Another Brick in the Wall

The purpose of this blog will be nothing more than an update on what I'm doing here in the great nation of Japan. As the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, I have developed a level of comfort which stunts my creative juices, and therefore hinders the creation of original ideas that would otherwise be shared in this forum. So, alas it seems that I am forced to scrounge the bottom of my mind in order to find a topic that is not only interesting to write, but also one that is worth the five minutes needed to read it. Despite this, there does seem to be hope. I have recently started a new job teaching English, and the encounters I will experience promise to add a healthy dose of the ridiculous that will motivate me to seek an audience for mocking the Japanese at their attempts to learn English. As well as this, my constant desire to find new and interesting music will be suitable insurance for any time that the Japanese fail to make a mistake big enough to generate appropriate jokes. It is with this in mind that I intend to share my latest musical taste as well as details about my new occupation.

To begin, I will start with my new job at Nova Group. Last week, I stayed in Okayama so that I could participate in a week long training session. While there, I was the unfortunate victim of an information onslaught that can only be described as a tedious exercise sprinkled with monotonous detail. Upon leaving Okayama, I was positive that my new position would adequately fill the ranks of my previous jobs, and in fact be quite comfortable sitting next to "cashier" and "cook" on my already illustrious resume. This sense of foreboding continued to ferment over two days as I desperately tried placing a positive light on a situation that seemed to be devoid of any advantageous aspect. I dragged myself into work on that first day expecting to be greeted with the same sense of dread and deep seated hatred that had usually accompanied me to work during my days with Wal-Mart. I was surprised to discover that all of my internal debate was rendered obsolete by a rather pleasant experience that not only cleared my conscious of apprehension, but also reignited the spark of teaching that had been extinguished by four grueling years of university work. This new found outlook has not only made my daily trips to work much less strenuous, but it has also improved my general mood. Despite this, there remains a dark part of my soul which continues to whisper about the inevitable moment that my new occupation will join the ranks of Burger King, Subway, Reese Brothers, Wal-Mart, and that lame job at the house factory. I only hope that my negative conscious will be slow in adding Nova to the obstruction that clouds my optimism and forces me to succumb to a seemingly ever present negative view of society.

On a more positive front, I have recently yielded to an almost inevitable event. It is with a proud heart and a clear conscious that I finally come out of the closet and admit that I am a Pink Floyd fan. For many years, I had purposefully avoided this revelation due to all the losers I had met who listed Pink Floyd as one of their favorite bands. I had long equated listening to Pink Floyd as a bi-product of those who wanted to increase their high while on some type of drug, and felt that my urge towards progressive rock could be placated by the phenomenal bands Rush and Yes. Throughout university, I believed these truths to be self evident, and possessed a copy of "Dark Side of the Moon" for the explicit purpose of watching it with "The Wizard of Oz" (in case it ever came up in conversation, I assure you I was not lame enough to just pop it in on a Friday night just to marvel at something that seems to defy coincidence). In any event, my recent conversion must be attributed to the television show "South Park". After reading about the show on wikipedia, I discovered that the inspiration for Cartman's common phrase, "charight you are" was the Pink Floyd song, "Pigs (Three Different Ones)." Out of curiosity I downloaded the song, and was immediately hooked. I quickly acquired the rest of the album, "Animals", and put it on repeat, hoping to absorb every nuance of the brilliant album. Realizing that I could not deny the urge anymore, I opened the flood gates and bought "The Wall", and "Wish You Were Here" (These are obvious albums I know, but I've only begun to reacquaint myself with the band. I will move on to more obscure albums once I'm sure of exactly what I'm looking to take from their music.) While not having the same impact of "Animals", I loved "The Wall", and have decided that this album easily tops The Who's rock operas "Quadrophenia" and "Tommy."(My opinion may be the result of a growing animosity towards "The Who" centered on a personal dislike of Pete Townshend, but I feel that in any case "The Wall" has better songs than "Quadrophenia" and a darker more subtle tone than "Tommy.")

Pink Floyd's rise to prominence in my musical hierarchy was a long time coming. Every time I discover the connecting themes within "The Wall", the moment I hear the sounds and production elaborated on in "Shine on You Crazy Diamond", and even now as I listen to the brilliant complexities inherent in "Animals", I realize that I was mistaken when making the decision to avoid this band for so long. It is with great joy that Pink Floyd will be the next, but far from the last addition to the ever growing list of bands that continue to mold my personality. Their vast musical catalog will be welcome during the long commutes to my new job. It seems that in their own unique ways; both Nova and Pink Floyd are just another brick in the wall.

All Power to the Soviets!

This week I will be in the city of Okayama, receiving instruction as part of the requirements for employment with Nova. As a result of this fact, I felt I would write a quick blog before I left as a way to maintain my consistency. Despite this, I must admit that the desire to remain constant in regards to my blog is not my primary reason for writing. As many of you are undoubtedly aware (or should be!), this Tuesday is the 89th anniversary of one of the most important events in world history. On November 7, 1917, a small political party chose to take power in a decision that set the course for many notable events that shaped the 20th century. In the next few paragraphs, I will focus on some of the causes of the revolution, as well as attempt to relate the effects of the Bolshevik party's leadership in revolutionary Russia. I also plan to briefly reveal how their beliefs and successes impacted our modern lives, as well as address the possibility that their philosophy may still have a hand in influencing our futures.

The world was at war in 1917, and Russia had chosen to involve itself in the hope of receiving glory and riches. Unfortunately, poor leadership by Tsar Nicholas II coupled with harsh treatment by landowners and business leaders had created squalor and hardship throughout the countryside. The soldiers, the peasants, and members of the working class had long suffered under the yoke of people living decadent lifestyles at their expense, and the war only intensified the feelings of discontent. When the winter of 1916-17 resulted in yet another famine, the people rose up and forced the Tsar to abdicate. The power vacuum opened the door for hundreds of politicians and revolutionaries to return to the country after years of forced exile abroad. A Provisional Government composed of many who supported capitalism was initially created to the pleasure of many foreign governments and businessman. The result was a state lead by aristocrats who continued the war aims of the Tsar and businessman who viewed the revolution as a perfect opportunity for financial gain in the future. The common people saw the contradiction between the goals of the new government and their own dreams, and began to look to the small Bolshevik Party as the only hope for true change.

The Bolshevik Party had two major leaders that set the stage for what transpired in November. Vladimir Lenin had created the Bolshevik party in 1903. The party promoted the idea that capitalism only helped a small part of the population, and that the majority of people were being exploited for the gain of a vast minority. Lenin claimed that only socialism was capable of giving universal equality in the economic, political, and social realms. Lenin's argued that only hard work and fervent belief in a world revolution could create this change. His trust in the necessity of revolution as the only means for transforming Russia had fueled his thinking, and he was justifiably motivated to double his efforts after the Tsar's removal. He was joined in this endeavor by Leon Trotsky. Trotsky was a leading theoretician and revolutionary who joined the Bolsheviks shortly after returning to Russia in 1917. He was a master orator who skillfully utilized his words the fill the people with a sense of hope that had been squashed by the Provisional Government. Many of his theories would be utilized by the party, and his tireless work ethic allowed him to become one of the most prominent and admired leaders in Russia. The two revolutionaries were joined by a cadre of like minded individuals who had spent their lives working toward the goal of allowing the Russian people the opportunity to attain their true potential. The stage was set for the October Revolution (so called because the Russian {Julian} calendars listed the day as October 25th, while European and American {Gregorian} calendars listed it as November 7th).

