My Top 100 Songs of 2009!

Despite my busy schedule of doing nothing, I found it possible to make a list of my 100 favorite songs of 2009. Some were added this year, but many of the old standards remain. Since it really doesn't need much of an introduction, I suppose you can just look at it.

1. Crimson and Clover- Tommy James and the Shondells
2. Tonight, Tonight- The Smashing Pumpkins
3. Paint It Black-The Rolling Stones
4. Like a Rolling Stone-Bob Dylan
5. Mexico-James Taylor
6. Elenore-The Turtles
7. Telephone Line-Electric Light Orchestra
8. Good Vibrations-The Beach Boys
9. Walk Away Renee-The Left Banke
10. We Can Work It Out-The Beatles
11. Just About the Same-The Millennium
12. The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down-The Band
13. Your Song-Elton John
14. I’m in a Hurry and Don’t Know Why-Alabama
15. Reflections of My Life-The Marmalade
16. The Spirit of Radio-Rush
17. Kashmir-Led Zeppelin
18. No Sugar Tonight-The Guess Who
19. A Whiter Shade of Pale-Procul Harum
20. Thick as a Brick (Part 1)-Jethro Tull
21. Helplessly Hoping-Crosby, Stills, & Nash
22. No Matter What-Badfinger
23. Red Rubber Ball-The Cyrkle
24. I’ve Just Seen a Face-The Beatles
25. Bus Stop-The Hollies
26. To Be With You-Mr. Big
27. Sara-Bob Dylan
28. The Letter-The Box Tops
29. I am the Walrus-The Beatles
30. Bold as Love-Jimi Hendrix
31. Darlin’-The Beach Boys
32. Tightrope-Electric Light Orchestra
33. When You Awake-The Band
34. Here Comes my Baby-The Tremeloes
35. Fox on the Run-Manfred Mann
36. A Day in the Life-The Beatles
37. Bell Bottom Blues-Derek & the Dominoes
38. Annie’s Song-John Denver
39. Hammer to Fall-Queen
40. Up on Cripple Creek-The Band
41. Mr. Blue Sky-Electric Light Orchestra
42. My Back Pages-Bob Dylan/The Byrds
43. Mona Lisas & Mad Hatters-Elton John
44. The Times They Are a Changin’-Bob Dylan
45. Spirit in the Sky-Norman Greenbaum
46. Catch the Wind-Donovan
47. The First Cut is the Deepest-Cat Stephens
48. Fortunate Son-Creedence Clearwater Revival
49. Time of the Season-The Zombies
50. I’ll Feel a Whole Lot Better-The Byrds
51. Jump into the Fire-Harry Nilsson
52. Wasted on the Way-Crosby, Stills, & Nash
53. Living Loving Maid (She’s Just a Woman)-Led Zeppelin
54. Pastime Paradise-Stevie Wonder
55. Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo (Heartbreaker)-The Rolling Stones
56. Wild Night-Van Morrison
57. In My Life-The Beatles
58. Dancing Days-Led Zeppelin
59. Children of the Revolution-T-Rex
60. California Dreamin’-The Mamas and the Papas
61. Let’s Hang On-Frankie Vallie and the Four Seasons
62. Too Many People-Paul McCartney
63. Are You Experienced-Jimi Hendrix
64. Have You Seen Her Face-The Byrds
65. American Pie-Don McLean
66. Holiday in Spain-Counting Crows
67. Southern Cross-Crosby, Stills, & Nash
68. Losing My Religion-R.E.M.
69. Otherside-Red Hot Chili Peppers
70. The Trader-The Beach Boys
71. Jesus, etc.-Wilco
72. Just What I Needed-The Cars
73. Empty Garden (Hey Hey Johnny)-Elton John
74. Badge-Cream
75. Go Now-The Moody Blues
76. Don’t Stop Me Now-Queen
77. Babe I’m Gonna Leave You-Led Zeppelin
78. Tend My Garden-James Gang
79. Karma Police-Radiohead
80. Ready Teddy-Little Richard
81. I Want You-Bob Dylan
82. No Milk Today-Herman’s Hermits
83. Care of Cell 44-The Zombies
84. I’d Wait a Million Years-The Grass Roots
85. Hotel California-The Eagles
86. The Tears of a Clown-Smokey Robinson & the Miracles
87. Black or White-Michael Jackson
88. Standing Outside the Fire-Garth Brooks
89. Dancing on the Ceiling-Lionel Ritchie
90. Smells Like Teen Spirit-Nirvana
91. Salt of the Earth-The Rolling Stones
92. Gotta Get Up-Harry Nilsson
93. Muscle Museum- Muse
94. Volunteers-Jefferson Airplane
95. Watching the Wheels-John Lennon
96. Go Your Own Way-Fleetwood Mac
97. Cold As Ice-Foreigner
98. Hunger Strike-Temple of the Dog
99. Keep a Knockin’-Little Richard
100. Time is Running Out-Muse

The Top 10 Most Misleading Band Names

When I considered restarting my blog, I had a number of ideas which were intriguing, but a little over my head as far as my rusty writing skills go. So, I figured that baby steps would be the most appropriate way to begin. Therefore, I’ve decided to write a list of the “Top 10” most misleading band names. When I say misleading, I mean that upon hearing their name, and not knowing anything else about them, one is likely to think they belong to a particular genre of music. The bands I’ve chosen are usually far from what they are believed to be on first impression. Now, I’m sure I’ve left some bands off the list, and I’d be happy to hear anyone’s ideas. Of course, I set a few ground rules for myself. For one, I haven’t listed any band names that appear to be “ironic” and I haven’t included any bands whose names run contrary to my personal opinion of their music, (For example, why are they called The Police? After all, they’re the ones who should be arrested for recycling that one basic song idea...etc.). So, without further ado, here is my list.

10. The Zombies
Long before anyone considered the idea of the undead as synonymous with a particular genre, there appeared a pop focused psychedelic group with a slew of popular singles in the late 1960’s. With the winds of change creeping up on them, the band entered the studio and recorded “Odessey and Oracle” which rivals only Love’s “Forever Changes” as the premier example of Baroque pop. While the album originally suffered a fate similar to the band (which broke up shortly after its release), it gained a second life through incredibly positive peer reviews, and the eventual success of the single, “Time of the Season.” Despite this, the album’s impact has been mainly regulated to other musicians and the poor unfortunate metal fan who judging the group solely by their name, believes that they have found the natural successor to the legacy of bands like Slayer and Death.

9. Supertramp
When you hear this band for the first time it’s hard to not think of a frightening woman wearing a boa, shimmying around with her clothes slightly askew and voice cracking due to a cigarette habit originating from her pre-teen years. Or at least that’s what I first thought. The truth is quite the opposite. The band, whose current notoriety deceptively conceals their impact and prevalence in their prime, was at one time at the top of the 70’s progressive rock fold. In fact, Supertramp seems to have fallen into the category of bands like Herman’s Hermits, in which everyone knows their songs, but can never actually name the band. In any event, there seem to be some people who are aware of Supertramp’s true identity. The recent ahh-hem, “sample” of “Breakfast in America” by hip hop group Gym Class Heroes proves that some people, even for evil purposes, have discovered the truth.

