim to speak for you when they say that you hate certain things like gays or abortion. I was wondering if you could tell me about the more mundane things you hate.
God: (laughs) I sense you are hoping to gauge my response as a way into what I said I would not talk about, you are clever, but keep in mind I'm the one who gave Solomon the brilliance needed to decide which woman was the true mother of the child he intended to cut in half. So watch it!
C.H.: Okay, I'm sorry. Please continue.
God: Well, let me see. I really hate contemporary Christian music. It’s so stupid, and the lyrics are forced. Look, when you pigeonhole lyrics so that they only ever talk about one specific topic, then the music will naturally be lame. Plus all these Christian bands believe I'm somehow influencing them. That’s not true; I only ever helped one band make it, and that was REO Speedwagon.
C.H.: Really, okay anything else
God: Well, since I'm God, I don't really hate much. I don't really like unleavened bread; I created yeast for a reason. I don't know where the Jews got that idea. Hmmmm, well one surprising fact is that I still have a healthy respect for Lucifer. He has balls, and I'm still smitten with how beautiful I made him. He and I disagree, but contrary to belief, I did not kick him out of heaven. I am God, and I realize simple disagreements should not break up old friendships. Sure, we aren't as close as we used to be, but we are both excited for the new Nintendo Wii and I'm sure he'll be around to play it as soon as I can get one.
C.H.: So you and Satan are friends?
God: Yeah of course, we did not agree over what direction dinosaurs should go. I realized that it was an evolutionary dead end. He urged patience. I eliminated them and he was bitter. We are getting closer though, especially with how ridiculous things are getting on earth.
C.H.: So you don't hate as much as commonly believed?
God: No of course not, I saw you had a photo saying I hated what... Bacon? What?!? I love bacon! I don't know where people get some of the information, but I do see that in order to show the utter importance of your point of view, it is important to make people believe that I have a problem with it. I assure you that many of the things people I say I hate are not true, and if you want to know the truth, I urge you just to ask me.
C.H.: Anything else? Anything that you love?
God: Well, I really love everything, especially Arby's Melts and the movie "The Postman". I think that it was severely underrated. Look, I have spent an eternity trying to make others see that love should be the paramount emotion, and that it should never be ignored in favor of biblical aspects that are irrelevant for modern society.
C.H.: One final question. What do you say to people who don't believe in you?
God: That's a good question. Look faith is what it is. It's not for everyone. I completely understand that it’s a poor excuse for living a Christian, Muslim, or Jewish lifestyle, and I also realize that it’s not for everyone. My only advice is that those who have chosen to accept life as an end in itself also know that it is not their place to dash the hopes of those who need faith to explain their seemingly meaningless existence. For some people it is comforting to believe that good actions will earn just reward and that every thing in life is part of some great cosmic plan. As a result I must also warn against the juxtaposition of personal religious ideas into the wider world. One individual's conception of reality may be different than someone else's. So I would like to finish by urging everyone to follow the "Zinc Rule" and treat others as you would like to be treated. Please stop hating things, unless of course its Christian Pop music, that’s garbage. Oh, and its okay to hate Jon Voight. He's a crappy actor and I really hate looking at his face.
C.H.: Thank you for your time God.
God: No problem, anytime.