One of the major platforms espoused by the Bolsheviks was the phrase "All Power to the Soviets". A "soviet" was a congress of common people chosen to represent their brethren. "Soviets" could be found in many major cities and were seen as more reliable than the Provisional Government because they could actually discuss issues directly relevant to the concerns of the majority of the population. The Bolshevik support of these congresses showed their belief in democracy as well as giving them the overwhelming support of many city dwellers (their support in the countryside was less). On November 7th, Bolshevik supporters lead by Trotsky, stormed the Winter Palace (the building where the Provisional Government met) and declared the formation of the first socialist country.

What happened later is a story to long to relate in this forum. The high ideals and hope of the revolution descended into despair due to numerous unforeseen hardships. Foreign intervention (by Great Britain, U.S.A., and France) as well as Civil War resulted in bringing the Soviet Government to the brink of destruction. The death of Lenin from a stroke in 1924 and the rise of Joseph Stalin who subsequently proceeded to kill many of the brilliant leaders of the revolution, (including Trotsky in 1940) caused the Soviet Union to veer away from its original ideals. The corruption and lack of democracy that existed under Stalin's regime allowed for many of those who were threatened by the original ideas promoted by the revolution to conclude that true equality was nothing more than an unattainable delusion. Despite this, the Soviet Union's existence set the stage for the rest of the history of the 20th century. The U.S.S.R (Union of Soviet Socialist Republics) was one of the primary players in the allied victory in World War II and the resulting Cold War. The collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991 ended the corrupted dream of its creators. Many in the west hailed the end of the U.S.S.R. as the triumph for freedom and capitalism. It was this victory that cleared the way for the oppressed people living within the former Soviet Union to finally breathe the air of capitalism's freedom.

The end of the Soviet Union was heralded by the rest of the world as fundamental proof of the ultimate correctness of capitalism, as well verification of the deficiencies inherent in socialism. While this argument is convenient to those who fear the implications of fully functioning socialist state, the question remains. Will socialism or something like it ever exist? To be sure, anyone with a passing knowledge of Marxism knows that the social and economic conditions he described as being ripe for socialism were non-existent in the countries where it was implemented (i.e. Russia, China, Cuba, North Korea, Vietnam, etc.). With this in mind, it is also important in my opinion to disregard some of the antiquated aspects of Marxism, and instead focus on the fundamentals, notably class struggle and dialectical materialism. By using these principles and extrapolating ideas based on the economic and social conditions of today, it is possible for numerous scenarios to emerge. In conclusion, I urge everyone to take my advice and become involved in the events that shape our world. Even if you don't accept all or any tenets of Marxism, the important thing is to use your intellect, and involve yourself in the continued improvement of our species. Marx once said that, "Philosophers have only interpreted the world, the point, however, is to change it." Regardless of the past and future faults of the Bolsheviks, it is important to note one thing. On November 7, 1917, they believed they were about to change the world and usher in a period of truth, justice, and total equality. I only hope that we can someday replicate that example and be successful. We just need to take that first step.

The End is Near: Japan's New Attempt at Global Domination

A few months ago, I visited the city of Osaka to interview for a job within the country of Japan. While walking through the metro system, I noticed a picture of the band KISS, with the slogan "We Need KISS." I found this statement to be a universal truth and decided to write about it in a blog titled "A Day in Osaka." Since my enlightenment, I had grown to appreciate the wise beliefs of the Japanese, with no indication of the sinister undertones which lay dormant underneath the surface of an apparently genuine love of KISS. Unfortunately, my naivety had caused me to overlook the truth behind Japan's call for a KISS inspired society. As a result of my new found knowledge, I will devote this blog to the exposure of Japan's militant plans, as well as warning against the possible negative effects unleashed on the world if the Japanese plan is allowed to commence unhindered.

Two days ago, while visiting Osaka in order to finalize my plans for a job in Japan, I was walking through the very same tunnel that I had seen the original KISS poster. Hoping to gain inspiration from seeing the picture again, I eagerly awaited the moment when it would be in front of me. My shock and horror at seeing the updated photo is hard to express in words. The inspirational phrase that I believed had been meant for the entire human race was replaced with the words, "We Need Kiss Japan!" While this statement could be possibly ignored as nationalist propaganda, it was the picture in the right corner that caused a horrible feeling of foreboding to engulf my soul. The image I am referring to is none other than Godzilla. I recoiled in shock upon realizing what the poster implied. The danger to world security that a successful collaboration between Godzilla and KISS pose is incalculable, especially if it is the service of one nation. I understand that in times like these, with the nuclear threat posed by North Korea, as well as the specter of world terrorism, many may argue that the Japanese are using the KISS-Godzilla alliance as a necessary defense tool. It is to these claims that I charge that those who defend the Japanese on this endeavor, are nothing more than tools of hawkish politicians in Tokyo. In order to hammer home the immediacy of the problem, I wish to illustrate the possible repercussions of the successful implementation of this unholy alliance through predictions extrapolated from the past records of both KISS and Godzilla.

Godzilla is known throughout the world as a destructive menace created by the very same nuclear weapons that the Japanese hope to thwart with the monster. His past annihilation of Tokyo and the mass loss of life resulting from his frequent rampages are more frightening than any alleged weapon of mass destruction in Iraq, Iran, or North Korea. How the Japanese somehow harnessed this power is anyone's guess, but many scholars argue that the control is limited and is in fact partly due to the creature’s love of the rock band KISS. On the other hand, the musical group called by some as the "greatest band in the world", pose a nearly equal threat to the planet. KISS's music has been considered detrimental to young people by the greatest minds of the religious and conservative right, a group famous for being selflessly driven and thoroughly informed. Along with the effect on the youth, KISS also maintains a strong influence on older generations. One of the most jarring facts about the band is that it has historically maintained a standing army. The legendary "KISS army" has strict allegiance to the band and can be found in every trailer park and dank basement throughout the American Midwest. All of this coupled with Gene Simmon's notoriously long tongue, and the damage to our hardwood floors perpetrated by the band's famous platform shoes, make KISS just as dangerous as any nuclear weapon. Needless to say, a possible alliance of Godzilla and KISS would form a two pronged attack. Godzilla would destroy our greatest cities and paralyze our infrastructure, while KISS would corrupt our impressionable youth, unleash their army, and lower the resale value of our homes.

I would like to conclude with a final warning. The danger of KISS and Godzilla should not be ignored. Article 9 of the Japanese constitution is conveniently silent about using the KISS army, or Godzilla to promote war. I urge all of you to write to your congressman, senator, president, or prime minister, and relate to them you apprehension concerning Japanese policy. A world with Godzilla and KISS running unhindered could only result in absolute destruction as well as our children being forced to wear KISS paint. Don't wait until it’s too late. I have given you the tools to undermine this threat; it is now up to all of us to do the right thing. Our future and the future of our children are in our hands. We have a world to win.