8. Mannheim Steamroller
This is one of those bands in which I would prefer to listen to the literal intrepretation of their name, (in this case a steamroller), rather than their “artistic” output. With a ridiculous name that reminds you of the hard/progressive rock bands of the 1970’s, the promising label is completely evaporated in the electric synth Christmas music that is the band’s specialty. Unavoidable during the holiday season, “The Steamroller” (as I assume they prefer to be called by their “fans”) literally does that to the nerves and patience of any December shopper. Despite this, you have to give them credit. By hiding their true identity, countless albums have been picked up by 13 year old burgeoning music fans who along with their new Mountain and Grand Funk Railroad albums, journey home with the hope of true mindless bliss. Naturally, “The Steamroller” is all too happy to oblige.

7. The Flying Burrito Brothers
The problem with T.F.B.B. is not the music, which originally budded within The Byrds (and the album “Sweetheart of the Rodeo”), before detaching itself and floating into country rock heaven through their debut album, “The Gilded Palace of Sin.” The problem is the band’s name. When most people think of a burrito, they think of the stereotypical Mexican dish, which brings to mind hopes of other stereotypes, notably Mariachi bands. Despite this, T.F.B.B. specialized in a type of country rock, which influenced the kind of musicians with a fan base who feel more at home building a border wall than actually eating a burrito. Unfortunately this knowledge would come all too late for the poor lad who was entrusted with the simple errand of picking up “Mexican” music for his brother’s “fiesta” party. His shame after popping in “Burrito Deluxe” can only be accurately calculated by the years he will be ostracized from any degree of responsibility on the part of anyone who considers throwing a theme party.

6. Big Star
It’s unfortunate that the state of Texas has permanently ruined any combination of the world “Big” and “Star” for me. It’s even more unfortunate that Alex Chilton didn’t realize that by naming his new band Big Star (he had been the lead singer for The Box Tops, with such songs as “The Letter”), he would unintentionally fool a lot of would be fans into thinking he was part of a Texas based pop-country band. Perhaps most recognizable today as the group who originally wrote the theme to “That 70’s Show,” Big Star is a band who may sound anachronistic to anyone who grew up in the 90’s listening to Matthew Sweet. It was Big Star’s unique blend of the melodies and harmonies of pop music with the electric guitars so typical to rock that influenced musicians like Sweet and made “power pop” possible. Unfortunately, the specter of terrible country music from the likes of Lonestar and Big and Rich hang over the band like a cowboy’s lasso. Although it might be the “Tequila Talkin,” it seems that until Texas takes its rightful place in the purgatory of bad taste, Big Star will continue to ride that mechanical bull straight to the bargain bin of any Alabama Wal-Mart.


5. Savage Garden
In the spring of 1996, the grunge/alternative rock band Soundgarden released their last album, “Down on the Upside.” Featuring such hits as “Blow Up the Outside World” and “Burden in My Hand”, it seemed a nice end to a solid band. Less than a year later, another “band” with the word garden in their name appeared. Featuring the word “savage” rather than “sound”, it could be argued that the latter band would be much harder. Nothing could be further from the truth. Hailing from Australia, this two man pop group released such forgettable gems like, “I Want You” and “Truly Madly Deeply”, both of which I had to look up for this article. Apparently they later released music even more forgettable than the songs listed above, but fortunately their lack of talent and the penetrating glare of those who bought tickets expecting to see a grunge band forced them to give up the ghost and they broke up in 2001. Unlike Soundgarden (who will reunite for the first time since 1997 this year), nobody cares if guy #1 and guy #2 ever reunite, and it’s possible that the dingoes have long ago carried their talentless bodies deep into the Australian bush where they belong.

4. Spinal Tap
Close your eyes and think of a Hard Rock or Metal band. Think of them playing together, the lead guitarist holding his Gibson Flying V, while the drummer pounds away on his double bass drum. The music is heavy and deep, the kind of music Satan really gets into. Now think of a name. Was it Spinal Tap? Probably. The perfect name makes this the go to “favorite” band of the musically uninitiated. It’s so easy to pick this name out of their air to provide some credibility when talking about a genre you don’t know enough about. Unfortunately the realization that this band is purely artificial (despite releasing a few albums) and was designed for a comedy film makes you look like the ultimate douche whose only comfort is the mound of Monkees albums in the corner of your room. Of course, this situation was damning 15 years ago when many bands were still real and organic. Fortunately now that all groups seem bred from the mind of some record company executive, Spinal Tap’s 2009 album “Back from the Dead” may be one of the most genuine albums in recent memory. It seems that irony may have a purpose after all.

3. MC5
The combination of a number and the letters “MC” make this an obvious hip hop group. The truth is somewhat different. MC5 were in reality a proto-punk band with a radical political philosophy and fantastic live shows. This potential alone would guarantee their elevation to influential status, despite their short run. After their breakup they were seen as the quintessential precursor of what would be punk, but despite this they were unhappy. You see, they had always wanted to be the source of hip hop, and had even used their connection to the “White Panthers” as a possible in. Despite this, they just couldn’t make that leap, and rumors abounded that their break up was due to this failure. In the face of insurmountable odds, they went back to the Motor City (the source of MC) and met with another person who was struggling with his band’s name. Melvin Glover was touring with his band Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five and was looking for a catch all to describe himself. Noting that both groups liked the number 5, Melle Mel talked to the guys and noticed their disappointment in not being the source of Hip-Hop. Taking it on his self to finally give white people some credit for music, he took the “MC” moniker and changed its meaning to Master of Ceremonies. The rest is history.

2. Blondie
Blondie is a group that’s doubly deceptive. The name hints at a possible pop singer named “Blondie.” She is probably attractive, and her music is not very good. Well if you thought that, don’t feel bad. You are still right about at least one of them. Unfortunately, Blondie was a new wave band from the late 70’s fronted by a woman named Debbie Harry who many still insist on calling Blondie. This coupled with their punk rock history and obvious lack of pop credentials makes this a band you could imagine would send most pre-teen pop fans running for the nearest Britney Spears album. Of course you couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s hard to say why. It could be due to the pop sounding name, or possibly because of the younger generation’s often quoted love affair with the comic strip Blondie and the lovable sandwich eating husband Dagwood. It’s a difficult question. One thing that is certain is that Blondie remains the “punk” band for girls who want to show how bad they are. Girls who aren’t afraid to wear eyeliner, or even come home past 10. Then again, aren’t these the kind of morally deficient values that recent pop music promotes? Perhaps I’m wrong, and Blondie is exactly what it claims to be? Either way, the name deceives those both who want punk and those who want pop. It’s this reason that Blondie gets #2.

1. Grateful Dead
This band is the reason I’ve written this entire blog. No band in history has selected a name so unfitting toward the type of music they’ve chosen to play. As I’ve written about The Zombies, the idea of death should be relegated to band’s whose utter lack of talent is overshadowed by the imagery and themes they choose to promote. Any garage metal band would die to use this name. Unfortunately, the Grateful Dead got there first. Using their new title, they proceeded to insult those who desired the name by making music that utilized everything but the very genres you’d expect. First they chose to use skulls, but not frightening evil looking skulls, but skulls with flowers or sometimes lightning but not in an appropriately dark way. Then, by utilizing their mix of jazz, folk, blues, country and rock, “dead heads” (fans of the band, Slap!) simply called the group “The Dead” (yet another slap, now they have two great names!). They also released multi-colored “deadie bears,” which admittedly insults more than just metal fans. Of course the biggest offense was their hippie roots, a known anathema to all who follow the metal lifestyle. All of these listed things, and the fact that hundreds of budding metal fans have undoubtedly fallen victim to the siren call of this inappropriately named band, makes the Grateful Dead, in my opinion, the #1 most misleading band name of all time.


-Todd

2010

So, since its been so long (by the looks of it, almost two years) since I've posted a blog, I've decided do something so I at least appear to be consistant. Starting in 2010 I'm going to focus my writing on music. While it has always been a hobby of mine, the changes in my life over the past year have made me a little more serious about. Like the previous posts, it'll be just me commenting on things based on my own personal opinions. Anyway that's it for now. I hope to keep this going for a while and I pray that the laziness which usually grips me whenever I force myself to something more than nothing. Either way, here's hoping...

A Shoulder to Zion

This is the fourth of a number of blogs that will be written by a "guest" contributor. This article was written by Patrick Cherniburg (see my blogs entitled " A New Format" and "A Different Perspective"). Enjoy!

As a man hailing from the later half of the 19th century, it’s sometimes difficult to understand certain aspects of your society. Naturally this is true of technology, but it is also applies to the world’s political situations. My ignorance was tested when I was watching the television device and happened upon a channel displaying the world's news stories. Intrigued by the idea of all the news on earth being beamed into my home, I decided to watch the modern news in order to enlighten my world view. As the programming continued, it transitioned to Middle Eastern affairs. I hadn't heard much about the Ottoman Empire lately, so I was curious to see what the nation had been up to during the last 150 years. I was shocked to discover that the Ottoman Empire didn't exist (which wasn't too surprising, that heathen nation had been slowly dying during my time) and instead had been replaced with a number of small nations that the British Empire had allowed to rule themselves. While this is more or less palatable after a day or two of serious consideration, there was one country's existence which sent shivers down my spine. Of course I'm referring to the nation of Israel.

In Revelation, it says that when Israel exists, Jesus will return. Naturally as a Christian, I've never actually read the Bible, but I have one and I'm pretty sure it’s in there. My initial shock at the possibility of a modern Crusader state in Palestine turned to horror when I realized that the country was actually being run not by Christians, but by Jews themselves! Now, don't get me wrong, I am enlightened enough to be past the stage of anything more than simple verbal abuse as long as any wandering Jew makes sure to clear the path when I'm coming. After all, if the street is good enough for horses, it’s good enough for all of God's lower life forms. Anyway as I was saying, despite my progressive views of the Jewish race, I don't believe that they should be given any nation to rule. After all, they are the ones who are cursed by God to wander the earth wringing their hands and bemoaning the fact they consciously delivered Christ to Satan. Why should they be given any type of reward? I puzzled over this predicament, and I did more and more research at the library to get to the root at the problem. I initially believed that their skills in the banking sector had facilitated a purchase of the land, but this turned out to be not true. I then stumbled on something called the "Holocaust" but found this to be nothing more than an institutionalized and more efficient form of the pogroms that were common occurrences in my time, and therefore skimmed over it. It was then, that I found the indisputable source for the allowance of a Jewish state, in one word, Arabs.

The Moslems have always been something of a pain. Their language is indistinguishable, they worship the moon, and they have been known to take commissions from the Devil himself. As I mentioned before, I was shocked to discover that the Ottoman Empire no longer existed, and this was for no other reason than the fact that the civilized nations had invested so much money into it. Of course its religion and the fact that they weren't truly European made this inevitable. As I continued reading through the history, I was surprised to learn that unlike the Jews, who pretty much left the country following the Roman destruction of their temple in 73 A.D., the Moslems hadn't gone anywhere after the fall of the Ottomans and the subsequent rule of the British. While I can understand why the Moslems didn't leave, I can't fathom for the life of me why the British didn't make them leave. After all, we had spent hundreds of years trying to regain the region during the Crusades, so when we finally did get it back; it seems that we lost any initiative to right this grave injustice to Christianity. While this questions remains a conundrum that should be reserved for a future article, the British restraint allowed for the Moslems to still be living there when the Europeans got the (on the surface) crazier idea of giving the Jews that same piece of land following the second war with Germany. As a result of this seemingly irresponsible action, the Jews moved into a country chalk full of Moslems. So why did the British allow such a thing? The answer, after careful consideration, makes perfect sense.

So, what do you do with two groups of people whom are both equally hated? Put them together of course! And, where do you put them? In one place with so much religious symbolism and superstition that they fight to the death to preserve small and relatively meaningless plots of land. This is what the great British Empire in all its infinitive wisdom pulled off in the year 1948. Naturally we chose the Jewish side to support throughout the whole mess due to the fact that their long history in Europe had at least given them a little bit of civilization, despite their best efforts to undermine it (see Yiddish). Plus, Arabs have dark skin, which makes them inferior enough to clear our conscious about the fact that we are overtly supporting the people who killed Jesus. Of course, there are some exceptions. I've seen that some countries like France continue to largely support Arab interests. I guess their Catholic heritage makes it more difficult for them to hold the hand that hammered the nails into the cross. As a result of support for two competing entities, the European powers have discovered a full proof plan to ridding the world of those who don't believe the way we do. I can't think of a more efficient plan, and a tear comes to my eye when I think about how far we've come since the "smash and grab" tactics used during my time.

Finally, I'd like to say that I'm proud of my country, the United States, for investing so much money and time in arming the nation of Israel in order to allow for more widespread and specific death and destruction. Of course, I wouldn't want to leave out the former Soviet Union as well as other nations for their equally important task of arming the Palestinians. In conclusion, I'd like to say that the last sixty years of Israeli history has shown me the light, and I can now look at my Christian faith from a different perspective. You see, as a Christian it is my duty to reveal the good news to everyone. Unfortunately those who follow Judaism and Islam have actively refused to hear the truth. As a result, I have revised my understanding of the book of Revelation, and now I understand why Jesus hasn't returned yet. He was waiting for a Christian Israel, not a Jewish one! Unfortunately, at the moment his homeland is infested with vermin, so naturally he doesn't want to move back yet. The conflict in Israel is a sort of spring cleaning of Jesus' house before his return. Once all the riff-raff has been cleared, the Christian Jesus can return to a Christian Israel, the way it was meant to be. This truth has filled me with a great amount of joy, and I will continue to support the violence in the Middle East with all my soul. After all, I know the power of faith, and with the right faith I'm sure our great nations can continue the policy of preparing the Middle East for the imminent arrival of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Tales From Home Pt. 7: "I Like Her Hair, Man!"

Before delving into my current entry, I would like to apologize for my inactivity. I was on vacation in Egypt two weeks ago, and then I went to St. Petersburg last week, leaving little to no time to actually do any writing. Of course my vacations shouldn't have applied to the other contributors on my blog, but for one reason or another they also decided to take a break! Of course, I now intend to get them back to work. In fact, Julie and I are working on a joint entry that should be available for all of my incredibly patient readers as early as next week. In any event, I've decided to stick to an old standard to ease myself back into the swing of things. So without further ado, I give you the latest installment of the incredibly popular "Tales From Home" series!

Northwest Pennsylvania is an anomaly not only within the state of Pennsylvania, but in the whole United States. Despite its regional placement firmly in the northeast part of the country, it prides itself on having the customs (and the test scores) of the southeast. Needless to say, the similarities can be positively traced to back to the fact that both areas have descended into economic depression. In fact, my hometown displays all of the standard hallmarks of uneducated escapism, including the love affair with real (or imagined) Native American heritage, country western music/being a cowboy, NASCAR, hunting (a sport of such importance the region gives children days off school for the beginning of the season), and fundamentalist views on religion. In fact, an interesting study for any sociologist might be the relationship between "mudding" (driving your car really fast in dirt for the expressed reason of kicking up dirt and getting your vehicle dirty, don't ask me why its perceived as fun) and living below the poverty line. It was in this seemingly inhospitable climate that my friends and I enjoyed a generally positive adolescence due to nothing more than each other's company. Of course this was not easy and occasionally we needed a little luck in order to sustain our wills. One of these gifts was an individual named Dustin Dashner.