Apologies and Guilty Pleasures

A week ago, I wrote a post concerning my observations and opinions of Russia. Upon finishing it, I congratulated myself on a job well done, and retired to my bed to consider the words of wisdom I had so cleverly placed within those few paragraphs. Despite my obviously amazing work, there was one aspect about the blog that bothered me, that kept eating at me throughout the night. The pain began to engulf me and it was at that moment that I knew, that the little lie I had sewn into my words would consume me. Throughout the night, I battled my conscious, and by morning I was a shell of the man who had written the blog only hours before. In my weakness, I decided to seek condolence from the internet through my email. It was then that I noticed a message from my friend Jesse. Hoping that his words would cheer me up, I opened it only to be faced with a shocking condemnation of my lie. His words struck a cord in me, and I knew that I could not live with the falsity I had spread. Therefore, I humbly throw myself on the mercy of my readers when I confess this simple truth. I have liked and still like songs by the band Bon Jovi. As a result of this confession, I wish to air the truth about my acceptance of Bon Jovi as a musical entity, as well reveal other musical guilty pleasures. I believe that only after all of my musical demons have been exorcised, will it be possible for me to find peace among my friends, and the music that I like that doesn't suck.

First, I would like to clear the air about Bon Jovi. I have never purchased a Bon Jovi album. Like all middle class Caucasians, I was issued a copy of "Crossroads", their greatest hits album. I thoroughly enjoy the album, but I won't lie to you when I say that I do get a pleasure out of knowing I didn't give money to Bon Jovi. Of course my possession of a bootleg version of "Crossroads" is not the most difficult part of my confession. It is with a heavy heart that I admit to previously owning a legitimate copy of Bon Jovi's album "Crush", released in 2000. I genuinely enjoyed the single, "Its My Life", and publicly announced a desire to own its corresponding album. My good friend Ric reluctantly purchased a copy for me for my birthday. Despite this nauseating fact, I am proud to report that I traded it back for a better album later. I would also like to say that I did not like any of the other songs on the album. My only excuse is that I got so caught up in hating Bon Jovi due to the overall lameness of the music and their fans, that I denied my own affection for some of their songs. Despite this, I would like to assure everyone that I never owned a copy of the film, "Young Guns", and that I watched "Pay it Forward" due to the content of the message, and not due to Jon's cameo.

The healing that I feel has begun to engulf my soul, can only be complete after I offer everyone a list of all my guilty pleasures. For those of you with weak stomachs or working ears, it may prudent to skip the rest of this paragraph.
--Fleetwood Mac, especially the song "Go Your Own Way"
--Lionel Richie, especially the song "Dancing on the Ceiling" (The most listened to song this year according to my Ipod.)
--Foreigner, especially the song "Cold As Ice"
--Asia, "Heat of the Moment"
--Electric Light Orchestra, especially the song "Telephone Booth"
--Dima Bilan, the song "Never Let You Go" (This is a Russian Pop song, I pray to God nightly that I only like this because I'm nostalgic about Russia, nightly.)
--Lordi, especially the song "Rock and Roll Hallelujah" (I'm not really ashamed about his one, but take one look at the band and you will know why I listed it.)

I believe that is all for the moment. I would like to conclude by apologizing once more for the pain and grief that my confessions undoubtedly have caused you all. I know that your faith in my musical taste must be shaken, but I promise to do all that I can to regain your trust. In the mean time, I plan to wallow in my own shame to the tune of "You Give Love a Bad Name."

Reminiscences From the North

As many of you are aware, I spent three interesting months last spring in the great city of Moscow in the northern paradise known as Russia. Now that I have been removed from the country for the last four months, I'm beginning to reevaluate my time there. As a result of this introspective pursuit, I've been able to better appreciate the little nuances of Russian life as little bits of genius. Now many may argue that my new found enlightenment might be the result of a growing frustration with Japanese customs and culture. I would respond to my critics by reminding them that I've always hated Japanese culture (with the notable exception of violent porn comics, I'm only human), and that therefore they should applaud my new found clairvoyance. With this in mind, I felt it was my duty to share with the world the details of my conversion, by revealing everything I've come to know and love about the Russians and their city of Moscow.

There are many things about Russia that don't have a place here. Everyone has heard about the beautiful and efficient metro, their amazing architecture, and fascinating history. My goal is to describe the better parts of Russia. First, I would like to applaud their ability to compensate for the extremes of their climate by creating 20 foot snow drifts without adequate drainage for when it melts. The joy of walking through a constant mud puddle while the snow was melting was a wonderful experience. I would also like to encourage Russian drivers to continue their policy of driving their cars directly into the puddles in order to splash anyone nearby. I quite enjoyed the 4 foot high wave of mud coming towards me on my way to school. Second, I wanted to encourage the people of Moscow to continue their policy of combating the evil that is the sidewalk. For too long, sidewalks have made themselves available to us so that we don't have to walk in the street. The Russian strategy of parking cars and heavy machinery on every inch of this menace has insured that not only will the sidewalk be unable to maintain its intended task as pedestrian thoroughfare, but it has also made it possible for sections of the hated footpath to crumble into concrete dust.

The third aspect of Moscow I would like to discuss concerns their conception of celebration. Seventy years of totalitarian rule would exhaust anyone, and therefore I would like to first congratulate the Russian people for being in a country that is almost identical to the old Soviet Union, only now, they have been relieved of the burden that was their pension. The birth of democratic Russia has allowed the Russian people to use their new found "freedom" to express joy at the gifts of capitalism through violence and deception. The distrust shown with every financial transaction, the $1 packs of cigarettes, and $5 bottles of vodka show a society which is no way trying to escape from a life that is being improved daily by the introduction of the free market. This coupled with the destruction that resonates throughout a soccer stadium following a victory, and the intrinsic knowledge of how much money constitutes a reasonable bribe is a ringing endorsement of the capitalist system in its raw embryonic phase. I would also like to applaud the Russian leadership. They rewarded the Russian people's fervent optimism and belief in a better tomorrow during the fall of the Soviet Union with the type of excess that a post-revolutionary society could not possibly afford. The 308-foot statue of Peter the Great standing on an undersized boat and the gilded behemoth that is the "Church of Christ the Savior" stand as beacon for the inefficiencies of bureaucracy as well as a reminder that the temporal houses of God are more important than food for his children.

Unfortunately, all of Russia's finer points aren't as trivial as those mentioned above. It is with a heavy heart that I reveal the sad truth about the fate of the Russian people. The fate that befell on us in the late 1980’s has fallen on them, but now in a "maximum" form. Yes, it’s true; apparently people are aware of the existence of Bon Jovi. I report this with utter sorrow, as I have worked all my life to slow the proliferation of his music, but alas, I have failed. The truth has hit Russia hard, but if they can overcome the Mongols, Napoleon, and the Nazi's, I believe that just maybe, they can beat this new terror.

In conclusion, I would like to reiterate my love for Russia. I miss it dearly everyday, and despite its aforementioned Bon Jovi infestation, I feel like there is no place I would rather be. The three months I was there were amazing. I showered daily with a pine tree and watched a man sleep only in black briefs while I ate my breakfast. What more could I want? I personally can not wait until I'm given the opportunity to again stroll through the streets of Moscow avoiding mud waves and witnessing the next gross imposition the Russian leadership imposes on its resilient population.