Dustin Dashner had always been someone that commanded attention, albeit for the wrong reasons. As a result, even before we actually knew him we had been aware of him. About five to seven years older than any of my friends, he was known as the guy who curiously chose to wear a cowboy hat in all of his school photos. He insisted on the tightest black wrangler jeans imaginable and oversized belt buckles (this and the previously mentioned cowboy hat reveal another example of the all pervasive and unexplainable desire of many people in my hometown to present a cowboy image while living in the forests and rolling hills of the Northeastern United States). This "cowboy" was also not the brightest guy alive. Naturally this caused him to have incredibly low self-esteem which inevitably resulted in sporadic aggressive behavior. All of this coupled with a high voice (probably one of the most damning misfortunes in any male high school student's life), made him the object of an intense policy of derision. He eventually left high school early, and my friends and I resigned ourselves to the fact that any further discussion of Dustin on our part would most likely be relegated to the realm of laughing at old yearbook photos. Despite this, Dustin had other plans. He was determined to have a huge impact on our lives, and a few years later, he did just that.

When I was seventeen, I decided to get a job at a quaint little sandwich shop called Subway. I had already cut my teeth in the fast food industry (I had worked at Burger King for eight months), and decided to see what lie ahead in greener (as well as fresher and supposedly healthier) pastures. As with many Subway's, the ones in my area were franchises, so it was with great pleasure that I met my new boss, Doug Dashner. As soon as I heard his name, I perked up instantly recognizing the name of a former cowpoke I had known in the past. Of course I had to show incredible restraint when asked if I had known his son. Naturally, I replied that I was too young, (which I was), and we left it at that. The first few months of the job seemed normal, and eventually I found myself working most evenings alone surrounded by friends who had come just to enjoy my company (and not for the very good chance of receiving a free sub or cookie).

As my time at Subway continued, I found myself growing weary of the constant monotony of the job. Despite this, I kept on going under the assumption that it would last a few months, and then I would be free to continue on with my life. It was one day, in which I was feeling particularly miserable that I stepped through the door and felt my whole life change for the better. Behind the counter, I saw a face that I had long believed would be lost to me forever. He stood there, sporting a work shirt that had already been stained and a smile that divulged his intelligence. I knew him immediately, it was Dustin Dashner. I could hardly believe my eyes. Dustin introduced himself as the boss' son and then proceeded to tell me about his wife and baby daughter. I pretended to listen but I was more amazed by what appeared to be a total lack of aging. Sure he had put on a few pounds and was balding (of course he could have been balding earlier, but this was the first time I'd seen him sans cowboy hat), but overall it was the same face that had brought me so much joy in my youth. I realized that this gift was just the kind of thing I needed to rejuvenate my desire to come to work. As I would later find out, I wasn't going to be disappointed.

Working with Dustin Dashner was one of the most interesting experiences in my life. His voice remained unchanged since high school, but since then he had added a penchant for ending all of his sentences with the word "man", which was usually an octave higher than the words preceding it. This resulted in an almost glass shattering pitch that had me dreaming of ways to reduce the amount of sentences he spoke during any one shift. In addition to this, he was usually in a bad mood due to a number of things ranging from arguments with his wife to the misguided idea that he could have had a lot of sex if he hadn't gotten married. I generally bore the brunt of these bad moods, but I did it with cheer because he was such a ridiculous character. It was due to my patience with him, that he began to see me as someone he could talk to about whatever was on his mind. Naturally, this was coupled with a desire to look cool in front of my friends who still frequently came to wait for me to finish my shift. Dustin's ease with me gave him the freedom to tell me about every single woman he found attractive (which usually was anyone showing cleavage), including the one's who were obviously (way) underage. These vain attempts at being cool would reach their pinnacle in a night that has gone down in history as one of my favorite memories from home.

It's funny how people will jump at a second chance to attain any degree of popularity which they may have squandered in their youth. In this respect, Dustin was not unusual. As high school students who weren't particularly popular, he was wasting his time, but who were we to spoil his delusion? In any event, his attempts at winning us over to the idea that he was cool resulted in one of my fondest memories of home. During one fateful night, my friend Ric and I were discussing music, when Dustin walked into the room, a big smile on his face. As if out of nowhere, Dustin announced, "You know who I like?" Realizing he was talking to us, we happily turned and asked him who tickled his fancy. Looking at us his smile growing, he replied, "Pink! I like her hair, man!" Perhaps no other singer could have possibly made us laugh harder. After all, who likes Pink? Naturally this question opens up a whole world of new questions, notably if somebody does happen to like Pink, who likes her just because she dyes her hair? All of this was too much to deal with, and we openly laughed in his face. Fortunately, he didn't seem to notice and just laughed with us.

Since that night, this story has been told countless times. It never seems to impress whoever hears it, and for that purpose I figured it was time to share it with the world. As for Dustin, it’s hard to say exactly what he is doing. One thing is for certain though; he is probably no longer a fan of Pink. Last I saw, she had changed her hair, which naturally negates (in Dustin's mind) any artistic merit her music may have contained. I only hope that he has found someone who can whet his appetite for crazy hair. Of course, even if he hasn't, I'm sure that somewhere, somebody is enjoying the pleasure of knowing and conversing with Dustin Dashner.

Why are Corporations Evil? I'll Tell You!

This is the third of a number of blogs that will be written by a "guest" contributor. This article was written by Julie Brown (see my blog entitled " A New Format"). I apologize for this article being so late, but it seems like there is nothing on earth capable of stimulating Julie to work. In any event, she has turned in an article that easily adheres to my reason for hiring her. Enjoy!

As an educated woman with a college degree, I have been forced into the unenviable position of sharing my wisdom with the rest of the world. Therefore... Oh! Excuse me! I was so eager to write my first article that I completely forgot to introduce myself! ;-) My name is Julie Brown. I'm 27 years old, and I'm currently teaching social studies at a middle school in Northwestern Oregon. I grew up in a normal home with a normal family who encouraged me to enter college as soon as I finished High School. I have to admit, when I arrived at college, I was surprised! There were so many new people and ideas, that I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. Anyway, after six years at university (hey, college is about having fun too, right!?!), I received a bachelor's degree, and then set my sites on grad work in anthropology. Graduate school was a lot of work, and I hated it. After all, when can a girl get a drink if you have professors breathing down your neck (and your shirt) all the time? When my two years was up, I graduated at the top of my class of three and was well on my way towards my dream of teaching. With my education behind me, I find myself reminiscing about many of my past decisions. For example, I recently read an article reminding me of some of the injustices done on behalf of The Mcdonald's Corporation. I had encountered these ideas while at university, but I have to say, I was quite offended upon reading it again. I knew at once that this would be the first article I should write for Todd's blog. Knowing full well the power of the Internet, I'm convinced that the following article will wake people up to the problem and clear the way for real change.

When I entered university, I was introduced to many new ideas about the world. The one thing in particular that interested me was politics. I had never paid much attention to the affairs of government, but I knew my parents voted Democrat, so it was a no-brainer that I did the same. It was not long, before I found myself torn apart by the contradictions taking place in the United States, especially in business and the economy. Fortunately, the altruistic and noble intentions of my university woke me up to the evils of big business that lay just beyond graduation. My beliefs during my college days took a drastic turn, and I hate to admit that I was something of a Communist that first year. I even bought a Che Guevara T-shirt! Fortunately, after reading a couple more things online about the matter, I realized the error of my ways and accepted my place as a tried and true (albeit very very liberal!!!) Democrat. All of this brings me back to what I started talking about earlier. The evil that is Mcdonald's. You see, my brief flirtation with Communism wasn't all in vain. I learned about how big corporations exploit the working class for their own gain, and Mcdonald's is no exception. In fact I was typing on my Apple I-book (I refuse to use Microsoft, because its is another big corporation which only cares about the bottom line) when I realized that simply by Googleing "McDonald's" and "exploitation", one was able to see a lot of alarming statistics. Unfortunately, there was to much information to read it all, but a casual skimming of all of the material was more than enough. It was at that moment, that I knew that I must boycott McDonald's. I haven't eaten anything there in almost three months, and I see no end in sight.

My abstinence from all things McDonald's has also opened my eyes to other places that require my attention. While I've already mentioned my important stance against Microsoft (I hate Bill Gates! Don't ask me why.), I feel I must also take a stand against another company that doesn't receive (in my opinion) its fair share of liberal criticism. Of course I'm talking about Wal-Mart. Did you know that Wal-Mart pays their workers in the United States very little money? So little in fact that they almost always spend their money only at Wal-Mart!! Did you also know that Wal-Mart produces most of their products in poor countries like China? A friend told me that the workers only earn a few cents a day, and that they only get bathroom breaks if they are pregnant :-O!! This is something that must be changed, and I'm committed to starting an Internet campaign to discuss this matter. In fact, recently I single-handily took it to the next level. Just last week I started shopping at other department stores like Target, and you know what? Target actually has a better selection of products which not only helps my conscious, but also doesn't put such a heavy toll on the pocket book ( I'm only a teacher, but I still think I deserve those little luxuries in life, even if its on credit!). I truly believe in my heart that my one act will start a chain reaction that will make people realize that Wal-mart is doing bad things.

Anyway, I'd like to end this blog by urging you to stop shopping at big companies, and choose other companies that will make you feel better about your shopping. My boycotts against McDonald's, Microsoft, and Wal-mart have already begun to bear fruit. Just recently I read that Bill Gates is no longer the richest man in the world. I can only assume that the campaign of me, and people like me has had it's desired effect. In conclusion, I would like to thank Todd again for giving me the opportunity to do some writing. I know that my insights are bound to benefit the majority of people who think the same way I do. Until then, stay tuned! There's plenty left to come! :-)

Suicide Notes

I decided to write the following article for a number of reasons. The major reason is a desire to remain the driving force behind this forum, and as a result I feel that it is necessary to make occasional contributions. My second reason is a genuine desire to put on paper the latest product of my wondering mind. It is with this in mind that I present the latest piece of wisdom to be regurgitated by the chaos that is my conscious.

A few days ago, I had a particularly depressing day. I don't have a good excuse to explain why I felt the way that I did, but I know that by the end of the day I had descended into a type of melancholy that had me thinking about my life, my prospects, and to put it bluntly, suicide. Now before all of you jump to save me from the edge of this precipice, I assure you I had no intention of actually committing the act. While it's true that I stood in awe of its ability to due away with my petty problems, I shied away from actually committing the mortal sin because of the ambitions which would undoubtedly have been left unaccomplished following a successful suicide attempt. Despite the decision against actually committing suicide, I still continued to consider the nature of the act itself. Now I know that many of us at one time or another have considered life after our own deaths. How will our family act? Will there be a lot of people at my funeral? Will anyone even care? While these may be important personal questions, they have little relevance towards my general aim at the moment. Of course all of this leads us to a very important philosophical question. What leads people to actually make the choice to commit suicide? The following are the conclusions I made concerning this subject during a particularly boring commute from work on the Moscow metro.

In order to understand why one would desire to end their lives, its important to find out why anyone would want to live it. It is with this in mind that we must delve into the most famous (and cliche) question in human history, the meaning of life. Everyone on earth has different interpretations concerning the answer to this question, but its clear that every person uses their own specific beliefs as a blueprint for their day to day lives. While these beliefs may be unique to each individual, it goes without saying that most of them can be similarly categorized through careful observation. Through these means, the generalized meaning of life reveals itself to be the result of either religious, traditional, or cultural obligations. As previously alluded to, everyone has specific details and combinations from these categories which makes their "meaning" unique, and therefore personalized. Despite this, the fact of the matter is that all "meaning" is derived from or as reaction to these three principals. The decay of the human spirit as well as the road toward suicide comes as a result of a failure to live up to the preconceived notions or goals based on one or a number of these ideals that were set forth at some particular time in a person's life. Most of these problems begin in a similar fashion. Something that starts as a seemingly innocuous event in our lives develops into a compounding problem that quickly spirals downward. At the same time, the inability to rationalize the failure of the very thing we believed our life stood for causes a massive mental crash resulting in that catch all for all mental and psychological misery, depression. Naturally, depression does not mean that suicide is inevitable. In fact, the vast majority escape its clutches by reevaluating their lives and starting anew with their previous beliefs, or alternately choosing a new "meaning". Unfortunately either choice is likely to come from the same three obligations discussed above and as a result the chance of another collapse remains likely. Fortunately (or unfortunately) many people don't ever fall into the trap of depression and continue living their lives based on their belief structures due to that incomprehensible of all human characteristics, faith, or more specifically, faith in themselves. This belief in having had the good fortune of living for something worth while, keeps most of society happy their entire lives. Naturally these same people have bouts of doubt, but these tinges of regret only seem to flash across their mind at certain points of life, or on their deathbed. The majority's success at living full lives makes one wonder why the minority chooses suicide. This question is one which while puzzling at first, becomes much clearer following closer examination.

Suicide is not a unique phenomena. Throughout human history, people have found themselves falling to its whim, while at the same time being unable to comprehend while they are victims in the first place. As mentioned earlier, depression is the state that immediately precedes suicide. This state caused by the absence of "meaning" is a non-stop exercise of mental toughness, as the brain desperately tries to search for something worth living for. As the mind begins to search for "meaning" it attempts to safeguard itself from a possible return to depression, by throwing out all that it deems unsatisfactory. It is in this state that many of the traditions and values held in reverent awe by a majority of the human race reveals itself to be nothing more than a means to protect us from knowing the regrettable truth. There isn't any meaning to life. Everything that we cherish, from religion, to family tradition is nothing more than humanity attaching meaning to an otherwise meaningless existence. All has been created just to give us reason to continue living, as opposed to the alternative, which is the soul-crushing truth that we are unnecessary. This form of social enlightenment is staggering and when the mind finally realizes the futility of its pursuit it decides to end itself through the only means possible, physical extermination. While this seems harsh, it is necessary to see the scale of the illusion that has been pulled over our eyes. Unfortunately for the victims of suicide, this result proves what can happen to the unfortunate variable of the population incapable of accepting the current fantasy of our own self-importance.