Hard Gay: Japan's Answer To Stereotyping

Stereotyping is an unfortunate side-effect of a majority of people attempting to understand a minority that appears strange to them. While many cultures have made efforts to combat this phenomenon, the unfortunate truth is that stereotyping exists and proliferates with no foreseeable end. Throughout history, the homosexual community has been the victims of stereotyping. Many people's impressions of how homosexuals interact with other people is almost always much different than the way they truthfully live. The frequently heard stereotype is that gay people are normal participants in the order of life. Many believe that they do not act differently from you or me and that they are in fact, not sexual deviants. Some stereotypes imply that they are capable of the same moral standards that we all live by. Finally, some people believe that they are equal in everyway, and therefore should not be singled out for any reason. It’s hard to believe that people still cling to such antiquated views. Despite this, I am proud to report that nation of Japan has made some rather impressive strides towards defeating this myth. Through the national icon "Hard Gay", the Japanese people are beginning to understand the truth behind homosexuals in their community, one pelvic thrust at a time...

Since first appearing on the scene under the guise of a comedian, Hard Gay has been fighting against the profiling of homosexuals. Wearing his trademark leather vest, hat, and hot pants, Hard Gay has shown us that not all homosexuals choose to assimilate into their native cultures by wearing modest attire. It must be noted that Hard Gay's affinity for dancing (most often to the soothing beats of Ricky Martin's "Livin' La Vida Loca") and spinning prove that gay men are incapable of living without over-the-top theatrics. Also, Hard Gay's selfless acts of "charity" for people on the street, whether it be preparing delicious dishes for children, or working at a noodle restaurant, demolish the common belief that gay people seldom support openly liberal causes. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, Hard Gay has re-introduced the world to the wonders of the "pelvic thrust". While many attribute the popularity of the thrust in America as part the Wayne's World craze of the early 1990's, some attribute Hard Gay with introducing its beautiful rhythm to the Japanese audience. As a result of his efforts, Hard Gay has benefited many homosexuals by utilizing his lightning fast pelvic thrusts to prove once and for all that those belonging to the homosexual community are incapable of going through life without engaging in overtly sexual behavior.

In conclusion, I would like to thank Hard Gay for all of his achievements, as well as call for increased efforts to include homosexuals into our community free of stereotypes. In my opinion, the easiest way to do this is by including some of Hard Gay's actions into the daily lives of all heterosexuals. It is my belief that we should all begin to wear leather hot pants, vests and aviator sun glasses. When talking to a friend, feel free to include a pelvic thrust or two (or three, or four) to emphasize an especially strong point. Do a dance when you’re happy or even if you are sad! Also, and this is the most important, we must act like we have some underground sexual fetish that stops us from effectively assimilating into modern society. Only after we have accomplished these tasks, will it be possible for homosexuals to truly find acceptance in mainstream culture. I just hope that Hard Gay's efforts have not been wasted. Although, the leather chaps in my closest tell me his success is just beginning.

Tales From Home Pt. 2: The "Jesse Moonsault"

Due to a relatively boring week in Japan, I have decided to revisit my home town and reveal yet another story about my life growing up in rural Pennsylvania. Before I start though, I would like to give an update based on my last entry. It appears that my love of Cage is not an isolated phenomenon. The movie channel that I watch in Japan, Movies Plus, has what appears to be a "Cage month" marathon of movies from different points in Cage's career going on throughout October. This might be a frightening but gratifying coincidence, or the Japanese and I finally have something in common. I will keep you all informed about how the Cage marathon transpires.

My time in Pennsylvania gave me a ton of stories to muse over as my life continued away from home. In the first part of this series, I discussed Moulin and his brownie, while only briefly commenting on the other friend Jesse. Like I previously mentioned, Jesse loved to eat peas, and only spoke in broken "Simpsons" quotes. He also styled himself as an "athlete", since he played baseball, and therefore he worked out frequently and refused any clothing above the waist. It was with this implied athletic ability that the stage was set for one of the most embarrassing moments in his life, the "Jesse Moonsault."

While Jesse insists that the story that I'm about to tell happened differently, the version that I will relate has been corroborated by my friend Ric, another witness to the forthcoming event. It all happened on a bright sunny day at Jesse's house. My friend Ric and I had been discussing how we could help solve world hunger. Jesse as if to spite us, had just consumed a massive amount of peas, in the hope of discouraging our noble venture. The three of us decided that a nice way to ease the tension and beat the summer heat would be by taking a dip in Jesse's pool. Jesse thought that this would be "excellent" (in a Mr. Burns voice) and so we all proceeded to prepare ourselves for a refreshing swim. Naturally, Jesse wasn't wearing a shirt and therefore he only had to change shorts. He beat us outside and started doing pull-ups to show us how strong he was. We politely complimented him and then hopped into the pool. The water was chilly, but refreshing and we were adequately relaxed in no time. After a few minutes Ric and I decided to do summersaults and moonsaults (backwards summersaults) into the pool. Jesse, his vanity reaching untold of proportions was doing push-ups over a bottle of sun tan lotion. Through our fun we could hear him reaching exaggerated numbers, "977, 978, 979." We sighed and asked him if there was anything we could do for him. We even offered to pay for the use of the pool. Jesse sneered, and said he would not take money from such weaklings. Instead, he offered an athletic competition. Ric, showing all humility said, "But Jesse, you are very strong and there is no way we could ever beat you." Jesse let out a large laugh, and said, "I saw you doing those backwards summersaults! You pansies could only do one flip; I bet I could do four before ever hitting the water!" We looked at our feet, and I said, "Jesse, It’s really hard to do. You have never done it before. Please we don't want you to get hurt, don't try it!" He only looked at me and put on his athletic gear, which in this case apparently consisted of a cowboy hat and a suede jacket (as can be proven by the authentic photograph above). He turned around and looked us and said, "This is so easy, of course I can do it. Gosh! You are such a bunch of wusses!" At this moment he lunged himself backwards, and far from doing even one flip, he fell backward with a force not seen in the Kennerdell region in years. Ric and I, concerned for Jesse's welfare, jumped in the water to help him. We pulled him back onto the porch, and he regained consciousness. Jesse then stood up, and had a surprisingly triumphant look on his face. "Hahahah, I fooled you guys! Did you see that awesome reverse belly flop I did?" Confused, Ric and I stared at him and meekly said, "Jesse, you said you could do a moonsault, but you didn't make it, we were concerned." Jesse looked at us and with anger in his eyes said, "If you tell anyone what happened this day I will squash you two like bugs. From now on, we will all say that I was really hesitant about doing it, and that you guys laughed at me when I failed." He continued by saying, "also, according to my story I am always nice, I don't eat as many peas as you say, and I let you over here because I enjoy your company and not because my mother makes delicious brownies!" We agreed, and since then, the true story has been overshadowed by Jesse's lie.

I felt that now was the time to express what really happened. Now that I live in Japan, far from Jesse's wrath, I can now tell the truth about what happened. I also do this because I'm concerned for Jesse's fiancée. She is a very nice girl, and if she knew the truth about him, it’s possible she would have never given him a chance. I hope that this story opens up others who are victims of Jesse's threats, and allows a culture of honesty to prevail. Only through time, can events like the "Jesse Moonsault" and other wrongs be remedied. The "Jesse Moonsault", is just the beginning. Former and current Jesse friends, you have a world to win. You have nothing to lose but your shame; Jesse's friends throughout the world unite!

The Cage Trilogy...Brilliance on Film

As I continue my stay in Japan, I become more and more enamored with some of the aspects of American life that I took for granted while living at home. Now, I understand that the outside perspective I have acquired gives me a warped view of many features of American culture that I would dislike if I was still in country. Despite this, there are some things that I loved at home, and that upon constant reflection, I still love here. One of the main examples is actor Nicolas Cage. His recent blemish aside, ("World Trade Center", which I didn't see, and for Cage's sake, I won't); Cage has starred in some of the greatest movies ever put on film. Listing all of his films accolades would be incredibly time consuming for just one blog, so instead I'm going to focus on his great action trilogy of the mid nineties. The "Cage Trilogy" included the three great films of "The Rock", "Con Air", and "Face Off".


I will begin with "The Rock". "The Rock" is a quaint little tale about a group of disaffected soldiers who feel betrayed by their government. They decide the only way to relate their grievance to the proper authorities is by taking over Alcatraz Island. Thus, they use their expert military skills to steal some poison gas and take everyone visiting the island hostage. Despite the brilliance of the plan's execution, and the forgone knowledge that taking prisoners always results in a favorable settlement for the hostage takers, the government hesitates to acquiesce to the demands of the soldiers. Instead they call in chemical weapons specialist Nicolas Cage (called Stanley Goodspeed in this film) and former prison inmate and British secret agent, Sean Connery. What results is a hilarious trek for our two heroes through the dark tunnels beneath the prison. Connery continually antagonizes Cage, who in brilliant fashion utters lines like... "Cut the chit-chat, A-hole!" and "How in the name of Zeus butthole, did you get out of your cell!" Connery, as if in awe of Cage's brilliant acting begins to listen to Cage, especially after Cage talks about the dangers of the poison gas that is present on the island. Everything gets resolved after Cage dismantles the missiles the soldiers have set up. The climax of the movie shows Cage stabbing himself in the heart with a syringe, then running out with flares to stop jets from napalming the island. He is unfortunately a little late, and the bomb blast throws Cage into the ocean, where he is saved by Connery. (Cage being thrown in the air by a blast is the trademark end to all three movies) Cage and Connery separate with mutual respect, and Cage bravely covers for Connery. Brilliant movie.


The second movie I will be discussing is "Con Air", possibly my favorite movie in the trilogy. In this movie Cage is the incarcerated former U.S. Ranger Cameron Poe. Cage's dead on southern accent is breathtaking, and he uses it to perfection when he is placed on an airplane full of convicts. Cage was imprisoned for a crime of passion (as if there is any other type of crime that Cage would commit!) and he has recently won parole. He boards the plane with his diabetic friend, on a trip to see his wife and daughter. The excitement evident in Cage's eyes at the prospect of seeing his daughter is displayed throughout the movie by his tenacity when fighting other prisoners for the stuffed bunny he plans to give his daughter. The criminals, (notably John Malkovich and Ving Rhames), take over the plane and call it Con-Air. They plan to fly to South America and party. Cage is noticeably shaken up by what transpires, but after someone breaks his friend's insulin bottles, he knows he can't leave. Cage attempts to thwart the criminal's plans, all the while delivering brilliant lines like, "Johnny: You know what I am?!? Cage: Ugly all day." The rest of the movie has John Malkovich uttering lines that are barely understandable to a majority of the audience as well as numerous fights over the bunny. (Cage famously demands one prisoner to "put the bunny in the box" during one scene, when the prisoner does not oblige, Cage kills him.) The movie ends with the plane crashing into Las Vegas and Cage and Malkovich fighting across the city. Eventually Cage gets blown away from a runaway fire truck and Malkovich gets his head smashed by a concrete crusher. Cage, with a cut or two on his face collects himself and offers the bunny to his daughter. She gratefully accepts the gift.


Finally, the last movie in the trilogy is the fantastic film, "Face/Off". This movie is notable because Cage plays first Castor Troy and later Sean Archer. The major weak point of this film is the box office poison that is John Travolta. It is impossible not to see the brilliance of Cage especially when standing beside the blackhole of acting talent that is Travolta. The movie starts with Cage being a really cool villain. He walks around almost perpetually in slow motion sexually harassing young girls while brandishing two guns. Eventually, he is captured by Travolta and they take Cage's face off and put it on Travolta. When Cage finds out that he doesn't have a face he begrudgingly accepts to use Travolta's by claiming that he "wants to take his face... off. Eyes, nose, skin, teeth. It's coming off." Afterwards, Travolta and Cage fight it out, with Cage forced to take the sniveling lines that Travolta's character usually used. There are massive fights with Travolta trying desperately to ruin the movie by saying thing like "Ohhhhhhhhweeee, you good-lookin." Shutter. Anyway, Travolta and Cage eventually end up fighting on a boat, the boat then crashes to the shore and explodes, throwing Cage onto the beach. The end is a little bitter-sweet, because you get to see Cage kill Travolta, but later you realize it's the other way around, and Travolta gets his face back. Anyway, it's still a good movie, because Cage is in it.

In conclusion, I would urge all of you to go out in rent a Cage flick. They are all brilliant, and my previous post is just scratching the surface. I recently watched "The Weather Man" (very funny) and "Lord of War" (another good Cage flick, which almost got me in trouble when I asked for "Man of War" {a great Kentucky Derby Winner} and received a ticket to the Eugene Levy and Samuel L. Jackson movie "The Man". I fortunately escaped before ever having to lay eyes on that piece of garbage.) I would also like to turn everyone's attention to a new Cage flick coming out in February called, "Ghost Rider". This looks like one of the greatest Cage flicks yet. He plays a flaming skeleton riding a flaming motorcycle! I can't wait to see it!

A New Direction for Popular Music

Throughout history, music has made giant leaps in its constant evolution thanks to special talents that continue to stand the test of time. In 1957, Elvis Presley properly introduced the world to Rock and Roll on the Ed Sullivan Show. In 1964, The Beatles landed and New York, beginning the British Invasion that would rule popular music throughout the Sixties. In 1983 Michael Jackson moonwalked for the first time and in 1991 Nirvana broke into the mainstream and introduced the world to "grunge". Despite all these achievements, many will argue that they are just improvements of earlier styles, and that the music has failed to be truly revolutionary. All that would change in 2003 when a a force unknown in the history of music emerged. His presence guaranteed that the previous trends of peaceful evolution in music would come to a screeching halt.

Macho Man Randy Savage has been known for many things. His professional wrestling skills are the stuff of legend, and many observers list his tenure as a Slim Jim spokesman as one of the greatest acting performances in history. Despite these accomplishments, Savage's musical talents were mysteriously ignored. In 1993, he was given the opportunity to showcase his ability with a one track debut on Wrestlemania: The Album. The Song, "Speaking From The Heart" sounds to the modern ear, to be a triumph musically and lyrically. Examples of some of the groundbreaking lyrics include, "soaring with the eagles and slithering with the snakes, I've been everywhere in between, I am your friend, I'm the Macho Man Randy Savage" as well as, "I will always be with you, yeah, the moon, the stars, Venus, Pluto, Saturn,yeah. Looking down, covering all bases, Dig It!" Despite the songs obvious genius, Macho Man's input was overlooked as a result of the promotion for some of the other tracks on the album. It was this failure of the music industry to properly expose Savage's unique gift, that caused the world to be free of Macho Man's musical brilliance until the groundbreaking year of 2003.