Finally, its easy to see why a majority of the established paths to happiness look down on suicide. The world's religions as well as the common notion of suicide being "selfish" make it the ultimate unforgivable act. Despite these negative repercussions, suicide continues to occur. Of course, all of this may have many readers wondering about where I stand which in turn begs the question concerning why I haven't committed suicide. Especially if I'm so confidant in the meaninglessness of life. The question is a good one, and a difficult thing to answer. In my opinion the continued existence of suicide proves that if life does have meaning, it hasn't been discovered or created yet. In fact the continued (and increasing) materialism that exemplifies a capitalist world has only intensified these feelings of personal irrelevance. The further entrenchment of a materialist conception of value only threatens to make the situation worse. In conclusion, I can only say that since we live in a world devoid of inherent meaning, it is our duty to find a purpose. Our biology demands that we give ourselves a reason to live, but unfortunately we have failed at creating a universal "meaning of life" that humanity can collectively appreciate. Of course my belief in the possibility of this idea may be just another delusion, but for me, its enough to give me the "meaning" I need to keep going.

Type A-Team Personalities: How Understanding the A-team Leads to a Better Comprehension of Ourselves

This is the second of a number of blogs that will be written by "guest contributors." This article was written by Dr. Philip Dumat (see my blog entitled "A New Format"). Enjoy!

Before I begin, I would like to introduce myself. My name is Philip Dumat. I have a Ph.D in Philosophy which means I'm technically a doctor, but not one with the power to help a sick person, unless of course their suffering from a lack of credits needed for graduation. I'm also an intellectual, which means I'm really really intelligent, or at least I feign to be. As an intellectual, I have the tendency to look beyond what normal people see due my superior understanding of the world. You see, I have read a lot of books, which not only compensates for my lack of actual life experience, but also gives me the authority to decide which things deserve our attention. Also, As a philosopher I am obliged to investigate the deeper aspects of our collective conscious in order to help further the human race. Naturally, I do this through long drawn out treatises complete with words and vocabulary I use to prove my intellectual prominence. Finally, while I have never actually played chess, I'm aware of it. Of course this means I can refer to any complicated situation in any circumstance by using this metaphor. If this doesn't prove to you that I'm erudite, nothing will.

It was with these credentials that I searched for new ways to describe our existence on this planet. During my requisite three hour pre-lunch library stint, I stumbled upon a book entitled The Simpsons and Philosophy: The D'oh! of Homer. While I had never actually seen the show (I refuse to watch TV, because as someone who desperately wants to be excepted as intelligent, its a cardinal sin), I decided to leaf through the book to see what the less educated were doing with their time. I was amazed to find that many philosophers had deemed this project worth their efforts. After searching more, I found similar books talking about shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Sopranos and films like The Matrix. It was with this new found discovery, that I became determined to write my own book of philosophy regarding a popular TV show. Unfortunately, my lack of knowledge regarding television caused me a great deal of problems , and I found myself losing valuable time reading hundreds of copies of TV Guide. Finally, I gave up and asked fellow blog contributor Patrick Cherniburg if he knew anyone who could give me insight into modern television. He suggested 19 year old Jason Lewis, a respectable young man who had helped him with his latest article. I immediately went to his house but only found his father drunk and on the verge of passing out. As I waited among a pile of spent beer cans, I noticed him watching an interesting program about a group of four men who helped people while being hunted by the government for a crime they did not commit. When I asked about the program, his father told me that it was called The A-team, and was quite popular. After watching a few more minutes, I knew I had found the show that I needed.

Now before I begin my analysis, I would like to reveal some of the basic premises and characters on the show. As I mentioned previously, the program revolves around the adventures of a motley group of Vietnam veterans driving around fighting the government as well other people bent on doing wrong. In the process, Hannibal, Face, B.A., and Murdock (as the four men are commonly called) use their own unique gifts to thwart their opponents and save the day for whatever client (they often work as mercenaries) or friend that required their services. On the surface the antics of this group appear to be nothing more than an action drama speckled with some lighter moments for the sake of comic relief. Fortunately for the world, this could not be further from the truth. So without further ado, I would like to give you the true meaning behind one of mankind's greatest philosophical parables, The A-team.

To begin, I would like to discuss the circumstances surrounding the actual characters themselves. To the casual observer, it looks as though the four members of The A-team have startlingly unique personalities as a result of the writers trying to keep as many options open for future episodes. Once again, I have proven to be more intelligent. In fact, The A-team represents the conflicting emotions and personalities in each and every person on earth. After all, in one way or another, we all want the same things. There are some people who strive to exhibit their unique brand of individualism, becoming politicians, artists, actors. This is all due to a conscious or unconscious desire for power, fame, or respect. More acutely, these aspirations are necessary for attaining a degree of confidence and security in ourselves and in our abilities. Needless to say, there is more to the human condition than just the desire for a degree of self respect. Beauty or the wish of appealing to those of the opposite sex also plays a large role in most, if not all of the people on earth. It's appeal remains one of the strongest, due to our base desire to reproduce. Still, there are other people who wish to be funny, working their whole lives to gain acceptance by being witty or clever. Finally, there are some who desire physical or mental strength, and feel that this is the means of proving their self worth. To quickly sum everything up, it is clear to me that there are certain intrinsic qualities represented in everyone on the planet. It may even be reduced to only four major features. Although I hate to generalize, it is perhaps not a coincidence that the four quintessential human desires that I'm alluding to, confidence (Hannibal), beauty (Face), humor (Murdock), and strength (B.A.) are all represented by The A-team.

Naturally, these symbols of humanity aren't prone to idleness. This is the point where the show really shines, because it reveals some truths about how these conflicting parts of humanity interact with each other. B.A.'s character remains the most obvious reflection of this premise. His strength gives him confidence, but despite this, he still fears petty things like flying. This displays the fundamental flaw of an over reliance on physical strength, notably its ability to breed a type of insecurity that inevitably leads to irrational fear. The writers further prove the deficiencies of physical strength by showing B.A.'s complete lack of comprehension for the acts of the comic relief, Murdock. B.A.'s common claims of "pitying the fool" are less a sign of a general sorrow at Murdock's perceived mental deficiencies, but may actually be a type of self-criticism, in which B.A. bemoans his own lack of understanding for the varied catalysts that motivate Murdock (or anyone else for that matter). It is with this in mind, that I would like to put forth my assertion that "the fool" that B.A. is pitying is not Murdock, but in fact, himself.

On the other hand, Murdock's comedy is portrayed as sure sign of his downward spiral to insanity. It even seems that his overwhelming desire to be funny undermines his real talents, namely his ability to pilot anything capable of flight. In reality, Murdock's singular desire to produce levity, in fact generates the opposite, and in turn causes the characters to have to alter plans (and in some cases, their very livelihood) to adapt to these eccentricities. This is a powerful reminder of the pitfalls of unnecessary or weak comedy. We all have experiences dealing with people who believe themselves to be funny, and many of us can cite a situation when we were forced to compensate for that person's character deficiencies. Of course this all leads up to inevitable conflict between the two characters. When B.A. and Murdock's one dimensional personalities interact, they act as a symbol of the weaknesses of the human condition as a whole. In my opinion, the most obvious statement of the show in this regard is simply the incompatibility between the personalities that favor humor as opposed to those who favor physical strength. Naturally, I believe that my arguments can be verified through careful analysis of our own personal experience. For example, how many strong and funny people do you know? I rest my case.

Finally, I would like to say that my analysis of B.A. and Murdock are only the tip of the iceberg. Each character in his own unique way provides insight into the the very nature of mankind, and only through intense and continual study will we be able to fully appreciate the wisdom contained in each pulse pounding episode. I am so confident of my previous statements that I have decided to stake my academic reputation on my findings. Even as we speak, I am writing a second paper concering some different angles of the A-team ranging from Hannibal's fear and insecurity being the stimulus for his frequent wisecracks to Face's constant whining representing his growing disenchantment with the artificiality of his reputation as a womanizer. These things and others make The A-team a virtual treasure trove of philosophical underpinnings and everyday I begin to realize that it holds the key to eventually receiving tenure at my university. Until then if you have any problems concerning philosophy, if no one else can help, and if you can find me, maybe you can ask me.....a question.


--Dr. Philip Dumat Ph.D

A Different Perspective

This is the first of a number of blogs that will be written by "guest contributors." This first article was written by Patrick Cherniburg (see my blog entitled "A New Format"). Enjoy!

When I first arrived in the twenty-first century I was surprised to see a number of things that would never have been possible in my time. This new world of computers, automobiles, and the female orgasm, made me realize how far our society has come. Naturally, I have had some difficulties in adapting. For example, in your modern world you have a thing called "political correctness." While I'm slowly beginning to understand this notion, I can't help but wonder at your motivation for such a puzzling and altogether unnecessary idea. After all, in my time we called black people "Negros," not because we hated them, (we displayed that through both physical and psychological means), but because that was their name. This same incomprehensible ideal plays its self out through your renaming of many important sub-sets of your society, mainly the mentally retarded (brain challenged), the elderly (walking dead), the handicapped (freaks),and Texans (human waste). If it wasn't for the help of 19 year old Jason Lewis, I would have never learned these important colloquial terms. In spite of his help, I still often find myself creating problems for myself. Never was this fact more evident than the the time I decided to refer to a couple of sodomites with their preferred moniker "butt pirate" rather than the old and (according to Jason) antiquated term "homosexual." Despite my inevitable missteps, I am determined to find a way of conforming to the rigors of modern society, and alter my perceptions for today's world. This of course leads me to the major news at the moment, the 2008 Presidential Election. Now, before I begin I would like to make it clear that I have always voted Republican. My father had been an abolitionist and a strict Christian. His strong moral beliefs made me realize that black people should not be enslaved (despite displaying the mark of Ham, and therefore in no way equal). Naturally, you can imagine my surprise when I noticed a black man running for President of the United States. My initial horror, slowly dissipated when I convinced myself that a different world required different methods for understanding it. Therefore I adjusted my internal compass and looked at the benefits of having a black president.

The first major benefit would be his work ethic. In my day, I often saw many black men working, for very little money, sometimes none at all. This amazing ability would prove well in the high profile office of the presidency. Of course it has been proven that black people are prone to laziness, but I assume that the majority white congress would be able to ensure that he kept on task. Second, black people love to sing. His sweet voice would echo through the halls of the White House, lifting the spirits of all who heard him. Another feature would be his desire to please. In my time, I only had contact with a handful of black people due to the fact that I was rich and from the north. In any event, I heard of their desire to make their benefactors happy. This will play well with voters, as they will see an eager and energetic president. The final positive aspect of a black president will be his desire to eat only domestic foods. I read through your history books how the office of the president has descended into decadence and waste. On the other hand, a black president's affection for chicken and watermelon, would help domestic agriculture, while lessening the nation's dependence on foreign imports like caviar and escargot.

After coming to these conclusions, I couldn't help but pat myself on the back. After all, I had proven that even I could embrace a black president, despite his shortcomings. In any event, this had proven easy because despite it all, he was still a man. When I approached the other democratic candidate, I had to give myself a couple of minutes. After finally regrouping, I decided to continue with my psychological improvement and discover the advantages to having a woman president.

A woman president is a difficult thing to wrap one's mind around. After all, if she is leading the country, who is doing the laundry and preparing dinner? This conundrum puzzled me for no less than two days before I finally realized that there would be female housekeepers devoted this very task. After this initial hurdle, I found myself quick to embrace the idea of a woman president. In the home, they are the rock. Historically, they are barefoot, pregnant, or both, which will keep the population up, and the demand for woman's footwear down. They also tend to keep things tidy and clean, while making their husband feel confident that he is making wise choices. This analogy can be understood both metaphorically and literally. Her feminine instincts will lead our country to safe and secure options, while at the same time, keeping the presidential mansion in tip top shape for the inevitable guests who come to visit. A woman president's motherly intuition will help her rear our countries youth toward more constructive pursuits. Naturally, their are those monthly occurrences of what we used to call "female hysteria" that may cause her to occasionally trip up. This problem is easily solved by the fact that she is married to a former president who will undoubtedly step in during these frequent occurrences of incapacity.

After coming to these conclusions, I took solace in the fact that the world has not devolved as much as I initially thought. Your conceptions have just been altered to the point where certain minorities can attain higher profile jobs, while still being subject to the same age old beliefs. It is with this in mind that I would like to announce both my tacit support for both the woman and her black friend. After all, the possibility of a Mormon, an adulterer, a Baptist preacher, a man with physical deformities, or a southerner, prove that their are much worse alternatives than a (seemingly) normal white woman or black man as president.

--Patrick Cherniburg

A New Format

With the advent of the New Year, I am finding it more and more difficult to keep up with the rigid requirements of writing and maintaining a blog. My work here in Moscow coupled with the desire to travel and learn Russian has forced me into a position that I thought I would never take. Therefore, it is with much regret that I have decided to open my forum to other writers. In my opinion this is the only way to return this earth shattering blog back to its original state of relevance and efficiency. Now, I realize that there are some who wait anxiously for the opportunity to digest my scraps of wisdom and may be disappointed by this decision. I would like to assure them that I will not completely disappear from this forum. I still intend to author the occasional "Tales from Home" entries as well as any updates concerning my life in Russia. So don't worry! Anyway, and without further ado, I would like to introduce the first three (of what will hopefully be many) future writers on this forum.

When it comes to politics, I have always thought the the true nature of any political movement can be seen by looking at its extremes. In my opinion, American politics has always shown a desire for conservatism and traditionalism over what appears (to me at least) to be the infinite possibilities of progress. This can be seen most evidently in the actions of the so called "liberal" Democratic Party who differ from their "conservative" Republican opponents in little more than specific hot button issues, while touting the same line of business, religion, and American democracy. While it is not my place to delve into the nuances of this argument, my disgust at the seeming lack of desire for real progress made me realize the necessity of a voice who could show the world the dangers of conservatism. As a result, when searching for possible political contributors to my blog, I realized that it would be irresponsible of me just search only geographic locations. Therefore, I also chose to search through time and space itself in order to find just the right person capable of the kind of material relevant to this forum. My search eventually led me to to Patrick Cherniburg from Hartford, Connecticut. Born in in 1855, he grew up in a wealthy American family during the the turmoil of the American Civil War. The fighting and subsequent victory of the Union proved to Patrick that America was destined for greatness..., as long as it stuck to the values of his formative years. As he grew older, he became more and more angry about perceived strays from his idealized past. I brought him to the modern day to see what he would say about modern politics and events, (of course with my own ulterior motives). I have to warn you, that many of Patrick's writings may seem politically incorrect, but unfortunately that term is not even a part of his lexicon, so you will just have to bare with him.

While I have discussed my own affection for liberal politics, I have to admit that I have a genuine dislike for many liberal people. They are the first to bemoan the corporate evils of companies like Mcdonald's and Walmart while letting themselves be manipulated by the prefabricated "coolness" of places like Panera Bread and Starbucks. Their bachelor degrees give them an unfathomable pretension, that causes them to look down on the very people their politics claim shouldn't be ignored. Naturally, all I had to do was enter a coffee shop to find someone who thinks that they can make a difference just by writing on a internet forum. After a five minute search I found Julie Brown, a 27 year old teacher from Oregon. I hope that her views can somehow be educated enough to counter the irrational rambling of Patrick, but I somehow doubt her M.A. in anthropology will be able to achieve even that.