October 7, 2003 is remembered by many political historians as the day of the famous California recall that cleared to road for Arnold Schwarzenegger to become America's greatest politician. Unfortunately, many forget to note that it was also the day that music was changed forever. It was on this day that Savage released the album "Be a Man". This album is from beginning to end, brilliant. The title track, "Be a Man", is a thought provoking challenge to Hulk Hogan for a fight. With lyrics like, "Hollywood Hulkster, you are at the end of your rope, and I'm gonna kick you in the butt and wash your mouth out with soap," it is not surprising that a justifiably frightened Hulk Hogan has not responded. Other tracks include "I'm back", where Savage thanks his "crew" for making such a brilliant album. Of all the brilliant tracks on "Be a Man", The keystone song is a tune written for late wrestler "Mr. Perfect" Curt Henning. The tear jerking hip-hop hit with heart wrenching lyrics like "his greatness was so obvious...he straightened up a locker room" is especially relevant because prior to his death Henning had publicly professed a hatred of rap.

The release of the album created a buzz that has yet to die down. Reviews of the album at the time of the release were justifiably phenomenal. Dan Aquilante of the New York Post was so blown away by the musical structure of the album, while at the same time sucked in by Savage's pertinent lyrics that he could not stay silent. He wrote that the album, "defies the laws of physics by blowing and sucking at the same time." This review, as well as many others, expressed the popular view that the album rocked modern conceptions of what was good in the world.

Almost three years later, "Be a Man" is standing the test of time. Many music lovers still bring up the album frequently when talking about the highs and lows in the music industry. In conclusion, anyone who loves music and has not had the privilege to listen to Savage are unreasonably denying themselves one of the greatest pleasures of life. Finally, for those who are still uncertain about listening to Savage, I think that it would be safe to rest my case by letting Macho Man's music speak for itself. "Get your heart a pumpin, he gets the party startin...everybody's saying, he's really quite amazing, he's the Macho Man, Dig it!"

-Todd

Americans! Come Together This September!

I can't imagine that anyone could forget where they were and what they were doing when they first heard the news about what was transpiring on that day in September. I don't have to remind you what I'm talking about, as I'm sure that many of you feel the same emotions every September. I can only hope that the following words will adequately express my emotions concerning that day, as well as help others by revealing the truth about what I experienced when I first learned about the horrible reality of the situation.

I remember that day just like it was yesterday. At the time I was working a dead end job and I felt that my life was going nowhere. The day it happened, I had just dragged myself in for another exhausting shift when I was told the startling news. The revelation took my breath away and I was forced to sit and fully absorb something that I was in no way prepared for. I asked my co-worker again if it could possibly be true. He reiterated his earlier statement, tears filling his eyes. He continued by adding that he had been totally unaware of the magnitude of the situation until it was too late. In a state of denial I rushed to the internet. To my horror, every news site had published the same shocking truth. I sat back and tried to think about how it could be possible that something this big could be overlooked. It was at that moment that I noticed my co-worker beginning to panic. He said that his grandparents were in New York, and that he had no way of contacting them. I tried to calm him, but my mind was on my own grandparents who lived in Pennsylvania, not far from Pittsburgh. I asked my manager for leave and raced home just in time to see my sister calmly eating lunch. When I told my sister what I knew, her face turned white and she quickly began preparing for the worst. I decided that I needed to know if my grandparents were all right. I made the long trip down to their house. When I arrived, I was relieved to find them both fine. They greeted me cordially and allowed me to reveal what I had discovered. In response, they justifiably bemoaned the lack of vigilance my generation had shown by letting such a monumental failure of intelligence and foresight occur. I knew they were right, and I went to sleep that night telling myself that I would never forget the sacrifice all those people made. I knew that they must be celebrated and I promised that I would keep the anniversary present in everyone's mind so that no one would ever forget.

As I conclude, I want to remind everyone not to forget National Grandparents Day this September 10. My ignorance caused me to forget such an important day, but together as a nation, we can ensure that all Grandparents throughout the country will be honored on this hallowed day. It is important to remember that a person's grandparents are pillars of our society. Without a Grandfather teaching you about fishing, stamps, and other things that happened in his time, how would we ever get away from things we really want to be doing? And without a Grandmother baking cookies, driving slowly, and mending our spirits on a bad day, how could we possibly acquire things against our parents wishes? We must not under any circumstance let these twin towers of society collapse. Their fall would signal the end of the American style of life that we have grown to love. In conclusion I urge us to come together this National Grandparents Day and remember all those former Grandparents who so courageously gave their lives due to their advanced years. Wave the American flag for your Grandparents this September! For every flag I see, I will know another Grandparent won't be forgotten.

-Todd

A Day in Osaka

Recently I had to travel to the great industrial city of Osaka for a job interview. I spent a grand total of one day there, but despite the short length, I believe I saw all that needed to be seen. Many will ask me how I could believe that I had experienced everything the city had to offer in such a short time. To my critics, I would respond by asking them to turn their attention to the pictures below.

After the first part of my interview, I decided to eat at the local Subway establishment. Ever since my high school days and my employment at a Subway restaurant, I have always had a soft spot in my heart for a 12' Roast Chicken on White bread. I also remembered eating at a Japanese Subway while in Tokyo, and I desperately wanted to see the sub that I have mused about since first discovering it last December. The sub in question is the BLT Dog. Yes, the restaurant chain that helped Jared loose all that weight through its healthy eating choices has given the Japanese consumer a hot dog wrapped in bacon. I had eaten the BLT Dog once in my life, and found it lackluster, but I could not go one more day without showing the world the image the Japanese person must face when choosing a lunch option. Of course many of the other typical Subway choices were available, (except for Roast Chicken, damn you BLT Dog!), so I chose the Subway Club. I had a delicious lunch while carefully scanning the other patrons to see if they had picked the BLT Dog. I was surprised to find zero instances where the sub had been chosen. What about the above picture could be unappetizing!?! Eat Fresh indeed.

Finally, after my interview (which was successful), I journeyed through Osaka's elaborate and expensive metro system. Now, before I go on further, I must express my love for the world's greatest rock band, KISS. Any band that can wear makeup, use theatrics, and dabble in disco, so that the unsuspecting listener won't discover the truth behind their actual musical ability is okay with me! I love KISS! In fact, I'm KISS Army member 1! Yes, I somehow am the first fan despite the band existing long before I was born. If I had to rank the Top 10 bands, 1-9 would be KISS, with #10 probably going to KISS anyway! Okay! So now, I was walking through the tunnel when I stumbled upon the truest statement I have ever witnessed. I looked and saw many children dressed like the usual KISS members. You know Star Child, Demon, and the other two. To their right the statement, "We need KISS". Tears came to my eyes as I pondered the universal truth of this statement. I realized that all I had said about the Japanese was wrong. They were truly enlightened! I had attacked their food, their climate, their film, their music, and their game shows, but now I knew the truth. I was wrong. After seeing this I promised myself that I would be more Japanese. I immediately ordered raw squid and ate it while watching men dressed as babies ride tricycles for prizes. Thank You KISS! Once again you have shown me the error of my ways, and now I can continue my path working towards your greater glory.

-Todd

Tales From Home Pt.1: Here's Your Brownie!