Finally, I thought it would be good to invite an intellectual to write for my blog. His unnecessarily intense scrutiny of every aspect of life will in no way further the human race, but it will finally give us that much needed insight into the life of 14th century Chinese blacksmiths, or better, the philosophical messages in the movie "Ghost". Fortunately, the untenured professor Philip Dumat is so wrapped up in his studies, that he doesn't realize that his life's work will only be read by other people whose life work is to read the irrelevant ramblings of people like him. While Professor Dumat's inability to connect with the world at large may be detrimental to any attempts at a social life, I found his plight perfect for writing occasional uncompensated blogs. His Ph.D in philosophy means that he will have deep and altogether useless commentary about certain aspects of the world. Of course this may be hard to stomach or even worse, it could be excruciatingly boring. Fortunately, we can take solace that his great intellectual promise has been wasted for the sake of our collective amusement.

In conclusion, I would like my readers to have patience with my new format. I feel that the inclusion of these new writers may jump start the creative juices that have slowly left me over the past year and a half. In any event, if this turns out to be a huge failure, I can always send them packing, and find a new means of achieving my goals. In any case, the first new entry will appear next week, so please stay tuned

New Year's Resolution

As the year winds down, I am forced (like most) to look at the events of the past year, and decide exactly what I've accomplished. While I unfortunately can't claim any hard and solid achievements, I have been fortunate enough to have expanded my travel record (by including Ukraine and Greece) as well as fulfilling the life long dream of living in Russia. This upcoming year promises to continue the streak with trips to Egypt, Belarus, Kaliningrad (technically in Russia), Armenia, Turkey, as well as numerous cities around Russia. Of course this list is subject to change, but at the moment, these places seem to be the most likely destinations. In any event, my biggest regret (and this should show you that I have few) is that I haven't kept my blog up as much as I should have. So, barring any real issues that I may need to address, I've decided that my New Year's resolution will be to return this incredibly important forum to a state of relative regularity. At the moment, I'm still not sure what I will write about, but as with all things, I'm sure I will somehow think of something. In conclusion, I would like to say that as long as I consider this blog something that truly affects the world, I expect you, my imaginary readers to continue investing the time to read it.

Where I've Been and What I'm Doing

I've finally returned! After nearly a month absence, I have made my way back to the medium which kept me sane during my year in Japan, and has since been sorely neglected. While this particular entry won't be purely devoted to my list of excuses explaining my lack on entries, I would like to explain what I have been doing over the last month. In addition, I want to make it clear my intentions for the future and my expectations for the continuation of my blog.

The previous blog was written shortly before I left to visit my first post-soviet republic (other than Russia), Ukraine. I had to go to Kiev in order to renew my visa, and since the stifling Russian bureaucracy (which has since made what I did impossible) doesn't allow for visa renewal in country, I was forced to take a brief vacation. Kiev is a wonderful city that feels like Moscow except smaller and more relaxed. The city's fame rests on its history of being central to both Russian and Orthodox history. As a result, many of its attractions are monasteries, churches, and monuments heralding its contribution to the Soviet war effort during World War II. While these things were interesting, Kiev was small enough that I was finished with most of my sightseeing after only two days. In any event, Kiev's most interesting feature had nothing to do with the city, but with the hostel we chose to stay at.

Nestled on the third floor of a building located on one of Kiev's main thoroughfares, lies a building with the brilliantly named hostel known as "Kiev Backpacker's." Upon entering the visitor quickly realizes that they have entered nothing more than an apartment which has been modernized and turned into a hostel. While this may seem a little strange, this is not at all unique to Eastern Europe, and the visitor will be happy to finally put his bag down. Upon turning around, they will surely come into the contact with one of the most unique and altogether infuriating characters in Ukraine. If you don't already know this man, then I feel it is my duty to introduce the world to the militantly conservative Norwegian that runs this particular hostel. Always looking for a fight, he will serenade you with the most random and irrational string of profanities while at the same time cornering you with claims that his NATO friends in Afghanistan have told him the war there is over, that we should just bomb Iran and Venezuela and get it over with, and that Putin is the next Hitler (a point that loses any actual merit due to the "Hitler" analogy). This agnostic-monarchist who believes in divine right (what?) claimed that the Norwegian parliament would create civil war if it ever attempted to remove King Harald V of Norway (whose own merits can be measured by his close friendship with the brilliant actor/martial art expert Steven Seagal, whom he frequent invites to Norway for advice as well as the opportunity to hangout together and watch films). Never one to take a hint, the visitor can expect to be given an unwanted political education based on this man's warped views of the world. Despite this, his real appeal lays in his fervent hatred of Ukraine and Russia. Always looking for a way to slam either country (usually in front of his Russian and Ukrainian guests), his gross generalizations leave everyone (even those who may share some of his opinions) queasy. While this may not seem like anything new, the real irony lays in his choice of a wife, a Ukrainian woman (whose similar use of profanity makes you wonder where she learned English). In the end, you dread returning to the place intended for rest and you begin to think that all of the Western European hatred of America might not be the result of any deficiencies on the part of American public.

While my high opinions of Slavs and Russians in particular is based on my love of their common history, my exasperation with the opinions of the Norwegian man may be lessened if he was talking about one Russian woman in particular. About two months ago, I asked the woman at my company who is in charge of accommodations to help me to get the internet at my house. Since this was an essential part of her job, I assumed that it would be taken care of. Two months later, and more then 15 visits to this woman's office, I have yet to receive the next day installation (part of the reason for my lack of recent blogs). Now many of you may wonder why I haven't done it myself, or at least found other help. Before I answer your question, I first would like to enlighten the reader to the character I've been forced to deal with. Probably the laziest woman in the history of the world, I first encountered her behind a mountain of spent sunflower seed shells. When I asked her about the internet, her first suggestion was the extremely helpful "get it yourself". While this piece of advice may have worked for a native Russian, my lack of knowledge concerning Russian internet contracts made it less than useful. During a second visit, she further proved her worth by showing me an internet advertisement that she had found in a local newspaper. After this meeting, I started to get the feeling that this woman was dangerously stupid. These premonitions were confirmed when she so drastically ruined my application, that other Russians were at a loss of words concerning what exactly she had done. As of this writing, my lack of internet continues, and I am forced to continue working through her ridiculous questions and even worse suggestions. Of course, I can do nothing but keep you informed about how she further ruins my life. At the moment, I'm shooting to the get the normal 24 hour installation done before Christmas.

Finally, (and despite the above) life in Russia is going pretty well. Leslie and I are getting used to the peculiarities present in everyday Russian life, and our excitement and planning for future travels in and around Russia will continue with a trip to Greece next month as well as both Belarus and Turkey somewhere on the horizon. In any event, my improving Russian and the opportunity to witness a (potential) turning point in Russian history and politics makes my time here invaluable. In conclusion, I hope that next couple of years in Russia will open the door to new possibilities that can keep me busy and happy enough to free me from the burden of complaining via the internet. Until then, I plan to write blogs more frequently (as soon as I get internet again), so I hope that my loyal handful of readers do not forsake me yet. After all, what’s the use of ranting if there isn't anyone to bear the brunt of the ravings?