As I sat here on a sweltering night in Daito Japan, I became a little nostalgic for the good old days of high school while living in Rockland, Pennsylvania. Now don't get me wrong, high school and the area that I grew up in really suck, and the last thing I would ever want to do is relive those tediously boring days. Despite my lack of affection for my hometown, the monotony did have one positive side effect, a large collection of people experiencing the same frustration. As a result of this fact, my friends and I were forced to find new ways to enjoy life in a world lacking of anything to see or do in an 80 mile radius. The things that we did and the stories that were created are still as funny (to us) as they were then. So, now it is my great honor to introduce the world to the Moulin Brownie!

Every group of friends has a one person singled out as the butt of their jokes. We had two. First was Jesse. He is this super good guy who has a penchant for eating peas all day and speaking to us only in broken "Simpson's" quotes. He was also super nice and always stuck up for dumb friend #2. This other friend was simply named Moulin (pronounced Moleeeeeinnnn). This kid was the ultimate goofball. He always wanted to watch "Blues Brothers" due to its famous record of the most car explosions in a movie. (The excitement he showed over "Blues Brothers 2000" is yet another notable blemish on his already shaky resume) He also was famous for dressing up in full body camo while playing games of "Capture the Flag". During the game he would hide in a tree and never come down, even after the game was finished. Moulin believed that our yelling about the game being over was only a clever ruse to find the true location of his hiding tree. There are many more things to mention, but perhaps I'll save that for a future blog. Anyway, one faithful night we were all hanging out at Jesse's house. His mother, perhaps aware that her baking efforts were the sole reason her son had any friends, had just finished cooking a sheet of delicious brownies. We all took our desired brownie, leaving the hard and crusty corner brownie for Moulin. It was at this instant, that my friend Dan, in an act of sheer comedic brilliance said, "Here is your brownie Moulin". As he uttered this famous line, he drove his index finger into the heart of Moulin's already sad excuse for a baked good. Moulin's face went from the usual expression of annoyed confusion, to tragic despair in less than a second. We all laughed quite hard, but Jesse realizing that to laugh at Moulin, was to lose his sole true friend, graciously gave Moulin his own brownie. Of course we all hated Jesse more for ruining the moment, but since none of us gave Moulin our brownie, we didn't mind.

It was a great evening, and one I will never forget. If you ever want to really chuckle at a friends expense, look at his/her face in the midst of ruining their brownie. It's comedic gold. Plus, since nobody could possibly want a brownie that you have fingered up to your first knuckle, the comedic treat is all the more special, because now you have two brownies!
-Todd

The Eternal Revolutionary

Earlier this week, the 66th anniversary of the assassination of Leon Trotsky occurred. While the modern capitalist world can't help but ignore such a seemingly unimportant date, it is necessary to examine the impact that Trotsky and his compatriots had on the world in which they lived, and on the world we live today.

Trotsky was born Lev Brohnstein in the Russian Empire in what is today modern Ukraine. Early in his childhood he showed a precondition toward genius and arrogance. Both of these traits would continue to reveal themselves during his political career as he became more and more enamored with the prospects and promises inherent in Marxism. Trotsky would channel his genius into writing, and was referred as the "pen" among his peers. While his writing was almost universally applauded, his demeanor and inability to appreciate those with a lesser understanding of Marxist philosophy created many enemies, notably the father of Russian Marxism, Georgi Plekhanov.

The 1905 Revolution in Russia would provide a stage for Trotsky's energies, and he was elected head of the St. Petersburg Soviet (worker's congress). The dream of improving the lives of millions of people in a country that many socialists (including non-Marxist) considered the most backward and corrupt government in Europe in need of change, (which says a lot, look at Hohenzollern Germany and its Anti-socialist laws, as well as the Third Republic in France and among other things, the infamous Dreyfus Affair) was destroyed by concessions from bourgeois politicians. This surrender allowed the Tsar to consolidate his power, and keep his strict autocracy intact.

Trotsky would reappear in the national spotlight following the first world war. Russia had fared predictably poorly in its war efforts, and as a consequence the February Revolution of 1917 occurred. Trotsky returned in May, and immediately began his efforts to usher in a Communist Revolution in Russia. In July he joined Lenin's Bolshevik party, and became its most able and convincing orator (another one of his famous talents). When the Bolshevik leadership voted for insurrection, (in a frequent use of democracy inherent in the Bolshevik party since conception and forgotten since by blindly anti-communist historians) Trotsky, not Lenin was given the responsibility of leading the most important revolution in history. Trotsky's success gave him the No. 2 position in the party despite his relative short length of membership. As a result of this success, he was given the post of Commissar (Soviet Russian Minister) of Foreign Affairs. His role in foreign affairs would give him one of his worst defeats. His characteristic arrogance, and faith in the European working class caused him to underestimate German military might, and he refused to sign any peace treaty calling it Bourgeois! While the events of the Brest-Litovsk peace treaty deliberations make fascinating reading, Trotsky's ignorance afforded Germany the opportunity to continue their invasion, and Russia accepted a future peace treaty that incurred enormous loss to the country. (the Brest-Litovsk Treaty was rendered null by the 1919 Treaty of Versailles)

Following this defeat, Trotsky was made Commissar of War. It was in this post that Trotsky, with no prior military training, created the Red Army. He was famous for racing by train over the whole of Russia, encouraging the soldiers again and again in their battle against the counter-revolutionaries and interventionist forces (comprised of the French, British and Americans). Trotsky even personally defended Petrograd (St. Petersburg) on horseback, leading his troops forward against the enemy. Trotsky's surprising and brilliant success in the war made him seem to be the easy choice for Lenin's successor, after the latter's stroke. Despite this, an ambitious party member with intense animosity towards Trotsky intended to take the position.

Joseph Stalin and Trotsky had always shared a mutual dislike, in no part due to Trotsky calling him things like a "yellow blur". Despite this, Trotsky foolishly respected party discipline, and allowed Stalin to gain the reigns of state following Lenin's death. Following a long and vicious power struggle, Trotsky was exiled first to Kazakhstan, and later to Turkey, France, Norway, and finally Mexico. Stalin continued to attack other members of the Bolshevik (now Communist) party following Trotsky's exile. Many of the leaders of the revolution were executed, while Trotsky railed against the excess in the international press. Stalin finally caught up with his nemesis, and on August 20, 1940 Trotsky was attacked by an assassin wielding an ice pick. He died on August 21, 1940.

The impact of Trotsky and the Bolsheviks can not be underestimated. Many of the reforms promoted by Socialist and Communist leaders would be enacted by Bourgeoisie governments in order to avoid the same problems that had occurred in Russia. More importantly, the U.S.S.R., the state that Lenin and Trotsky had created, became one of two superpowers after the Second World War. Many of the technological advances in the late Twentieth Century are the result of a very capitalist competition between the Soviet Union and the United States. I was not able to do justice the the highs and lows of Trotsky's life in this blog. His skill and intelligence helped him become the leader of one of the most feared movements in world history. I only hope the above has whetted your appetites for more in depth information concerning the Soviet Union. I also recommend the exhaustive three-volume biography of Trotsky by Isaac Deutscher, to anyone feeling ambitious. For those of you with a more normal interest in Trotsky, Lenin, and others. I suggest going to Marxists.org. They have tons of free material as well as better written biographies of Trotsky. I encourage everyone to visit!

-Todd

Drop That Zero and Get With the Hero

As I'm settling into my new life here in Japan, I'm continually confronted with the problem of boredom and a genuine desire to experience the comforts of home. As a result of my longing for something that reminds me of home, I visited the local video store and picked up one of the greatest films of all time. The movie was "Cool As Ice", and the tag line that ensured my future rental, "When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice." I knew that a movie who promises me that melting anything involves adding ice, was the film I wanted to spend my Saturday night watching.

The movie was just as I expected. When I first watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze," I quite enjoyed Vanilla's cameo, and even liked "Ninja Rap". Unfortunately, I was 8 years old then, and "Cool As Ice" was 90 minutes of everything I took from that cameo. The viewer is confronted with constant motorcycle driving, frequent shots of Vanilla dancing for no apparent reason, (there is one scene where he just dances in the middle of the street), and some of the most ridiculous dialog I've ever heard, "So what's that like, having parents" and "Kat: I'll see you later. Ice: You are seeing me now." Anyway, it was a good laugh, and Vanilla's clothes are awe inspiring, (his jacket says things like, "Sex me up" and "Oh, Yeah") So, if you are having a boring night, I would suggest "Cool As Ice", its a fantastically bad film, and in the words of Vanilla, "That's the straight up truth."

-Todd

Beware, the BONE KNIFE!

Many moons ago, long before the great spirit had endowed the land to the white man as eternal punishment to the Native American for not being white skinned or accepting narrow views of how to live based on arbitrary laws. There was a legend about an item of such mythical power, that whoever held it would be able to defeat almost anyone who stood in his path. This item is commonly referred to as the "Bone Knife", a simple tool allegedly made from a walrus tusk, but most likely cow bone. It was used by the Inuit when they built the first igloo, by the Iroquois when they created their historic confederation, and is commonly thought to be the cause of the drastic decline in the Mohican population. Despite it seemingly infinite power, the Native American bartered away this precious item as part of the agreement allowing them the right to be forcefully removed from their native land, and sent to the the west where nothing lived or could be grown. As a result of this deal, the bone knife found its way into the hands of the early Americans. Washington used the Bone Knife when looking for "dirty brits" as he crossed the Delaware. Grant first used the Bone Knife when looking for "dirty rebels". He later used it to cut his cigars, sustaining his healthy 20 cigar a day smoking habit. Surprisingly, Grant died of throat cancer and when the US government discovered that it was the Bone Knife that cut all those cigars, they hastily decided to offer it as a gift to the Japanese government, so as to save any future President from Grant's fate.

It was a result of this rash decision by the government, that the American people sustained one of its worst defeats in history. On December 7, 1941, a day that will live in infamy, the Bone Knife was used by the Japanese as inspiration when they executed their surprise attack on Pearl Harbor. The resulting war cost thousands of lives. In the midst of the chaos, the Japanese hid the Bone Knife in the industrial city of Hiroshima, thinking that it would be safe from any American eyes. On August 6, 1945, the American military dropped the Atomic bomb on Hiroshima. The bone knife was discovered in a secret bunker 80 feet below ground. The Americans knew that the Bone Knife was too dangerous for any one government, and it was decided to exile the Bone Knife to the most backward, boring, depressing and all together lame place on the face of the earth. On January 1, 1946, the Bone Knife was banished to Venango County, Pennsylvania.

The Bone Knife festered in the Kennerdell region until it was discovered by the most unlikely of men. Mr. John Hummel discovered the tool, and immediately realized the power he held. Mr. Hummel realized that the Bone Knife was the perfect tool for harassing his son Daniel and his friends. He believed there was the potential of chasing them around the neighborhood with the knife, or even the possibility of attempting to break in to a part of the house using the Bone Knife as a means to saw through the chain on the lock! Needless to say, the Bone Knife was used for all these things. The Bone Knife even motivated Mr. Hummel with the brief, but noble promise to skydive into Afghanistan and using the Bone Knife as his sole weapon, find and capture Osama Bin Laden. Despite this, Mr. Hummel as if guided by fate, realized the danger the Bone Knife possessed, and frequently warned the boys to "Beware, the Bone Knife", all the while making the "slit throat" motion. It was with this history, that I approached the Bone Knife and held it this past summer. The picture itself displays the Bone Knife's power. I appear to be nothing short of a killing machine. Thank you John and Pam for sending me this photo. It gives me pride to be holding such and important and powerful part of history!!


-Todd

The Curse of the Green Suitcase

Well, I have finally arrived in Japan, and I could not be more happy to finish the gauntlet of traveling that I have put myself through since returning from China. While I can say that I enjoyed my summer at home, its good to be moving on with my life by leaving the steak filled video game paradise that was my home. Unfortunately the final travel, my journey to Japan proved to be hectic and tedious. While many might say, but Todd! "All traveling is a test of one's patience and resilience." I say shut up jerk! You have never traveled with the item pictured above. The picture is of the Green Suitcase. One of the most impossibly bad travel accessories ever constructed. While it is true that I had little contact with it during the flying portion of my trip. It really began to work its magic as soon as we reached the Osaka airport. When I first arrived, I approached the suitcase and casually attempted to use the handle, the appendage constructed for the sole purpose of lifting the item. Little did I know, that the Green Suitcase would not be lifted by any mere mortal, and the handle broke off with a power that I can only describe as awe-inspiring in its sheer frustration qualities. Despite this setback, I assumed that I was capable of taming the beast and looked to a leather strap that the Green Suitcase had cleverly put low enough to insure that I would never walk fully upright while pulling it. We made it to a shuttle bus and both I and the Green Suitcase began to plan our next move. The Green Suitcase struck first, and with reckless abandon. It shed one of its wheels somewhere on the streets, long gone before I noticed the change. My clever strategy of pulling the suitcase was soundly undermined and the Green Suitcase stood or rather leaned, triumphant. The rest of my trip consisted of pulling an increasingly unstable Green Suitcase with an affinity for falling on the ground through the streets of Osaka. When we finally arrived in Izumo, I assumed our war was over, but Green Suitcase still had one trick up its sleeve, a plan so sinister in its brilliance I'm still shocked at its implementation. Green Suitcase some how managed to drain the battery of Leslie's car, and forced me to to carry it one last stretch, so that we could call for help. It was impossibly brilliant, and I say kudos to you Green Suitcase! You have foiled me at every turn, but I assure the last laugh will be mine. As soon as I empty you of my clothes, I will retire you to a Japanese dump. The home of old sushi, and countless outdated technology from as far back at 2005! My only hope is that Green Suitcase has failed to predict this future. Whats that! No! ....................

Leaving for Japan!

Hey! As as I write this I'm sitting in the wonderful Columbus airport, a jumping off point for many of my previous travels, thinking about my future adventure in the land of the rising sun. While I can't say that I'm particularly excited about the destination, I can take solace in the fact that I will be able to watch horrible movies, see borderline interesting historical sites, and have the opportunity to eat some of the worst food in the history of the world (seriously its hard to believe that this food is considered "edible"). In any event, I will be hanging out with my super cool girl Leslie, and scouting out possible destinations or plans for next year, (Russia....). Well, I'm off to my flight, but I want everyone to wish me luck. After all, this is the same country known for some of the most vicious and destructive Giant Monster battles ever recorded on film.

-Todd